To think siblings should share toys

[nutellllla]

Had a recent discussion with DH on this and we can’t agree on the best approach regarding this, so looking for opinions!

My husband believes that while it should be encouraged that our kids share toys, it is ultimately up to them if they want to share and shouldn’t be forced. I, on the other hand, believe that there shouldn’t even be an option NOT to share, and the toys are ‘family toys’. This of course raises questions such as what happens with birthday presents, what if one child breaks the toy that belongs to the other etc.

As a disclaimer, I am an only child, he has an older sister, and this is purely hypothetical right now as our kids are 18 and 2 months old!

Like I said, looking for opinions either way!
YANBU - they should be made to share
YABU - toys should be individual and shared only if they want to do so

I agree, as a child I always had my own toys but we also had some shared toys eg a box of lego.
My parents were quite good though as we'd get similar stuff for Christmas and birthday (18 months between sis & myself), so one year we received a horse for our Barbie for birthday and then a house to share for Christmas....
There has to be a balance and you need to look where/ when shared toys are appropriate.

No mine don’t have to share. Imagine getting birthday presents and being told you have to share them all! I think it’s important to teach them and let them have their own personal belongings. Plenty of other opportunities in life to teach sharing in my opinion.
Mine are encouraged to play together or let the others use something if they’re not, but it’s never forced.
unless of course it’s something that was bought for all, eg our toy kitchen or garden equipment. Their own birthday/Christmas presents however are theirs!

Just to add, my youngest is only 6 months so doesn’t count, but my older two (7&4) are still perfectly able to share with other children or each other with the rules we have.

Do you share everything with DH and your children? Are you honestly completely chilled if your children play with breakable items which are valuable to you? Is it no problem if they decide to wear your clothes and jewellery and use your makeup if you have it - maybe they'd be fun for the kids to stage a little theatre production in or just randomly rearrange the clothes and jewellery through your wardrobe and drawers, scrunching some up and using a t-shirt as a cloth to mop up a spilled glass of water.

Would you be nonchalant about DH lending your going out shoes which you haven't worn in ages to his sister, letting your toddlers lose on your makeup and jewelry?

Do you have hobbies? If so are you fine with everyone in the family using the equipment?

If you buy favourite snacks is it fine if the kids or DH eat most of them?

What about money? Free and equal access for all, including when the children are teenagers?

To children it IS the same. Younger siblings especially tend to destroy or damage toys belonging to older ones, or just mess up long running games they've left set up when called away for dinner/ school/ whatever.

Children forced to share personal belongings and not allowed to have anything that is just theirs are less likely to share voluntarily later, when it's not up to parents.

Obviously communal equipment like climbing frames and swings must be shared and some things can be clearly defined as shared family property from the start, but children deserve their own property just as adults do. Very, very little children can share everything, but as soon as they have object permanence it's not ling term a positive thing to force sharing of absolutely everything.

Like a forced apology doesn't mean sincerity but is just humiliation as punishment, and being forced to say thank you teaches manners but absolutely does not create gratitude, being forced to share doesn't create humans inclined to be generous and share when they have a choice.

Some things are shared, like duplo blocks and train sets etc.. some things belong to one child, like his Pokemon figurines and her Sylvanian dollhouse. I don't think it's very nice to tell children they don't have anything that is special and just theirs, and they must share everything they have. My children don't have a problem sharing and like playing together, but they all have to respect the things that are special to their sibling.

I was a childminder for years. The downstairs toys were to be shared (by my kids and minded kids)but toys in my children’s bedroom were their own toys and sharing was optional even with each other.

YABU.

If a child gets something for their birthday why should they have to have that taken from them and shared with their siblings.

Yes I believe in sharing as in letting siblings have a go etc but ultimately that toy was given to that child for their birthday.

They should get to keep it in their room if they wish, use it the most and it be theirs.

Every word of this.

We had both. Some were shared-like hot wheels and Lego and dressing up stuff. But they were bought as very definitely to be shared. But your own toys are your own, and you can choose whether to share or not.

Absolutely vital that children get to have ownership of things that are 'theirs'. They learn to look after, value and cherish things, and ultimately through that, how to share. Teaching sharing, when the children are little especially, means they play together, or one child uses something of another's when they are not playing with it. Which is completely different to some children's approaches I have worked with where their version of sharing is to snatch whenever they want something, despite it being in use, and when asked to give it back, claim the other child isn't 'sharing'. This is how, as adults, when we ask to.borrow next doors drill, for example, we don't take it out of their hand as they put up their new fence. It's also how children understand that things have value to other people.
Some family toys, or board games are fine to be shared, things like a big box of lego,play dough or paints.

How long does this carry on for? And if the kids are told that they can’t have anything of their own, how do you then justify not letting them play with everything else in the house ‘because everything belongs to the family’?

I’m the oldest of three & would have found this incredibly unfair.

They need to have some shared toys and some personal toys.
As an example, A car garage to share, individual cars each, it'll encourage them to play together.
We had a large doll house to share, each had out own dolls.

We have joint stuff like lego/duplo, board games, art stuff that live downstairs. Other stuff lives in bedrooms and they ask each other’s permission to share. Once your eldest is 3 they’ll likely start to have small piece toys that are unsuitable for the younger one (hot wheels, lego, barbie accessories, sylvanians etc etc) so family toys become unworkable in that period anyway. Not to mention it’s healthy for kids to have their own stuff and also then they learn about sharing and asking for turns at home.

YABU- I agree with your DH.

As one of 3 (2 of us close in age), and a Mum of 2 myself, it is essential that children are treated as individuals and can flourish as an individual.

I would have hated not being bought my own birthday and Christmas presents. My brother and I had completely different interests growing up- a puzzle and books were wasted on him, I would have hated to play with his Star Wars toys, absolutely zero interest in those films! Separate, special cuddly toys are also very precious to each child.

We did share things like Brio train, Lego, etc.

My two have their own bedrooms, which their own toys belong in. They are 4 and 6, and both absolutely know you knock and ask before going in the other’s room to play. My youngest knows she doesn’t play in her brother’s room when he is at school. They are very happy for the other to play in their room together and share things, but understand who you things belong to. They have independently organised a few swaps of cuddlies themselves, which I have said is fine if both are happy, but either can say no. They also happily swap Tonie’s for bedtime, which I have advised them is a very wise move as they then can both access double the options! 😂

Downstairs toys are more communal. My eldest has happily passed on more of his younger toys, board games etc for his sister to predominantly use. Occasionally I buy something expensive which I make clear I have bought for both, but the norm is that they have their own separate toys.

This is only time that being an only child is important information in an OP.

Nothing drives siblings apart like being treated as one and forced to "get along" as though they aren't different people that happen to be related rather than the best friends parents think they should be. Nobody hates you like your sibling, sometimes all you have to do is look at eachother and you'll fall out. Arguing and winding eachother up is a shared activity.

Forced sharing of their own toys and a lack of personal accountability for damage is a recipe for disaster. Listen to your husband.

Some stuff, deliberately bought as a shared item, will be fine, but you will need to handle damage carefully. It may not always be accidental or unavoidable. As adults you always want to think your kids are innocent but siblings can definitely work to hurt eachother deliberately and when adults don't see that then you get seen as having a golden child and it really fucks up the family dynamics.

And yes, I am totally projecting 🤪 I had very nice parents but having siblings didn't suit me or my sibling and as adults we don't talk. Nothing malicious. We just have nothing but childhood and our worst traits in common.

Some toys are family toys - eg if you buy a generic box of bricks.

Toys bought specifically for that child is there toy.

My kids have a lot of shared toys and a lot of things that belong to them. These can be shared at their discretion but it's clear who the owner is (eg soft toys will sometimes end up pooled in together to play a game, but both kids know which are theirs).

DD is sometimes hands a toy down to DS when she's outgrown it. She'll also play with DS' toys with him (race Hot Wheels with him, but the cars are his). Likewise DS is allowed to play with things that technically belong to DD, but they're still hers. Then we've got things like Lego. They've got their own sets with instructions that belong to one person, and a box of mixed Lego that is shared. The train set, easel, trampoline, craft stuff, fidget toys etc are shared.

Mine are 11 and 7 and have always been pretty good at sharing, really. I'm also an only child and didn't have to growing up, but I think it's important. DH has a big age gap with his sister so sort of grew up as an only child as well! Maybe we don't always get it right but we try to make it fair.

Depends on the toy. General box of Lego that’s been around forever, fine. Special birthday toy, for example, no absolutely not. Would you share your personal effects?

Do you have your own possessions or is everything you own up for grabs?

I agree with your husband.

I always said to the kids that new toys were theirs for the first month and then they were household toys (assuming they were age appropriate for the other DC). We were very strict on treating things with respect once they were old enough to understand and mostly it worked - I once made 7yo DS replace a lamp out of his pocket money - so we didn't have a lot of needlessly broken things. Mine are teen / preteen now, have a good relationship / healthy attitude to possessions and don't seem traumatised!

I think growing up in Ireland in the 80s where families were larger and money was really tight I just followed what I'd seen growing up - There's no time for complex possession negotiations when you have four to five kids and no money 😂

Encouraging sharing is great, I think making them do it often backfires. The toddler stage can be tricky, but once they’re a little older they quickly learn that if they want a turn of whatever exciting toy their sibling got for their birthday, they need to be willing to lend out their own things sometimes too. My son was terrible for sharing, but I didn’t need to do much- his sisters sharing among themselves but not with him worked much better at motivating him than a lecture from me would have.

absolutely this

It's the same for us adults! TV and books downstairs, all "family items".
Anything in MY bedroom, people ask first.

Some things like brio, board games, duplo, magnatiles and marble runs, can easily be shared and are designed to be played with together.

Other things, like cuddly toys and dolls (or any sentimental items) are usually owned by one child or another.

We've also had to do things like buy a set of felt tips each, because it got daft, DC 1 was colouring endless pictures of pikachu and DC2 could never get her hands on a working yellow pen.

Some toys should be family toys. But it is definitely incredibly important for each child to have toys that belong to them as individuals. And it should be their decision as to whether and when these are for sharing.

For one thing, certain toys are hugely emotionally significant to a child. They are part of their identity and self-definition, and they form part of the strategies children have to make themselves feel safe and strong, or caring and protective.

That is trampled on if they are constantly told that, in fact, they don't have any real control over the fate of the toy. It is especially important in the sibling relationship. Children are constantly evolving their self-definition through a kind of 'compare and contrast' with their siblings -- which often happens via the proxy of toys.

For another thing,forced sharing isn't really sharing at all. Real sharing is a generous choice. A child who is constantly forced to share will not have a secure sense of genuine possession. That may well make them defensive, ungenerous and grasping, constantly trying to achieve the security of possession that the household rules are denying them.

I think that being an only child, OP, you perhaps don't have lived experience of all these very powerful dynamics

Oh yeah I wouldn’t think they’d share their comforter or favourite cuddly toy, but more things like cars, Lego’s, animals etc