To think siblings should share toys

[nutellllla]

Had a recent discussion with DH on this and we can’t agree on the best approach regarding this, so looking for opinions!

My husband believes that while it should be encouraged that our kids share toys, it is ultimately up to them if they want to share and shouldn’t be forced. I, on the other hand, believe that there shouldn’t even be an option NOT to share, and the toys are ‘family toys’. This of course raises questions such as what happens with birthday presents, what if one child breaks the toy that belongs to the other etc.

As a disclaimer, I am an only child, he has an older sister, and this is purely hypothetical right now as our kids are 18 and 2 months old!

Like I said, looking for opinions either way!
YANBU - they should be made to share
YABU - toys should be individual and shared only if they want to do so

I think it is okay to share some things such as playstation, lego etc but they should also have their own individual toys. I think if you get the balance right most children are happy to share.

Mine shared, wasteful to buy 2 of lots of things. Obviously they had certain individual things eg both had a doll (or 7) and own doll pushchair, but toys played with together were shared eg trainset

im talking about things like Legos, play kitchens, balls, puzzles etc.

Lego can actually be one of the difficult ones. Of our 6 the first 3 were very close in age (twins and step son) but all very different about Lego sets.

DD1 is build it, admire it, break it up and add it to general Lego pile.
DD2 is build it, put it on a shelf and admire it forever.
DS is build it, admire it for a bit, take it apart and put back in its box and rebuild it at some point. Repeatedly.

So here, big box Lego is general and shared. Small Lego sets and specific builds are personal and don't need to be shared.

A lot will also depend on the personalities of your children. DD1 has always been a sharing type. She genuinely doesn't care about sole possessions (to the point that her uni flat mates annoyed the rest of us with piss taking behaviour but she genuinely didn't give a shit). DD2 always struggled with the twin thing and needed stuff to be hers. She liked individuality and ownership.

No. Get them their own toys. This doesn’t really work it can just cause more issues. They have their own toys and don’t get something just because they want it. Also they don’t need to give things away just because someone else wants it, not just in the house but places like toddler groups etc where everyone is obsessed with teaching kids to share but it’s just one child wanting something and the other child is forced to give it up.
Have things which are specifically shared ie bigger items or electrical but also be prepared to referee

Do a bit of both?

Toys that need to be shared are in a box for sharing. Lego, cars etc. But special toys left in their room. They can then later on decide if those toys become shared toys and but in the share area.

Play kitchens and big outdoor things I'd have them share.
Balls if your house is anything like mine you'll end up with more balls than you need. But if its a gift then it goes to one child. If its a shit we forgot to bring a ball to the beach then it will be a shared item.
Puzzles I'd probably buy one each but tell them to let the other try theirs in exchange.

You can definitely give communal toys as Christmas presents - a Wendy house, dolls house etc are great shared presents - but individual toys too. In our house, when our second child arrives we’ll probably have joint toys downstairs and in the garden and their own toys in their room (or they could have their own toy box each if they don’t have their own room).

Definitely stuff like balls and play kitchens can be shared toys of course.

Toys that you expect to be shared should be given as a joint gift or just bought ad hoc , anything that is given to an individual is theirs and it is purely their decision whether they wish to share . So if you want them to share Lego , trampoline , games console give them as a joint gift .

My DC have toys that they have been given to share, their trampoline, board games, games consoles - items that you need more than one person to enjoy them so they might as well be shared. They belong to the family. DC also have their own toys which have been given to them as gifts or they have saved up for or bought with their money. These items stay in their rooms and it’s up to them if they share or not. They have their own bedrooms and are entitled to have their own things.

You can agree some general ideas, but I think the specifics of what toy is in what category, you have to wait and see how they develop. I was fully prepared to defend that no one touches Special Cuddly without express permission. It turns out neither of mine are that particular about cuddly toys, and although they have favourites, there are no absolutes. Notebooks, on the other hand...

Lots of families share things like games and puzzles, but if you have one child who rarely loses anything and one child for whom small pieces vanish like magic, that might not work for you.

Agree a mixture. Lego is somewhat individual as they have been presents but they do share it when playing though have a strong sense of whose is whose. Duplo, train track and stuff like play kitchen etc family toys. Also I think different kids are happy to share to a different extent and that's fine - one of mine is very sharing and the other a lot more protective of his things

YABU. On their birthdays or other celebrations they will be gifted things as individuals. You can’t then say ‘Amy love yours is just the wrapping paper but the toy belongs to you and your sibling’.

I feel like this and so many posts really go on and on about the concept of sharing. It's a word I virtually never use with my children. The toys are just there and they play with them either together or separately. More toys are stored in the bigger bedroom because there is more space. If one of them isn't playing with something, I don't expect them to ask the other. The odd thing like a doll they have versions of in different colours and of course their own clothes/accessories/scooters/bikes but everything else is just 'there'. They don't keep tabs on who got given what, I genuinely think they don't care. The vast majority of the time they play together anyway and we've never had an incident with things breaking. They're well adjusted children who neither push others about nor are pushed about on playdates/when they were in nursery and Reception.

Interesting that balls are seen as 'shared'
My boy wanted a specific football, that was top of his birthday list. No way could that ever be seen as a joint shared toy. Can you imagine the heartbreak if that ball was lost by brother?

Its definitely in a different category of stuff to random balls from Smyths.
Same with Lego some lego could easily be shared other specific sets are individually owned.

I think what I'm really saying is you need to think carefully about how you share things.

How you hand things over that you intend to be shared, ie don't hand it to one child.
Or you give children complementary things like give them both a board game they can share with sibling or give them one game addressed to them both.

It will all evolve and sometimes you think for the sake of a fiver buy two is its less stressful than squabbling over the same stupid car. Then in a ridiculously short time the box of cars will be gathering dust and you'll wish they'd pull if out an play with them again. 🥲

I think you need to do both. Buy toys that are sharing/family toys but birthday, Christmas presents or special items don’t need to be shared. As an adult, if you were gifted an item on your birthday you wouldn’t expect to have to share it with any other member of your family. It’s ok to have things that are special and just yours.

This is how I imagined it working but clearly others have different experiences!

It may work when the DC are young, but good luck with that when they hit the teenage years.

Yes but they won't be playing with toys by then will they? The OP was clearly asking about children, probably pre-school children at that. We're a good way through primary and haven't encountered any problems.

A wise person once told me in this scenario that you should imagine yourself having to share a prized possession that you don’t want to share. A piece of jewellery, or a Dyson Airwrap, for example. The person you are being asked/told to share with often loses/breaks/misuses stuff. But you are being told to share and be nice because “family”.

You feel frustrated and that it’s unfair, right? Now imagine how it feels if you’re 3!

No, some are shared but some are not. Children deserve to own things of their own.

My children share pretty much everything. They see it as a bonus, as then they get twice as many presents. They are both careful with things, so don't break them. They even share teddies and let the other one take it to bed, although the original owner gets first dibs.

With something like Lego, they wouldn't share it mid-way through e.g. if DS was building it, DD would have to wait until he had finished and agreed to it being broken up.

They share food too e.g. will share an Easter egg and then share the other egg another day.

Agree some kind of mix is appropriate, depending on the item. Another factor to consider is that some children take care of their possessions, while other children are more careless (and this is an inherent trait that applies to people generally - so neither is right/wrong). Not really fair for the careful child in a household where everything must be shared.

Your kids are 18 and 2 months old? Would the adult actually want to play with anything that the baby likes?!

18mths and 2 months old!!! So 16mths between them. Dafty!

Ops doing the right thing trying to work out how to manage toys, before the kids are at the stage of fighting over them.