MIL constantly buying baby clothes

[Aliolii]

MIL loves buying my DS clothes, she will go on a shopping spree every couple of weeks and buy him loads of stuff, he has more clothes at her house than he does at home. She keeps all the clothes at her house. She has DS one day per week, he is well looked after but she always takes off the outfits I send him in (not impractical just normal stuff from Tesco etc) and puts him in her clothes.

Why does this give me the rage so much? My DH doesn’t understand why it annoys me and I can’t articulate it either! We’re having another baby and she’s already stockpiling clothes for that one to keep ‘at her house’.

Grateful for changing a child out of the clothes they were in when there is nothing wrong with them so they can put on the clothes they bought them and only keep at their own home?

It’s ridiculous and OP’s child is not a doll.

I think look at it this way. She obviously cares about what he’s wearing to a slightly mad extent. But if this bothers you it shows that you also care about what he’s wearing to a slightly mad extent.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter - he’s clothed and looked after by someone who loves him.

As you know she’ll do it just send him in something really basic (or even in his PJs and let her crack on.

I definitely think this is a pick your battles situation. I doubt it comes from a bad place. It is good that she has a positive relationship with your kids, and good for you that she is providing childcare.

It's annoying for a few of reasons.

Firstly, it's a burden to have extra clothes that you don't want or need.

Secondly, presuming she's changing your child when their clothes are clean and they don't need them changing, she's not thinking of the child's needs, she fulfilling her own desire to play dress up dollies. My children don't particularly like getting changed so it's getting them to do something thing they don't need for her own fun.

And also it's just overstepping, you are the parent, it's your job to buy them clothes. Fair enough for her to buy them a gift of clothes for birthday or to change them when they get dirty if she's caring for them but it your right as the parent to make decisions on what clothes they wear.

She's going to lose her mind when he inevitably goes through the Spiderman [or similar] phase and only wants to wear one thing ALL THE TIME 😂

I'd let it go. Bizarre and wasteful but harmless unless she's putting him in fabrics he's allergic to or dressing him up like Little Lord Fauntleroy

if that’s the biggest problem in a person’s life, I envy them

She's urinating in her spot.
DH's DGM loved buying my daughter clothes, most of her toys came from DGM, she gave them to my DD.
OP, if you don't put your foot down, this will continue with expensive toys, that your child will have to leave there, you'll have to buy one for home, or have a heartbroken child.
I think it is controlling.
Gifts should come with ribbons not strings.

What’s wrong with a baby being a dolly? I loved dressing mine up!

I quite often change my granddaughter out of what she comes to me in. Mum likes to put her in dresses and worries about what she looks like. That is fine and absolutely her choice. When she comes to me, we go out riding her balance bike, or puddle jumping, or going to the local play park, so I put her in leggings and a t-shirt. I also don't have to worry about her trashing her lovely dresses.

And “urinating in her spot” is a VILE thing to say!

This would infuriate me also.
She shouldn't be changing his clothes once he's at hers. Keep a few spare changes for when he's wet etc, but not fully change just because she wants to.

Err no that sounds really odd to me. It’s a human a living being not a doll.

Lean into it. Send him in PJs and get him back in PJs.

I get that it’s annoying, but it’s REALLY not worth getting overly upset over. I guarantee there are equivalent things you do that wind her up that she also just puts up with.

If you have a really good relationship with her you could just have a non-confrontational conversation about it - “look MIL this winds me up - I don’t know why, and I appreciate everything you do, so am trying not to let it bother me”.

@SquishedMallow my mother did the exact same thing, trying to get DD to prefer her, giggling about how DD would think she was the best. It didn't work and actually had the opposite effect.

She was also v keen to make sure I knew that her mothering skills were superior to mine when DD was a tiny baby. She once tried to grab DD from me whilst screaming 'you don't know what you're doing.' I remember staying at her house once and her insisting on cuddling up with DD on the sofa after bathtime rather than letting me settle her, and her giving me this awful smug look (whilst practically smothering DD by pressing her face right in against her) and saying something about DD being properly taken care of now. I still feel sick when I think about it.

There should be a more open conversation about the fact that some women behave very badly when they become grandmothers.

She sees herself as your dc's third parent..
Does she adhere to the boundaries if any you have for your dc?

It's such a waste if she insists on keeping all the clothes at her house where you child only goes one day a week. If I buy clothes for my grandaughters, I give them to my sons/DILs to keep at their house.

This is all about her and her need to play mum.

My ExMIL used to do this in our own home! She’d come round, and as soon as I went to the loo I’d come back and find DS in a chavvy expensive outfit that she’d brought round. It drove me mad.

Mind you, she was unhinged. She really believed that she was his mother, and even saw a solicitor when DS was a bit older to look at applying for guardianship. They told her she had no chance.

I would advise you to try and let the outfit changes go over your head. It’s her money she’s wasting. But also keep an eye out for those weird behaviours increasing. Maybe suggest that you’re concerned that she’s wasting a lot of money and maybe it would be better for DC if she put that money away rather than wasting it on outfits that he’ll wear once or twice.

It's definitely strange but some people love playing dress up with babies so I would think of it as harmless. Although I wonder if she is a fashion snob? Is she always in the best gear herself? Do you think that perhaps your outfits aren't to her taste and maybe she doesn't want him to be seen with her in Tesco outfits? Instead she wants him in the best Next (e.g) clothes when seen with her to impress her friends/family? Just a warning - if you have a girl next, it may get even worse!! She will probably take it to a whole new level with the range out there for baby girls 🤣

That would really irritate me. It's like she's playing Mum again and wanting him "claim" him. But because it's not really wrong or harming anyone I don't know how I would deal with it... I'd probably make a few comments like "you really don't have to change his clothes every time he's at your house you know?" or "is there a reason you have so many clothes for him at yours?"

How does this work? Does she change them back into ‘your’ clothes when she sends them home, or does she send them home in ‘her’ clothes for you to wash and return?

This is one of those weird things which is perfectly harmless to the child but would annoy me anyway. It’s as though she’s overstepping by re-living having her own children and using yours for dress up. I don’t know what I’d do about this tbh. She’s helping you out so probably best to vent about your odd MIL to your friends and let her get on with her role playing.

I can imagine how you felt.

It's really insidious and weird behaviour isn't it ? I think it's something in them that needs fixing.

My MIL used to do this really irritating squeaky drawn out voice, she'd play with the kids and do things like crawl around me on the floor (with the baby/toddler) whilst I was cooking tea and opening oven doors. I literally had to step over her crawling like a baby on the floor. Then I'd say "tea time !" (Would always have to make her tea too as she never took hints on when to leave ) And I was more gullible and easily manipulated back then. And she wouldn't even look at me (she'd keep her back to me whilst pretending to be a fellow 2yr old ) and say (for my child ) "we don't want noooo tea do we ? We say we're busy plaaaying " (yes the grammatical mistake was hers in the "no tea" not mine 🤭.

I could give you so so many examples like this. To be honest, I was relieved when she lost interest as I felt I could finally breathe. When they were really small every opportunity was a "wind up" opportunity for her. She made me life a real misery at that time.

I could give you some more malicious examples. (Very passive aggressive woman)

Honestly I would let her just get on with it, it’s harmless and it brings her joy. She’s looking after him every single week which is a lovely thing to do. Pick your battles.

My MIL used to do this with DC1 too. She had them after school one day a week. Not even nice stuff, she was obsessed with 2nd hand toys, clothes you name it and always had more stuff at hers for DC1 than we did.

Eventually we decided that we didn’t feel comfortable with her looking after DC1 anymore, she was making strange and risky choices about DC1s care and the clothes were just the first sign of a strange possessiveness that was developing. When we started stepping in and outlining boundaries she dropped DC1 completely which was devastating. She’s never been involved with DC2, probably only met them about 10 times despite living 15 minutes away. It’s very sad.

He’s not a doll and may well be annoyed by being forced to get changed every time he sees her. It’s disrespectful to you too and a waste of money. It’s a form of controlling behaviour but you’ve left yourself open to this by depending upon her for childcare.

Another thing she'd do is at tea time (which stupid gullible me made her a regular feature of as she'd never get out of my house ) I was only in my 20s at the time. I would do things differently now. Anyway... She had a thing about pushing them towards unhealthy foods and against healthy foods (as a wind up to me I'm quite sure ) so at the dinner table , she'd secretly screw her face up if they were say, putting a carrot on their fork and whisper "uuurgh carrots . Yuck" and then giggle and go "oooooh dear oh dear " and shake her head if they repeated it like they were part of some in joke. Then when (and if) dessert came , she'd do this really stupid OTT performance of wide eyes and claps and stare them in the face whilst they're eating it going "corrrrr YUM. YUMMY. That's what we like isn't it ? " She literally watched them like she had some kind of fetish....