To think siblings should share toys

[nutellllla]

Had a recent discussion with DH on this and we can’t agree on the best approach regarding this, so looking for opinions!

My husband believes that while it should be encouraged that our kids share toys, it is ultimately up to them if they want to share and shouldn’t be forced. I, on the other hand, believe that there shouldn’t even be an option NOT to share, and the toys are ‘family toys’. This of course raises questions such as what happens with birthday presents, what if one child breaks the toy that belongs to the other etc.

As a disclaimer, I am an only child, he has an older sister, and this is purely hypothetical right now as our kids are 18 and 2 months old!

Like I said, looking for opinions either way!
YANBU - they should be made to share
YABU - toys should be individual and shared only if they want to do so

This was my main problem and what made me question my initial belief in sharing all the toys

Some things should be shared, but not everything. Children who have siblings are as entitled to feel some ownership over their possessions as onlies.

We used to encourage sharing at that age except for special toys like teddies which were personal.

My two youngest have 3 years and a couple of days between them, generally something received for a birthday is solely theirs, although when it's something like Lego/Brio/Playmobil/Hot Wheels, or a board game or something, it ends up in a sort of communal tub and we don't really keep track of who got which playset originally. Those kinds of toys are best played with all together, anyway.

Basically the gift recipient gets first dibs and controlling rights for a little bit and after that it sort of sorts itself out as the novelty wears off.

There are special toys which are just theirs (like teddies) and sometimes they each get a version of something in a different colour and might retain ownership of each version. And some things, DS2 mostly plays with whereas DS3 isn't that interested, (mainly the big buses/trains) and some things DS3 mostly plays with whereas DS2 isn't hugely interested (mostly puzzles). We don't have separate storage for things except that a teddy might go on a child's bed - but equally, it might be left randomly around the house or go on the cuddly toy shelf with the others.

This is roughly how we did it when DSis and I were little and it seems to work.

When they were younger, DH often wanted to protect DS3's stuff from DS2 trying to mainline it too early, but as long as DS3 was young enough not to really notice, I didn't police this too heavily, in the interests of promoting a positive relationship between them. I used to say to DS2 that DS3 was being so kind/generous sharing his toy (even if DS3 couldn't give a fig because he was engrossed in something else). This has worked out well as DS2 got older and developed more impulse control, even though he has ADHD and struggles with this, he does generally understand the concept of something belonging to someone else and that he will get a chance to play with it later.

Yes clearly it shows I’m an only child.. Having never been in this situation is probably why I just assumed all toys should be communal - I never had anyone taking my stuff !

This is what our friends did. We have an 8 year gap so it wasn’t really an issue, but I strongly reject the idea that kids should share all their toys with visitors’ DC, which is what my Dad said should happen. I asked him whether he would lend his car to someone who had trashed several cars already. After one awful afternoon where friends’ DC ripped up play food boxes and I had to head to the Early learning centre the following day to replace them, most of his stuff was hidden away when they next came.

Exactly the same in my house! Meant there were times we had duplicates, but my boys always knew what was theirs.

Thanks everyone for your responses! I can see quite clearly now the flaws in my thinking, probably because I never had anyone take or break my stuff at home. Will proceed with a mix of communal toys and individual toys as that seems to be the best approach.

I'm surprised by a lot of the responses. I have daughters with a 2 year age gap and nearly everything is shared to the point they forget who was given it in the first place. Duplo, jigsaws/games, play food etc are stored by category so generally individual sets given for Christmas or whatever end up together. They play nearly every game together anyway even when friends are round. The only things they consider specifically theirs are a few cuddly toys and brand new craft sets. They don't seem traumatised by it and it's how I remember my own childhood.

This is such a lovely response.

Both our kids (2&4) have special toys that are just theirs and the other one has to ask if they want to play with them. The rest of the toys are technically owned by one or the other but the assumption is that they can be played with by either without asking.

The share a bedroom and playroom so there isn't any separation of X's toys on one room and Y's in another. Sometimes they get upset and we have to intervene but it mostly works well.

Some things can be given as joint Christmas presents and then genuinely jointly owned (and some things are shared despite having been given to DD1 before DD2 was born – we're not having two toy kitchens!).

Things given to an individual child are generally theirs (with a few exceptions – I'm not keeping track of who was given which pieces of wooden train track). We encourage sharing after the novelty wears off, and in practice mine choose to share almost everything. It's still their choice, though, and they're free to say no, although if they're doing it just because they're feeling a bit grumpy, I'll point out the natural consequence that sibling may feel less like sharing in future. Still ultimately their choice, though.

The exact balance will probably depend on how their personalities and relationship develops. Thus far, mine are happy to share many (but not all!) things, and damage is vanishingly rare. Other personality combinations would have a happier sibling relationship with more separation between 'my' and 'your' toys. The challenge as a parent is finding what works best for your children to both support their relationship and teach them a healthy balance between sharing and own possessions.

Another thing to consider is age gaps and sizes of things.
I have a biggish age gap between my kids so bikes and things tend to get passed down.

But with two kids as close in age as you have they are likely to need the same sized bike at the same time, much better for them each to have 'their' bike in 'their colour' than to have two shared bikes.

I always bought games eg Ludo, chess etc for sharing but individual toys. It's nice if they share their toys but if you have one child who is very careful with their toys and another with ADHD who smashes things sharing everything is not fair.

You are educating your children appallingly. It's important to teach kids to enforce boundaries so they don't get pushed over when they grow up.
Real life is not a hippie comune, lovely.

@lotsofpatienceAnd I don’t think you were brought up very well! I asked a question because the dynamic is new to me, and I want to learn from other peoples experiences. I’m not sure what’s wrong with that.

You on the other hand, are rude and judgmental. Something your parents clearly failed to teach you about.

We didn't have a lot of money when I was child so sharing was drilled into us, we did have toys that were just ours, my brother had no interest in my dolls and I didn't play with cars and we each had own own bear and cuddly toys. But generic unisex toys like lego, puzzles, two person games were always shared. Teaching kids to share is an important lesson as they will be expected to do this at school. May be not force your children to share but teach them that sharing is a good thing.

I wouldn’t have considered the bikes as ‘toys’ in this scenario - of course each one would have their own bike. Same for beloved stuffies and comfort objects.

im talking about things like Legos, play kitchens, balls, puzzles etc.

maybe I should have specified in my original post 😬

YABU. Toys are personal and should be treated as such.

My DSis (who has twins) has drummed it in to the whole family that at Xmas and birthdays we get them one each "and FFS make sure they are identical!"

They have to have a mix of both shared and personal toys.

Personal toys stay in their rooms unless they bring them down to play with, communal toys can permanently live downstairs.

Personal toys can still be shared but only without pressure with the owner happy to share. So my youngest has a microphone, she decides if her siblings can use it and of course they may ask but ultimately it’s up to her.

They get quite good at bartering. If you let me use this then I’ll let you play with that.

A play kitchen if they are close in age should be purchased outside of gift giving or as a joint Christmas gift. Not jenny got a kitchen for her birthday but has to share it with Sarah.

If a child is given toys for birthday or Christmas are they considered family toys? I think that's a bit unfair if so. I don't think children should always be forced to share what is theirs - I'm sure you would object to sharing everything of yours.

I had a brother with ADHD who was completely destructive (actually I still do, but he doesn’t break things now!) so I was always very protective over my toys. Think Sid from Toy Story.

I’d say that the board game/jigsaw that Aunty bought for Christmas would become a shared toy. As would garden equipment or bats and balls etc.

The precious items that were chosen by a particular child should belong to them. It’s also good to introduce even very young children to the concept of boundaries.

We have a mix. I have two children, a boy and a girl with 3 years between them. "Personal" toys which live in their bedrooms and "family" toys which live in the playroom. They do share their "personal" toys with each other but only when they want to.

Board games, outdoor stuff, Xbox and so on are all shared. Playmobil has always been shared.

Lego is a tricky one. Duplo was shared until ds outgrew it and now it's in dd's room. We have a shared box of inherited random bits but because the sets are so specific and ds likes to play/break/rebuild and dd builds once and then uses as ornaments, they build together but separately.

I'm an only and dh is the youngest of 3 so we clashed a bit. I think interests and personality play a part too. Dd has a favourite dinosaur but she's never been particularly interested in reenacting Jurassic Park. Ds will under sufferance partake in a "sleepover" between Barbie and the Monster High dolls.

Just echoing other posters but I have two boys, they have their own toys but they do share the majority (through their own choice- not forced by us) but I think they’re happy to do that because I make it clear that they don’t have to share every toy and they do enjoy playing together despite quite a large age gap.
They do have a few special toys that they don’t want/have to share and I make sure we enforce that.