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Original poster

Date asking strange questions

311 replies

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

OP posts:
AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 22/08/2025 01:20

The hypocrisy and misogyny is rampant in this one.
Women have 'baggage' if they have children ... but not him?

Just wow.

I'd tell him to get to fuck and block him.

Imisssleep2 · 22/08/2025 04:28

Tell him it's not going to work out, he has too much baggage and find someone more worthy of your time.

There is plenty of fish in the sea and I'm sorry you picked this one, don't be disheartened or put off, see it as a learning curve.

Those questions are Def odd and if he really feels that way not worth your time.

Never give up anything you enjoy for someone else, the right person will accept you and your hobbies etc as you are.

Personally I'd look at some one at least the same age or older we all know these men mature slower than women lol

Muffinmam · 22/08/2025 05:20

This would be a perfect opportunity to ghost this man. He can’t even drive his broke arse home from the movies. He’s not worth the effort to text.

dontcryformeargentina · 22/08/2025 05:51

He was negging you to undermine your confidence. I also sense cocklodger vibes.

Ooodelally · 22/08/2025 07:11

He obviously wants you to feel like he’s doing you some kind of favour by dating you. Absolutely gross of him. Block him and never look back…

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 22/08/2025 07:24

as others have said dump him and tell him it’s because he has too much baggage.

TalulaHalulah · 22/08/2025 07:27

I don’t see why you would need to give up karate if you have another DC, so it’s a red flag that he expects you to, shows he doesn’t think about parenting as his responsibility as well.

In terms of the baggage comment, the person I am seeing used that term in connection with himself but more in terms of the emotional load of having been divorced, rather than his DC (whom he clearly adores and is connected with, also he is very respectful and supportive of their mum/his ex). I said that our experiences make us who we are and I wouldn’t think of it that way.

For me, the red flag is more what he says about wondering what he saw in you. That implies he thinks you should be grateful he deigned to date you. It’s an awful comment. You were right to get the ick.

i also agree with the posters who say don’t share bad experiences until you know someone well. You don’t have to explain your status as a single parent, it’s a common enough scenario these days. Protect yourself and your DC.

Returnofjude · 22/08/2025 07:51

He’s thick
He’s got a shitty relationship with (let me guess, his insane ex)
He asks weird and offensive questions

OP, I can hardly bring myself to dignify your question with a response

What is clear though is that you need to focus on building up your self esteem

MrsJeanLuc · 22/08/2025 08:10

C95 · 22/08/2025 00:02

May I ask why you would do this?

Not being goady!

Why would you give him the benefit of the doubt. There is no doubt, he's a negging walking bell end :)

Show quote history

No shades of grey in your world then 🤣🤣🤣

PinkZebraStripes · 22/08/2025 08:17

No do not give him the benefit of the doubt! Honestly women.

He is playing you. He's keeping his options open for some mythical idea of perfection. Let him and his fragile ego go.

He's also quite fucking rude IMHO. He's marking out the territory of you being the fun thing on this side and not the main event. Fuck him off. As it also won't do your confidence any favours- do you want to start thinking like this person? As that's what will happen.

I have seen this many times in younger men. It's all good and well as long as you play into the narrative that they are doing you a favour. They cannot deal with rejection from an older woman. You have to ego stroke them, its all they want really.

Ergo they can't deal with any form if constructive criticism either. It's not a balanced relationship. I am generalising and there are good people out there but don't underestimate social conditioning.

HonestOpalHelper · 22/08/2025 08:23

Sounds like a total tool, best to get away now whilst its easy to do.

NormasArse · 22/08/2025 08:33

noidea69 · 21/08/2025 15:31

I'd have karate chopped him.

😁

Agapornis · 22/08/2025 09:08

Clearly he knows very little about karate if he thinks you can't be pregnant and do karate.

I briefly dated someone who didn't like me doing judo because I'd get bruises. I dumped him. I'd NEVER date someone who wants me to give up my martial art or sport.

Alltheyellowbirds · 22/08/2025 09:11

Agapornis · 22/08/2025 09:08

Clearly he knows very little about karate if he thinks you can't be pregnant and do karate.

I briefly dated someone who didn't like me doing judo because I'd get bruises. I dumped him. I'd NEVER date someone who wants me to give up my martial art or sport.

It doesn’t sound like he just meant during pregnancy either, more like she could never do it again after she had children. I read it that he expects mothers to stay in the kitchen and not have hobbies or a life outside the home. Ugh.

Alltheyellowbirds · 22/08/2025 09:14

dontcryformeargentina · 22/08/2025 05:51

He was negging you to undermine your confidence. I also sense cocklodger vibes.

Absolutely negging. Trying to knock your confidence so you feel grateful he’s with you. Get out now, he will continue you make you feel shit about yourself.

TabbyCatInAPoolofSunshine · 22/08/2025 09:20

jolies1 · 21/08/2025 16:23

Best advice I was given when OLD - you don’t owe anyone anything. If you don’t like them for any reason you don’t need to continue seeing them. Obviously don’t be a dick and politely turn them down / make an excuse but if you have to question if you should keep seeing them, the answer is no. Enjoy it for what it is - an opportunity to meet lots of new people & hopefully one day someone really great.

Yes - I've never done OLD because I am old 😝 but back in my dating days when everything was "in person" and there were no smart phones let alone dating apps this applied just as much; until you have joint commitments (whether children, a home, pets or whatever) you don't need a reason not to see the person any more, you just need to be polite about how you end things. Any feeling that the person is not someone who values you and you are right to end it.

You should have reasons to bother to see the person again - you don't need reasons not to.

Being single is the default and is a good way to be, with all that freedom to make your own decisions and do things your way - you can and should walk away from a relationship or date you have doubts about and whoch doesn't on balance make your life and the way you feel better rather than worse than being single.

CruCru · 22/08/2025 09:25

MounjaroMounjaro · 21/08/2025 15:34

Ugh, he's horrible! What a twat thinking your child is baggage, particularly when he has one himself.

One thing, though, is that I think it's a mistake to talk to someone new about bad relationships. It can imply you don't have boundaries. I'd hate his eyes to light up at that thought.

Yes, I was going to say this. It’s safer to keep it light and say something like “it just didn’t work out”.

autienotnaughty · 22/08/2025 09:28

If only you had played it back to him regarding his baggage.
definitely drop him op

Returnofjude · 22/08/2025 09:44

MrsJeanLuc · 22/08/2025 08:10

No shades of grey in your world then 🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

So you would give him the benefit of the doubt @MrsJeanLuc

freerangethighs · 22/08/2025 11:35

He could have meant that you might have to give up karate for a short period late in pregnancy/immediately after, or with a difficult pregnancy - still a weird thing to ask on a first date. But it sounds more like he thinks doing karate now could have a negative cumulative health effect that would lower the odds of getting pregnant or introduce health risks, which is on the crank end of the spectrum but in any case not his business at this stage.

The "what do I see in you" question is "negging" - and even if it's somehow not intentional, it's really rude and the first date is much too early to be rude. But the only real answer to "why do you think I picked you?" is "because you thought we might be compatible". Which, apparently, you aren't. Toss this one back, perhaps with a sigh of relief that he said the quiet part out loud so soon that you didn't waste much time on him!

MrsJeanLuc · 22/08/2025 11:37

Returnofjude · 22/08/2025 09:44

So you would give him the benefit of the doubt @MrsJeanLuc

Show quote history

Probably not, but I wouldn't call him a walking bell-end. 😁

Returnofjude · 22/08/2025 11:45

MrsJeanLuc · 22/08/2025 11:37

Probably not, but I wouldn't call him a walking bell-end. 😁

Show quote history

Not to his face
but no doubt sitting in the car as you drove him home and he was spouting this to you, you may well have thought it…

MzHz · 22/08/2025 11:48

Don’t you DARE let this utter waste of skin make you feel even slightly crap about yourself

HE is showing you who he is. Someone who will tear your soul to pieces. I bet the reason he has such an appalling relationship with his ex, because he’s abused and denigrated her for years.

just ghost the MF. Drop him like the sack of shit he is.

beAsensible1 · 22/08/2025 11:55

As an aside don’t talk about all your bad exes and past relationships so early on. It’s a bit much and like catnip to weirdos.

him suggesting having kids with you on date THREE is insane.

get away from this clunker

beAsensible1 · 22/08/2025 11:58

Funny that men with kids don’t consider themselves to be the ones with baggage. Only women….