Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking fuming - child maintenance review

474 replies

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 20:20

Got child maintenance review today. DC dad declared he earned £13,248 last financial year. He claims he works 6 days a week and is always late picking dc up due to work and works every weekend even the Saturdays he has dc. He owes £1254 in arrears via the cms and £2500 from before I applied to the cms (obviously I have written that off) so now I get the princely sum of £29.30 a week but not before cms have taken their 4%.
is this a joke? How do men like this have no shame? I know there is nothing to be done I am just venting. I have never included his money in my budget thank god but that doesn’t mean I don’t need it! I work full time and I work hard but why do men think this is ok? Why do the girlfriends think this is ok? Why do the father’s parents think this is ok? I have 3 boys and no way would I be congratulating them on avoiding maintenance.
Oh, and he’s a plasterer 🤣
Fucking patriarchy.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
arcticpandas · 21/08/2025 21:59

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 21:52

Ouch - but true! Not all the men I associate with. Just the father unfortunately. Thankfully I have a fabulous brother and brother in law, my adult son is spot on and I hope my 2 other ds will follow in his footsteps. I will break the cycle for them and my daughter that I sadly followed.
But I appreciate your thoughtful contribution

Show quote history

Please don't respond to these kind of posters, feeding the trolls and all that.

Hindsight is favulous isn't it. If we all had a 🔮 wouldn't life be simple. You merit a fucking medal for making sure your child is fed, clothed and having his needs met with almost no financial support from the father.

Hotpolarbear · 21/08/2025 22:04

Same situation although he said he earns less than £100 a week. We don't have any contact with him. CM took him to court as he owed £400 for the last 12 years. I have just given up the hope of anything. Hes also a plasterer.

Namechangeragin · 21/08/2025 22:04

Op is his lifestyle in line With his low earnings?

His car, house, SM posts, holidays on SM etc?

I would do what you can to get evidence and report him for tax evasion. If he is investigated he may end up declaring a larger income. Ofc if he drives an owned outright car, and lives with his mum this may not work.

PanderBare · 21/08/2025 22:06

Parky04 · 21/08/2025 20:39

The majority of men don't want kids. They agree, just to keep partner/wife happy. It's no surprise they won't support them if the relationship breaks down!!

That's not true. They want the kids but they don't want the costs and the parenting.

They will want the children if it means no CM and if there's a woman who will do the parenting for them.

Silvertulips · 21/08/2025 22:06

Same thing, only 40 years ago.

You are right!! This shouldn’t happen - It shouldn’t be all about ‘single mothers, this that and the other’ We need to change the narrative to Feckless Fathers.

Example, children of single mothers do less well at school - to children of Feckless fathers do less well at school!!

Shame the fathers, make changes.

Id sign that petition

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 22:10

I would personally vote for the only organisation that has ever campaigned against this if they started a political party and would want to stand as an MP for the Gingerbread Party.

If we want things to change we need to get on board with Gingerbread as they really are fighting this. I would urge every woman on this board to throw their support to Gingerbread's campaign.

And be grass roots. Call out any man you know who does this, they think that it is clever to "get out of it" so often will brag. Making them social pariahs is something we can all do. Making sure that everyone knows theat "John, you know, the bloke with the BMW who is always playing golf and buying everyone drinks? He refuses to pay a penny for his kids! Thats why he went self employed so he wouldnt pay for his own kids, what a piece of scum" and very few people would disagree with you other than similar scumbags.

We need to shout this down in our own families and aquaintances.

swingingbytheseat · 21/08/2025 22:11

MrsKeats · 21/08/2025 21:41

Report him directly to HMRC for non payment of tax. Or tell him you will do this unless he coughs up.
Post on his business facebook page.
if he advertises through any apps such as my builder.com then contact them.
Do you think he earns about the VAT threshold? Dodging VAT is a serious matter.

Show quote history

His gross is likely £60-80k
I think public shaming would be good.

Original poster
aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 22:12

Namechangeragin · 21/08/2025 22:04

Op is his lifestyle in line With his low earnings?

His car, house, SM posts, holidays on SM etc?

I would do what you can to get evidence and report him for tax evasion. If he is investigated he may end up declaring a larger income. Ofc if he drives an owned outright car, and lives with his mum this may not work.

He doesn’t post on SM. Money burns a hole in his pocket. I fully believe he earns £200 in a day and it is gone 24 hours later. He always owes on bills. He had a DRO 12 years ago for £8k and said he still owes thousands hence why he doesn’t like money going through his bank. He doesn’t live a high life - he’s just a knob who will buy breakfast and lunch out every day whilst working, give his girlfriend some when he’s flush, go mad on the lottery, splash out on takeaways etc - not high living, just can’t have accessible money without spending it.

OP posts:
Original poster
aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 22:13

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 22:10

I would personally vote for the only organisation that has ever campaigned against this if they started a political party and would want to stand as an MP for the Gingerbread Party.

If we want things to change we need to get on board with Gingerbread as they really are fighting this. I would urge every woman on this board to throw their support to Gingerbread's campaign.

And be grass roots. Call out any man you know who does this, they think that it is clever to "get out of it" so often will brag. Making them social pariahs is something we can all do. Making sure that everyone knows theat "John, you know, the bloke with the BMW who is always playing golf and buying everyone drinks? He refuses to pay a penny for his kids! Thats why he went self employed so he wouldnt pay for his own kids, what a piece of scum" and very few people would disagree with you other than similar scumbags.

We need to shout this down in our own families and aquaintances.

Fucking hell yes!

OP posts:
SwirlingAroundSleep · 21/08/2025 22:14

this is one reason why marriage is actually useful, because court ordered child maintenance as part of a divorce settlement can’t be messed about with so easily.

Fwiw I don’t claim any maintenance but fully believe men should pay, I just don’t want my violent ex who assaulted me at 10 weeks pregnant in order to try and force me to miscarry when I refused to abort to have a clue about my DS existence and to then start fighting for rights to see him through the courts. You’re right that maintenance and custody should be separate issues but unfortunately in the real world they aren’t; people fight for 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance; other people fight to have greater custody in order to claim maintenance. Children in either circumstance lose out, sadly.

i think the maintenance system needs a review and I think it needs to be more detailed than just nights spent with each parent. Who does all the feeding/caring etc. for instance and what are the bills for that? In some cases on here one parent is doing every evening after school and dinner but child then sleeps at the other parents house they can claim maintenance. Also if both parents are housing their children properly (bedrooms for them etc.) then I don’t think it’s right that a 49/51 custody split immediately means that the parent on 49 has to pay the other.

i have step children and their dad has always done 50:50 (more in reality but the agreement is that), but despite never actually asking for any extra days (or ones back after we have gone on holiday for extra days etc.) she has threatened to go to court and get more than 50:50. It’s wrong that if she got an extra day a week he would have to pay her hundreds a month because in reality it doesn’t cost that much to do 4 extra dinners a month and actually none of our costs (mortgage etc.) would reduce as we would still be providing a home for all of the children.

Cantgetausername87 · 21/08/2025 22:14

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 20:38

I am going to say something very unpopular- it isn’t helped by mums who say they never claimed/ asked for maintenance and they did it themselves because that gives these so called men the impression that maintenance is optional.
I budget assuming no maintenance.
Maintenance shouldn’t be claimed, or chased or enforced - it should be a bloody given! It doesn’t matter how much money I have (barely any) or how much I earn (slightly above minimum wage) it should be shameful for men not to pay rather than be congratulated by their parents/family/ilk for avoiding it

Mean this kindly but that does sound misogynistic. In no way is men (almost always men) failing to pay for, and actively hiding their income, the fault of a woman.

PollyBell · 21/08/2025 22:15

PanderBare · 21/08/2025 22:06

That's not true. They want the kids but they don't want the costs and the parenting.

They will want the children if it means no CM and if there's a woman who will do the parenting for them.

Edited
Show quote history

And how much thought do women have and discuss with the men they have children with before having children or it 'i wanna baby and nothing else matters
'

Original poster
aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 22:17

SwirlingAroundSleep · 21/08/2025 22:14

this is one reason why marriage is actually useful, because court ordered child maintenance as part of a divorce settlement can’t be messed about with so easily.

Fwiw I don’t claim any maintenance but fully believe men should pay, I just don’t want my violent ex who assaulted me at 10 weeks pregnant in order to try and force me to miscarry when I refused to abort to have a clue about my DS existence and to then start fighting for rights to see him through the courts. You’re right that maintenance and custody should be separate issues but unfortunately in the real world they aren’t; people fight for 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance; other people fight to have greater custody in order to claim maintenance. Children in either circumstance lose out, sadly.

i think the maintenance system needs a review and I think it needs to be more detailed than just nights spent with each parent. Who does all the feeding/caring etc. for instance and what are the bills for that? In some cases on here one parent is doing every evening after school and dinner but child then sleeps at the other parents house they can claim maintenance. Also if both parents are housing their children properly (bedrooms for them etc.) then I don’t think it’s right that a 49/51 custody split immediately means that the parent on 49 has to pay the other.

i have step children and their dad has always done 50:50 (more in reality but the agreement is that), but despite never actually asking for any extra days (or ones back after we have gone on holiday for extra days etc.) she has threatened to go to court and get more than 50:50. It’s wrong that if she got an extra day a week he would have to pay her hundreds a month because in reality it doesn’t cost that much to do 4 extra dinners a month and actually none of our costs (mortgage etc.) would reduce as we would still be providing a home for all of the children.

Please don’t think I am including you or anyone who has been through what you have when I vent. I really am not and I am so sorry that you experienced all that 💐

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 22:18

@MNHQ

What about forming a partnership with Gingerbread, where we join their campaign under joint banners.

So many hundreds of members (possibly thousands) are being fucked over, surely MN and Gingerbread together can fight the fight more successfully as a team?

MN is already known to be a force to be reckoned with! Lets mobilise the forces to support Gingerbread in their fight, but as an MN Army rather than just as individuals!

Original poster
aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 22:19

Cantgetausername87 · 21/08/2025 22:14

Mean this kindly but that does sound misogynistic. In no way is men (almost always men) failing to pay for, and actively hiding their income, the fault of a woman.

Show quote history

You’re not wrong - I just hate to see women validating shit men in this situation but I don’t know where they have come from and what they have been through and you are absolutely right - it is 100% on the men

OP posts:
Original poster
aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 22:20

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 22:18

@MNHQ

What about forming a partnership with Gingerbread, where we join their campaign under joint banners.

So many hundreds of members (possibly thousands) are being fucked over, surely MN and Gingerbread together can fight the fight more successfully as a team?

MN is already known to be a force to be reckoned with! Lets mobilise the forces to support Gingerbread in their fight, but as an MN Army rather than just as individuals!

Yes @mnhqI have been on here near on 20years and I have seen what you can do when you put your mind to it. Come on - let’s do something about this 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Only4nomore · 21/08/2025 22:21

Hate to say it as I have the same issue with my eldests dad....but it's not just men who do this. My DSS lives with us full time his mother has been avoiding paying for months. Hoping this will finally be sorted after she had to hand over the child benefit which she had been falsley claiming. We couldn't resolve the child maintenance until we were in receipt of this.

Summertimesun · 21/08/2025 22:21

LifeOfAShowgirl13 · 21/08/2025 21:57

Just to offer an alternative perspective, I have been with my DH for 9 years and my two step children live with us full time. In that time we have received maintenance of…you guessed it, £0, from their mum :( It is not just dads avoiding supporting their kids.

93% of “paying parents” are men

Mustbethat · 21/08/2025 22:21

Isthisreasonable · 21/08/2025 21:55

The idea is good but I suspect men might insist initially on being the RP to ensure the ex doesn't get a penny and then a few months down the line change their mind about being RP.

A pp who suggested that the state pays a sensible amount to the RP which becomes a debt the NRP owes the government would be much more effective, especially if you don't get the first payment until 6 mths after you become the RP. That would put off the people who aren't committed to actually being the RP.

Show quote history

To be fair this happens already in financial settlements.

a women is likely to get more of the assets- especially if a house cant be sold without affecting children’s housing situations.

there’s nothing to stop the kids moving in with dad a few years later- as in our case. She was still sat on a mortgage free 300k house while we were paying an insane mortgage as we had no equity to buy a family home.

added to the fact she absolutely refused to pay CM.

if the residence changes then a debt should be levied on the house to be repaid when the children are 18 in lieu of CM. Or they pay CM, regardless of earnings.

Cantgetausername87 · 21/08/2025 22:22

@aremenreallysuchcunts I really couldn't agree with you more! As mentioned up post it's not just woman validating it but society in general. You should be a social pariah (my god wouldn't any mother be if they just upped and left their kids!!) Loving the idea of harnessing the power of MN and gingerbread to bring this right to the forefront!

Original poster
aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 22:22

I fully understand that there are some mothers who behave the same but please let’s be honest that the majority are dads

OP posts:
caramac04 · 21/08/2025 22:22

Why do so many fathers think it’s ok to not fucking pay towards the care of their children?
If there were a proper system to ensure financial responsibility they might be less keen to spread their seed and women less keen to have children with men who are already fathers.
I know not all absent fathers had affairs which ended their marriage and they don’t all have children with more than one woman. But a lot do.
Far far more men than women evade financial responsibility for their children.

CrochetQueeen · 21/08/2025 22:22

I agree with you. My brother probably pays similar to his ex but he lives with my mum, pays hardly any rent and choses to work what he wants part time and she's always telling him what a great dad he is paying his maintenance and working hard and of course he can never move out or provide more for his daughter because he's got no money. Neither of them have a clue how much a child costs, my mum didn't believe me when I said nursery £50 a day, it's probably nearly double now. My brothers ex is on benefits, never worked and has mates rates rent in an expensive area so don't necessarily have my violin out but my brother should be saving for his daughter to have what she needs and at least paying for a decent standard of living

YelloDaisy · 21/08/2025 22:23

We have such shit governments -all hot air and no action

ThatVividPinkOtter · 21/08/2025 22:23

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 20:20

Got child maintenance review today. DC dad declared he earned £13,248 last financial year. He claims he works 6 days a week and is always late picking dc up due to work and works every weekend even the Saturdays he has dc. He owes £1254 in arrears via the cms and £2500 from before I applied to the cms (obviously I have written that off) so now I get the princely sum of £29.30 a week but not before cms have taken their 4%.
is this a joke? How do men like this have no shame? I know there is nothing to be done I am just venting. I have never included his money in my budget thank god but that doesn’t mean I don’t need it! I work full time and I work hard but why do men think this is ok? Why do the girlfriends think this is ok? Why do the father’s parents think this is ok? I have 3 boys and no way would I be congratulating them on avoiding maintenance.
Oh, and he’s a plasterer 🤣
Fucking patriarchy.

I feel your pain. Had this g
for years. Only time I got cms payment was when he was out of work (£7 a week) when he was in work (self employed) I never got anything. His father was his accountant and fiddle his accounts. He's past away now owing £6500 in maintenance and cms wrote that off. 😪

Swipe left for the next trending thread