To think monogamy is outdated and most people cheat anyway?

[ByMildEditor]

Looking around at relationships and the stats on affairs, it feels like monogamy is more of a social performance than a reality. People cheat, people stray, people lie. AIBU to think monogamy is an outdated ideal that most people don’t actually stick to?

well I do, been married 38 years and no cheating🙄

People may cheat, it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Raise your bar.

I just don’t understand where people find the time or the energy to have an affair.

I’m what are the stats on affairs you refer to?

The think monogamy is vital to society and the fact that different ways have become more acceptable is one of the reasons for it's collapse.

However, I do think it's unrealistic to expect the same monogamous partner for a lifetime. There should be a way to move on in different stages of life, without it meaning financial ruin and heartbreak.

I think monogamy is the ideal, however all of my relationships have included forms of cheating so I just think there aren’t that many people that can stick to that value.

Married nearly thirty years and neither of us has strayed. Feeling like murder, yes; affair, no.

Of course it’s not normal. Raise your standards

Nope. Most people don't cheat. Maybe you should move in better circles

I’ve seen figures suggesting anywhere from 20 - 40% of people admit to cheating at some point, though it depends on the study. I agree, the logistics baffle me too but the numbers make me wonder how realistic monogamy really is for most people.

I think monogamy is the basis of our current societal set up. I do think more marriages and family homes might survive if people were more prepared to consider more "open" relationships on the sexual side. Cheating is v common but not "most" people and is never ok. I've cheated and been cheated on. It all utterly sucks and is incredibly damaging. Especially If children aren't involved I think it would be helpful if more people retained some independence in a relationship so they can end it more easily if they wish too. I've had three decades long relationships. All were the right one for the time I was at.

Well even the high end of those stats isn't most is it? Not even half.

But "cheating at some point" could mean that when you were 18 you cheated on someone you were dating but you're now 65 and monogamously married for 40 years. It's a meaningless statistic.

(Married 26 years and never cheated on one another.)

I don’t think that monogamy is natural. Then again, neither are central heating, ibuprofen or international air travel - but I think the benefits they offer are worth the effort required to maintain access to them.

Not technically most. But even a third is still a huge chunk and enough to make me wonder if monogamy works as well in practice as it does in theory.

So the stats you're referencing identified that 60-80% of people do not cheat at some point. That kind of goes against your title of 'most people'.

So statistically the absolute worst scenario is that 60% of people are successfully monogamous. How on earth do you get 'monogamy doesn't work' from that OP?

Democratic society is literally built on concepts supported by 50.5% of the population. By this argument every social construct and law we have can be said to be not working.

I read a survey that said that attitudes against cheating are actually hardening. More people think it is always wrong than used to.

I think that as we live longer monogamy seems less likely to last a lifetime than it used to, given that married life could easily be 20 years longer than in the past, and with a lot more leisure time. Plenty of people
will have at least a couple of very long term relationships under their belt before they shuffle off.

However, I do think monogamy within a relationship is still the preferable norm.

I do think that monogamy is unrealistic.

Marriage was invented a very long time ago. It is a very old fashioned concept.

A lot of people cant stick to one partner for life.

It would be like saying to someone: you can only have one friend for your entire life.

I just mean that if 40% of people don’t stick with it, that feels like more than a marginal failure rate. For me it raises the question of whether monogamy works in practice the way we idealise it in theory.

20-40% of people cheat at some point in their life.

That could mean a relationship when they’re at school!

It’s not necessarily a committed relationship with shared finances/ married/ own a house/ have kids etc.

Well to be fair, monogamy =/= marriage.

And marriage isn't old fashioned anyway, it's moved with the times, and remains a construct that benefits men, women and children in many ways. Particularly women, because like it or not we ARE at a disadvantage to men as a result of being the child bearing and rearing sex. Marriage absolutely recognises this and tips the scale back a bit in our favour.

For some it works and is preferred, for some it doesn't. Agree that going forwards monogamy shouldn't be held up as the one and only way of maintaining stability for childrearing if both partners agree and the children aren't brought into it.

What?

So many things wrong with that.

You wrote "as a result of being the childbearing sex".

Many women don't want to have children for a start.

I don't. I am 41 and childfree

Is there some projecting going on here? Perhaps looking to justify your own mistakes or on the flip side could you be jaded from people cheating on you?

There are many honest people in the world.