To think monogamy is outdated and most people cheat anyway?

[ByMildEditor]

Looking around at relationships and the stats on affairs, it feels like monogamy is more of a social performance than a reality. People cheat, people stray, people lie. AIBU to think monogamy is an outdated ideal that most people don’t actually stick to?

Quite the opposite OP. People seem a lot more monogamous and faithful these days. I grew up in the 70s and 80s where my parents / friends' parents used to discuss who else they were shagging in front of each other and us kids. Me and my friends are quite pure in comparison. If you marry later, have more sexual experience pre-marriage and live in a country like the UK where housing and cost of living is expensive, affairs and new marriages are a lot less appealing.

Monogamy and marriage has stuck because it's a stable way of raising children and organising society, its financial side and its families. That doesn't mean that people don't fancy or sleep with other people but the idea you have to break up your family and leave your kids just because you fancy some new dick is appalling.

It's a very individualistic post-modern and rather immature notion that you have to organise society around who makes your knickers wet at any given moment. Ask any kid who grew up in a 'free love' commune or had parents who had open marriages or affair partners how they feel about it.

We’ve been together 31 years and neither of us have cheated. DH’s first wife was cheating for 10 years, married 12 years before she left with 2 boyfriends.

SIL has always had relationships with married men.

I don't understand the women who say, neither of us have cheated. How can you know for sure

Although cheating is common I don't think it's most people. Alot of people are monogamous and enjoy being monogamous.

Fair enough if someone does not wish to be monogamous but they should be honest from day 1 with their partners so that partner can choose if they are happy with a non monogamous relationship or not before they invest anything into that relationship.

Monogamy is a choice, it's not compulsory. So if it's not for you that's fine. Just don't promise to be faithful if that's not what you want. Opt for an open relationship instead.

Cheating is promising one thing and then secretly doing another. Whole other kettle of fish.

Talking about marriage as it is one type of monogamy

I wonder who made up the custome of "you must be with one person for the rest of your life".

I think it was the Romans. In my opinion, its such a strange idea. I always thought that marriage is weird.

I know, you'd think they hadn't read all the threads by women totally blindsided by their husbands cheating.

Yes You can only know if you haven't cheated.

Its not possible to know for sure if your partner hasn't cheated.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

'Twas always thus.

So in a nut shell you are looking for justification for your infidelity.

It's the most stable way of raising children and making sure your resources don't go to raising someone else's child.

I don't think it's a coincidence that pretty much every society has developed norms around faithfulness and at least the woman being expected not to stray outside marriage.

Life expectancy was quite low until recently. For most of history you'd be doing pretty well to live long enough to see your children reach adulthood. So a life-long marriage wouldn't actually be that long.

It's different nowadays when you can live until your 90s. I have family members who have been married to the same person for over 60 years!

Its interesting because usually threads asking if most men cheat or would cheat - most answers are yes. Here most people are disagreeing.

You can choose to be non-monogamous as long as your partner(s) are on the same page and you are honest with them.

Monogamy works for many people, it might not work for you.

But cheating is never justified.

If you can't be with just one partner or the relationship has run its course you have to be honest with yourself and your partner. Either end the relationship or both agree on an open relationship.

You can't try to justify cheating though by saying that monogamy is not ''natural" or does not work....

30 years, no cheating.

I think the idea of finding someone who is the other half of you is beautiful. Having that one person there for you no matter what, through thick and thin and just relying on each other can’t be matched with getting your kicks from shagging everything that catches your eye.

Somethings in life are a lot more important and deeper to some people than the act of sex and I would never throw away the amazing person that my husband is for a quick 5 minute fumble because my genitals told me I wanted to.

I have never cheated. I don’t think any of our friends have cheated on their partners. The only person in my direct circle who did cheat was my mil. She ended up regretting it, and is now stuck with an old man who sweet talked his way into her affections who she no longer wants to be with. Selfish, fickle people cheat.

DH is housebound and disabled. We predate social media. I think I would have noticed an extra woman around the place.

Men and Women trying to have relationships is outdated IMO 😂

So most people don't cheat then. So why do you think monogamy is outdated? Married 22 years here. No cheating.

I’ve been with my husband 20 years and married for 18 and we still love each other as much as we did when we first met. We are soul mates and I couldn’t imagine anything or anyone different! My parents and his also stayed loyal to each other until the end.

It’s not ‘outdated’. It’s a way to stop life becoming complicated and minimise people’s hurt.

Non monogamy only works if both couples want to do it forever. If one decides it’s not working for them then the relationship is over.

A lot of the time the Mumsnet users saying "all men are cheats" are women who have been cheated on and so project that to men as a class.

25 years here, never cheated.

I think cheaters would like to think so.

YABU. 30 years together/married and counting to my lovely DH. Perfectly happy sticking with just him, thanks.