To think monogamy is outdated and most people cheat anyway?

[ByMildEditor]

Looking around at relationships and the stats on affairs, it feels like monogamy is more of a social performance than a reality. People cheat, people stray, people lie. AIBU to think monogamy is an outdated ideal that most people don’t actually stick to?

I'm an outlier!

I know loads of women that do not want children.

I have four female cousins. Three of them do not want children. They are in their forties and are very happy.

Two of my female colleagues in their fifties don't have children and are very happy. Lots of women do not have children.

Given the huge demographic on MN there will be some people who prefer monogamy and some who don’t.
Lying and cheating whatever your preference is always wrong.
FWIW monogamy is the only way for me. I couldn’t accept any type of open relationship.

Are you looking for an excuse to cheat OP.
Where your figures to back it up, what's most people?

Why would people want someone else's husband or wife.
Someone else's dirty little secret instead of being their number one?

Most people don’t cheat, some do but not most. Live how you want, I prefer monogamous relationships

Honestly, I think you're focusing on the wrong part of what I'm trying to say, maybe I'm not being clear.

For those women who do have children, marriage is a good thing. I'd go further than that and say (as I did on another similar thread the other day) that you'd actually be foolish not to marry the man who's fathering your children.

If you don't want to have children then OF COURSE my point is moot (though you can't deny marriage brings other benefits such as next of kin rights, tax and pension rights - in the UK there's no status of common law spouse).

A cursory Google highlights studies showing that 20% of married men and 12% of married women cheat.

I know the op isn't looking exclusively at those who are married but it doesn't seem as dire as some posters suggest.

I think the pp was right, monogamy is, at the very least, the expectation and the fact that cheating often leads to relationship breakdown suggests it is highly valued.

I've only ever wanted monogamy. The idea of having sex with more than one person repulses me.

Sure, I can imagine divorce followed by another monogamous relationship, but that's it. Definitely never seeing more than one person at a time.

She’s talking about women as a sex class, not each individual woman.

I mean if you don't want to be monogamous then don't get married, it's not rocket science is it? It works fine for plenty of people but it doesn't have to work for you.

Snap

It's not only marriage where monogamy is expected and you can be monogamous without an expectation that the relationship is forever.

This isn't about marriage.

I guess some people don't realise until after they are married that they want to cheat.
I know of someone who has successfully managed it over the years.
Still married but have several affairs over the years.

It’s perhaps a reflection of modern society, but the facts are still the same regardless of gender.

Outside of a consensual open relationship, only scum bags and tramps cheat.

I don’t think it’s that monogamy isn’t realistic - I think that our definitions of adhering to monogamy in failing relationships are potentially quite black and white. For example - I read a lot about how cheating is bad, but the rules around that seem quite simplistic. I personally think that a person can break their vows or promises to their partner in a myriad of ways, or erode what is meant to be the fundamental principles of a relationship and those then can result in cheating. So I guess what I am saying is that people are often discussing cheating in isolation - that the act of cheating is the bad thing. But often, when you listen to people, you will see that many stray because the relationship has already broken down beyond repair. And that’s not to say I am excusing the act of cheating itself, but rather it should be considered within the context it appears in. Relationships are way more nuanced than we often allow for.

How do you know he hasn't?
There is no way to know if your husband has ever been with someone else.

Im on tinder. A man messaged me the other day. He told me that he was married and was looking for sex on the side.

I said no to him, but I messaged him a bit and asked him queations as I was interested to hear about it

I asked him had he cheated on her before.

He sais that he had been married to her for twenty years. He told me that he had cheated on her with ten women in that time.

His wife had no idea.

😁 Yeah, you've got a pretty skewed data set if you are going off men you meet on tinder.

How do you know for sure?

Lots of married men have chatted me and my friends up in real life. I have always said no.

If i go on tinder, there are always lots of married men on there.

My gay male friend said if he goes on the gay dating apps, loads of the men on there are married men. They are men married to women, and they go on gay dating apps aswell

Where are these stats? Is it 20% or 40%? That’s a huge margin of error! I don’t think you can trust those stats at all!!

Who said Im just going off men ive met on tinder.?

That was one example of many

Married men have chatted me up many times in real life too. At work, at hobbies, at sporting events.

None of us can really know what our partnera are up to.

I used to have a boyfriend ten years ago. He was in a sports club with other men. He didnt know them really well, but anytime we went to a sports social event, the man's wife was always talking about what a great husband he was. I thought it was sweet.

Then one night when my boyfriend was veey drunk, he told me that the man had told him that he goes to see prostitutes every month

The fact people cheat isn’t new- it’s always happened. Perhaps it is more common, though I also think that wider societal changes- later marriage, easier divorce etc- have made it more obvious as people tend to be more open about it.

Not sure monogamy is outdated, if I’m honest- I think it is still the expectation for the majority of people (in western, largely judeo-Christian based cultures at least). However, I do believe that the people in a relationship are free to set whatever boundaries they like, as long as both/all agree freely and the boundaries are clear.

Most people still value monogamy, I think, but polygamy/polyamory etc are all perfectly valid choices, as long as everyone in the relationship is on board with it.

Cheating is still wrong still possible within open relationships, for instance.

I would say that monogamy is still what the majority believe in.

I'm not a maths genius but even your top figure of 40% isn't "most people"...... surely that would actually be "most people, ie. 60% don't cheat" wouldn't it?

Yes, 22 here.
Everyone to their own.

How do you know he hasn't cheated? You are not with him all the time