To think monogamy is outdated and most people cheat anyway?

[ByMildEditor]

Looking around at relationships and the stats on affairs, it feels like monogamy is more of a social performance than a reality. People cheat, people stray, people lie. AIBU to think monogamy is an outdated ideal that most people don’t actually stick to?

There are a lot of human beings. From my (very anecdotal) experience I would say 25% are in committed, loving long term relationships (usually married). 25% are single and may have partners for a short time (many don’t, live with family etc) and then there are the 50% who are in and out of relationships or in unhappy long term relationships. As someone from the single group I look in wonder at the middle group and hope to be in the first group one day ( or get lots of cats).

Monogamy is overall better for society, kids, and most people, especially women, find it more satisfying most of the time.

The thing is, there s no perfect arrangement or system that everyone will feel happy with 100% of the time. Even just looking at one individual, people often have conflicting desires, or act in ways that later make them miserable. Many people do things they know to be bad for them, bad for those around them, either occasionally, or a lot.

I fairly regularly eat crisps which is not only bad for my plan to lose 10 lbs, it causes me pain a few hours later. I know it will be bad for me, but I do it anyway, because I am weak about salt cravings, and crisps in particular.

No one would suggest that I just forget about a healthy diet or that it's silly to worry about the pain later on. Who knows, if I didn't at least try to resist I might way 300 lbs and need abdominal surgery for whatever the heck is wrong in my guts that causes the pain.

The people who really do best in a society without monogamy are hot, rich, or powerful men.

But you are. Most women do have kids, and most of them want them.

The fact that a good sized minority doesn't doesn't mean that is the most common scenario. And in any case, society is mainly organised around what is required for it to perpetuate. It has to be.

Yes more women have kids. I wouldnt agree that more women want kids.

More women have kids at the moment because up until recent times there was huge societal pressure on women to have children. They were told by society that they had to have children. Having children was seen as the norm and if you didnt want children you were seen as weird. Women were not allowed to think for themselves.

Women are only now starting to free themselves from that old mindset.

. Which is why you hear more and more young women say that they dont want children. They have more freedom to say it now

neither are central heating, ibuprofen or international air travel

That cracked me up

You said exactly that in your previous post. Look:

"enough to make me wonder if monogamy works as well in practice as it does in theory."

There's no point just repeating yourself every time someone questions your position.

@VoodooQualities

Well to be fair, monogamy =/= marriage.

What does =/= mean?

I never get how anyone has the time and energy to cheat. And even if I had bags of time and energy, I don't think I've encountered anyone new in the past 15 years or so who I could stomach the idea of shagging.

I don't know where all the be-limeranced women of MN find so many men to be infatuated with. I look around me and all I see are pale, tired dads wearing novelty socks. All perfectly nice people, but nothing about them makes me want to rip my clothes off and throw my marriage vows to the wind. They'd say the same about me, I'm sure.

I don't live in a very sexy part of the world. Maybe it's something in the water.

In my circles it wouldn't be considered acceptable or normal to cheat. Maybe consider the quality of the people you hang out with?

Most people don’t cheat, and even if they did,
it doesn’t mean you or anyone else has to.

Whichever way you try to square it, people who cheat are duplicitous and immoral. They’re liars and cowards who put their own gratification ahead of a commitment they made to someone else.

If you’re in a relationship that isn’t working for you, end it. You can then have sex or get involved with whoever you like, with no issue.

The fact that some people don’t do this tells you everything you need to know about them as a person.

Haha exactly. I really couldnt be bothered - way too much effort.

I'm not sure if it's outdated but it does seem at odds with how men's brains are wired.

It's very difficult to square off the idea of a relationship for that reason. It would all feel a bit pretend when I sit and consider humanity's men's ugly truths of their heart's desires.

It's also why I could never make a big fanfare show and dance of any relationship I'm in. Imagine doing an engagement party, a fat wedding with a fancy dress and invites, selfies on social media, "we" this and "we" that... knowing that the honest truth of this man's heart is monogamy (probably) cause it's expected but in an ideal world I'd love it if I were able to shag other women too.

But then again, unreasonable to expect them to die from the waist down when they "fall" in love.

It's tricky to reconcile.

Not in my marriage it’s not.

If DH cheated on me I’d take him to the cleaners. Adultery is unforgivable.

Let me guess - you were cheated on which is why you think all men are cheats?

@Isittimeformynapyet
It means 'isn't equal to' or 'is not the same as'.

I just wanted to point out that monogamy and marriage aren't the same thing.

Monogamy means being with one person only, and doesn't imply being with that person forever.

Marriage is a construct which, while monogamy is usually expected (and people tend to believe it should be forever), legally it isn't defined by those things, includes more than them and in reality doesn't even require them.

Im currently in my 5th serious relationship. I've never cheated on anyone.

No I have never been cheated on.

Sorry to...disappoint?

So what's driving your unpleasant generalisation about men's brains?

Yes I agree with this. I wouldn’t be able to find the time to add an affair to my life - even if I wanted one!

''@TempestTost · Today 02:53
But you are. Most women do have kids, and most of them want them.
The fact that a good sized minority doesn't doesn't mean that is the most common scenario. And in any case, society is mainly organised around what is required for it to perpetuate. It has to be.''

I think many men and women are now able to admit to themselves and to others that they don't want kids and it is a perfectly reasonable choice.

There are also many people who end up having kids then realise they are just not cut out to be parents or should never have been parents in the first place because they are incapable of looking after their kids emotionally and mentally.

Society does not ''have to be'' a certain way. It is in constant evolution.

In fact in a world where we have over-population and climate change which affects natural resources you could say that it is best that some people choose not to have kids.

Don't believe everything your read or are told.

It's no worse now than it has ever been.

Errm. Fell out with husband and had an affair to end my marriage 3 years ago.

Stayed with that partner for 2.5 years we split up. I had a situationship tirned to fwb hes an avoidant who denies hes an avoidant but he is. Got back with ex bf who knew about fwb. Split with ex again recently as he failed a drug test and I told him straight if he failed the test it was over and I was going to sleep with someone else as a basic f you to hurt him. Went to the fwb who has no idea about any of this. I am single and wish to stay this way. I dont like casual i dont like meeting new people I hate small talk but value the friendship so the fwb suits this as we connect mentally same values etc but I cba with over thinking the avoidant mannerisms. When I did go back to my ex the fwb was actually upset and it messed his head up. Which he didnt understand as we were not together and he was the one who said he didnt want a relationship with me!