Fucking fuming - child maintenance review

[aremenreallysuchcunts]

Got child maintenance review today. DC dad declared he earned £13,248 last financial year. He claims he works 6 days a week and is always late picking dc up due to work and works every weekend even the Saturdays he has dc. He owes £1254 in arrears via the cms and £2500 from before I applied to the cms (obviously I have written that off) so now I get the princely sum of £29.30 a week but not before cms have taken their 4%.
is this a joke? How do men like this have no shame? I know there is nothing to be done I am just venting. I have never included his money in my budget thank god but that doesn’t mean I don’t need it! I work full time and I work hard but why do men think this is ok? Why do the girlfriends think this is ok? Why do the father’s parents think this is ok? I have 3 boys and no way would I be congratulating them on avoiding maintenance.
Oh, and he’s a plasterer 🤣
Fucking patriarchy.

Can I just say you are amazing! Congratulations on raising wonderful children despite your horrific childhood, & looking for love with arseholes. I’ve done the same.(arseholes not little people)
Just watching Gmtv & I think we should all email Rob Rinder, he’s a measured kind man who is also barrister so if he gets on board with his celebrity status who know?
My first thought when your ex text to say he’d be late as was working was that’s fine but send me as if you are earning you can bloody well pay me what you owe, or as I’m doing extra you can send me immediately as I could be losing my wages.
We’re all here with you & sending you love & hugs. I’ll sign any petition that’s created, actually Rachel Reeves is missing a beat here! She should cotton on! Not only are mums getting shafted but she’s not getting tax! Sorry brain in over drive. Good luck OP & good for you. Xx

We are. We are making a plan. Sit tight. I have to go to work but this thread is no longer just a vent - it is the start of something, I promise you.

Anyone else see the irony in the govt not giving a toss about single mothers?

I'm in too @aremenreallysuchcunts

DC’s are older, but I could write a book on my policeman ex’s lack of responsibility and accountability for our children. We are sensible adults, professional lives, didn't meet and marry until late 20’s.

Left with his police officer OW and with the words ‘family life is not for me’.

I can remember saying, ‘tough sh*t, what if family life is not for me either…what shall we do, sell the kids’.

I will come back to this OP, on holiday atm and don't want to drag everything up, but I will support and I will return with a summary of my ‘book’.

Just wanted to post I am absolutely with you. I feel like I have to be nice to my abusive ex as I need the money he is now (after years of nothing) willing to give, as my financial situation is precarious. If I go through CMS they won't chase the thousands he has made through his own private and undeclared means.

I can't understand how someone can be allowed not to pay for their own child? A mother can't turn around and say 'nah, no food today kiddo', Social Services would come, so why can a man effectively do this?

If you create a big thing about it (letter to MP, protest outside number 10, banner on Big Ben') I'm right behind you as I know thousands of other women are!

Not just this government and hopefully they will address it. My most difficult years were definitely under the Conservative government.

This is why the world is turning cashless. To hopefully halt pricks like this. You can't buy a new car with cash, you can't buy a holiday with cash. Very difficult to pay a mortgage with cash, can't even buy a house on his wage of £250 a week that he supposedly earns

Is this really true nowadays? I’m not having a go, I’m just not sure it’s the message all girls receive now (and thankfully so). I’m in my 40s but work in an industry with a lot of younger women and many I know are quite dismissive of useless men, happily single or just dating but have no plans whatsoever to settle down. I think a lot of younger women are completely put off the idea of marriage and kids. They can clearly see it’s not the dream it was once sold as and I know several women in their 20s and 30s who have told me they will never have children. Personally I think it’s a good thing that so many women are much more discerning.

That said, I despair when I read the “DP called me a fat cunt, pushed me down the stairs, sleeps around and shouts at our DC. I’m not sure if I should leave him” posts on here. Some women have such low standards and really are grateful to have any man.

A question....and I am not suggesting I support this but how do people feel about the proposal that IF enforcement was better, the RP would have to undertake to account for expenditure? The CMS I receive just goes in my account and that's that, I'm sure most of us who receive it are similar. If I do get my hair cut, it comes out the same account. Of course I'm using money of mine that's available because ex contributes but it's easy to see how that's spun as "spedi g MY money on hair". I wonder if better enforcement would be more politically palatable if the legislation included a requirement to demonstrate through retention of receipts how the money is used... practically it's v difficult I know, as CMS is meant to cover a contribution to bills, food etc but I'm sure wiser heads than mine can figure it out. Maybe the RP can demonstrate their total monthly cost on utilities, food and allocate x % of the CMS to that plus receipts for shoes, clubs, etc. Again, I'm NOT saying I think this should be necessary or that and RPs are misusing maintenance, just what might help to support an argument for enforcement.

And I wonder about the women who take up with these men. I have very little sympathy for the idiotic women who start a family with a man who already has children he doesn’t provide for. They usually convince themselves he will be different with their children and the only reason he doesn’t see or pay for his existing DC is because of his “psychotic ex”🙄

@PollyBell

Every time someone posts about why women have kids with crap men, I want to shout 'If they were crap at the start, the women would not have married them!'

It's like it is inconceivable to think that some men do lie and present themselves in the best light to snag a partner. They do this all the time, that's how abuse works. They operate in the same way as scam artists and, considering millions are lost in scams, it is not hard to imagine that women are deceived by men like that. Of course they promise to be the best husbands and dads in the world, of course they can even show it for a length of time, but they don't sustain it. I wish we were all born with radars to detect such men but we aren't.

Enough with the blame on women, it should be on these terrible men who can't take any responsibility for their kids.

I cannot work out how these men are existing. Th is isn’t me disputing it happens I just know the implications.

DH is a tradesman as is his friends they all declare everything. Any cash that comes in, gets declared. If they don’t they can’t get car finance, mortgages (remortgage) or affordability for renting, they can’t borrow money for tools for work. They can’t exist in anyway because of the proof of income and credit scoring.
it’s just not a sustainable way to live in the modern world.

again I’m not disputing them existing or saying it doesn’t happen. I just can’t see how they live!

@Mopsy567 I don't know if it's always that they lie and scam, but that they do genuinely change. Being charitable, I don't think my ex intended to abandon his kids when we had them, but once the slog of toddlers and work and childcare got too much and ow came along, poof..all change.

I had a similar situation with my ex and the CMS a few years ago.My ex worked for himself and could manipulate his income to reduce his maintenance. Essentially this is called diversion of income.I took on the CMS and won, this is what you need to do.

Firstly request a Mandatory Reconsideration (MR) asap because you have a limited time to do this

CMS will ultimately reject the MR because it essentially just makes sure the calculations are correct. HOWEVER, an MR gives you tribunal rights. You then need to apply for a tribunal and a judge independent to the CMS looks at your case. I did this and won and now receive proper maintenance for my child. it’s a lengthy process but all maintenance gets back dated to when you request your MR.

The kids don't ask to be born. If a man puts children on this world he is responsible for them, at least financially, but that is not even the bare minimum of what children need. It really sucks having to grow up knowing one of your parents doesn't care about you at all.

There is no excuse for the behavior of these men. They deserve to be publicly shamed. If they are absolutely sure they don't want children they should get themselves fixed and use condoms as additional protection. Or better yet, never have intercourse. There are things they can do to make sure they don't bring these unwanted children into the world, but they are lazy and selfish and the resulting children pay for the shitty attitudes of these feckless men.

This should go both ways. The non RP should also set out their expenditure to check that they are not spending on unnecessary items instead of things that benefit their children.

Why should only women have to justify how they spend their money?

My Dsis has the exact same with her ex. It has been years of misery and CMS arguments. Her DC is about to go to high school and they split when a baby. Also a tradesperson so has the same cash in hand issues, owns properties that he rents out but only earned 7 grand a year 🤷🏼‍♀️

He had to up his income because he was getting a mortgage with his new wife, and that triggered an increase in payment for a while. Then when the house purchase had gone through he dropped his wages although I think he earns about 12 grand a year now.

His favourite trick is to stop paying, then by the time my Dsis raises it with CMS he just starts paying again but the 2/3 months in between are never paid.

I just wanted to say how fantastic this is, from an initial frustrated post on mumsnet to you all coming together and making change. @aremenreallysuchcunts you rock, I look forward to seeing what you accomplish with all of this 🥇

I'm not sure about that for alsorts of privacy reasons, though I suppose the RP could have a separate account where the CMS payments are made.

I have considered that it might be more ‘objective’ if CMS were awarded to the child rather than the RP, so that the rhetoric of ‘ I pay you’ would stop. Not sure how practical though and what happens as the child becomes a teen and in control…!

I stand with you OP . I will do anything I can to support this. Been through it myself and now at least ex is paying the 'minimal' CMS has made him. Took 3 years but had 2 payments now. He'll probably leave his job soon and it'll be back to zero... but I will never stop fighting this unfair and not fit for purpose system

The problem is, they want their girlfriend or wife to have them. Which is a different thing. If they didn't want children, they wouldn't ejaculate inside girls & women they know are not using contraception, would they?

Successive govts have let single mothers downs. But to have a single mother in such a position of power and for this subject to not have been raised…..

I was just about to say this! HMRC should also be interested in his earnings as he's obviously dodging tax too.

I was thinking, I want to start a campaign on this. But I don't have cms issues (still married) so people would shut me down. Would definitely support @aremenreallysuchcunts

I'm not surprised she has mh issues, she's shacked up with a twat.

It would only be the CMS amount the RP has to account for.