To think monogamy is outdated and most people cheat anyway?

[ByMildEditor]

Looking around at relationships and the stats on affairs, it feels like monogamy is more of a social performance than a reality. People cheat, people stray, people lie. AIBU to think monogamy is an outdated ideal that most people don’t actually stick to?

This is just the bollocks people use to excuse the drama riddled life that they bring their children's door and then just expect them to absorb the impact - as if it were inevitable and they are the victim of some primal drive pushing them to behave irresponsibly.

If you don't think monogamy is viable, don't be monogamous.

I'm not really sure why you're keen to make this a universal truth. Presumably you can make your own relationship decisions without everyone else having to agree with you.

20-40% is hardly most even at the higher end its less than half so your stats (from where btw) dont even back up your premise

🎶. Monogamy... doo-doooooo-de-doo-doo 🎶
(I'll get my coat) 🙂

er no. we're monogamous and, in so far as can really be discerned from the outside, so are most of our friends. Those that aren't have mostly split/divorced.

Have I ever cheated on someone? Yes, I was 18 and relationship was unhealthy in both sides. Have I ever cheated on dh who I dated since 19 and I’m now 43? No and I never would because I love and respect him. I would be hugely surprised if he cheated too but obviously can’t speak for him. I feel this is the healthiest approach for families raising dc. Cheating causes so much heartbreak for all involved. The collateral damage is insurmountable. We should not normalise it no.

Not projecting, just making an observation about patterns I see around me and in the stats. Of course there are honest people too, I’m just questioning whether monogamy is as universal as it’s made out to be.

That feels more like projection than anything to do with what I actually said.

It's not outdated. For more than 1 reason. I don't want my husband snagging other women

I think the problem is more that non-monogamy remains largely socially unacceptable and taboo - therefore people aren’t able to be open and transparent with themselves and with others about their feelings towards monogamy, and often don’t feel pursuing non-monogamous relationships is a a viable life option. If more people felt it was, and didn’t fear social reprisal, there might be fewer square pegs trying to fit themselves in round holes and ending up cheating and hurting other people in the process.

Some people prefer to be monogamous. It’s not “outdated” as a relationship style for those who do prefer it, it just doesn’t work for everyone.

I'm not replying to you but the earlier poster who said monogamy shouldn't be held up as the one and only way of child rearing.

It's pretty obvious if you read your own thread.

That's a sad thought. I do wonder where anyone gets the energy these days, everyone I know seems pretty exhausted running a home, working, taking care of children/elderly family members/one partner. Who has time for someone else on top?

Nope, you are wrong.
Monogamy is still the natural way for most humans.

It wasn’t obvious as you didn’t quote anyone, so it read as a reply to the OP.

Pervs, men in porn addictions, women with daddy issues, incontinent emotionally people, abusers, traffickers, prostitutes and prostitutes customers.

What @WalkDontWalk said.

And @Applebun, honestly. Not all women bear children. All those who bear children are women. Therefore we are the only childbearing sex whether we bear children or not.

A lot of cases of cheating lead to the end of the relationship though? Because most people still expect monogamy within a relationship. Someone once briefly cheating on a partner before ending that relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want monogamy. It often means they were just being cowardly or dragging their feet about ending a relationship that wasn’t working for them anymore. It’s poor behavior and grossly unfair on their partner but I don’t think the obvious solution is to declare that monogamy is dead.

If people want to be in a monogamous relationship then good for them. If people want to be in a poly relationship then good for them, too. As long as there's informed and enthusiastic consent from all parties then do what/who you want.

People who say they want to be in a monogamous relationship and then cheat are selfish, lying arseholes.

Do what you want, but many couples don't cheat on one another and continue to prefer monogamous relationships. It certainly isn't inevitable that married or committed couples will cheat. Just because some people break laws doesn't mean everyone will. Same thing applies to infidelity.

It seems strange to say monogamy is outdated. I don't really understand how something like that can be 'outdated'. It may become less popular or less 'required' to fit into polite society, but I think there are solid reasons why monogamy will remain the preferred type of romantic/sexual relationship for the foreseeable.

Ok great, but you're an outlier and not the norm.

On the whole women do have children, and marriage is one way our society mitigates against the potential disadvantages/challenges we face as a result.

It doesn't, but that doesn't mean that polyamory would work any better. There is no model that would guarantee better success.

Personally I would never want anything other than monogamy.

I don’t think the opposite of monogamy is necessarily polyamory either, it’s polygamy. Given what a tiny minority even attempt either, it does suggest that monogamy still has life in it yet.

No, I wouldn't put up with it and I wouldn't cheat.

I'm with you @muddyford
Ttogether 30 years, neither of us have strayed, but could quite cheerfully murder him most days.

I think a lot more men cheat, or would like to cheat, than women realise. I've worked with countless "happily" married men from many demographics and across many sectors and honestly their wives don't know the half of it. Yes, some have had full-on affairs that end in divorce but most have just wanted a shag on the side without blowing up their home comforts. Women seem to think there's a "type" that cheats. There really isn't. Any man is capable of cheating in some way or another.