To meet up with an old friend who is in very different circumstances?

[UndecidedCiders]

I had a best friend at uni who was intelligent, witty, and incredibly good fun. We were inseparable for three years. We both partied hard and experimented with recreational drugs, but she was always more comfortable with it.

When we graduated, I moved to London and she moved back to her hometown. I remember I used to sometimes cry because I missed her so much. We met up in the next few years, but not often, due to the distance and us both being busy building our lives. She split from her lovely boyfriend and was doing well in a creative career.

Fast-forward fifteen years and I’m settled with kids, a stable job, mortgage and all that. She is still in her hometown, which is several hours from me. We recently reconnected (she often changes social media accounts, but adds me) and I’d love to meet up with her but I’m a bit scared that we’ll have nothing in common and it’ll be awkward or sad. From what I know, she’s unemployed and dating men with criminal records for serious violence and drugs. To be frank, these men look like the kind of people I’d cross the road to avoid. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if she’s on heroin too.

AIBU to go and see her?

I know what you mean but there are a lot of assumptions here right?

I think I would try a few DMs first, just to get the lie of the land before meeting in person.

Could you meet her for a coffee in a public place? A bit like dating then if it’s awful or awkward you can manage it for an hour or 90 minutes and then it’s done. If it goes ok then you could plan to meet her again. It’s not clear how far away she is but you could visit the area and “be passing through” to explain the short meeting

Book a hotel in her town, invite her to lunch, chat. See how it goes.

Sometimes old friends are just longing for someone who knew them in better times to reach out a hand …

If you are going to take your judgement and assumptions with you then I wouldn’t bother. If you can put that to one side and go enjoy a coffee with an old friend then go for it. It’s fine if you don’t feel you can leave your judgement at the door, you’ve grown apart and that’s life, but don’t go and put it on her.

Yes, if you've only just 'reconnected', how on earth do you know so much about her employment, relationships with criminals and likely addictions? I assume she's not on Instagram posting photos of her scoring drugs with her recently-released lifer boyfriends.

Definitely this.

Meet if you want but stay in control of yourself. Eg don't accept an invitation to stay at hers or anything you might feel uncomfortable with.

Has she actually indicated that she’d like to meet up with you?

I would absolutely meet her. Frankly I'm surprised you'd consider cutting her off bc you worry you wouldn't have much in common. I would meet her and then decide from there. I think you can be friends with someone in different circumstances.

I'd give it a miss OP. Doesn't sound positive and after 15 years it might be time to just let it go and remember your friendship at uni as it was.

What makes you think she's on heroin? Loads of people date rough looking blokes. It wouldn't necessarily mean I thought I wouldn't be able to enjoy their company.

Maybe her life is different to yours but that doesn't mean you can't be friends? Unless you will feel judgement about her lifestyle?

To answer some questions, yes, we have exchanged a lot of DMs, but not about anything deep, and she’s keen to meet up.

We have spoken briefly over the years, and started chatting properly last year. I Googled her boyfriend then because she tagged photos of him, and from his photos he looked dangerous. He has a multi-decade record for GBH, ABH, firearms offences, heroin dealing and more (I don’t know if any of it relates to her; she’s not been interested in discussing partners except very briefly). I believe he’s in prison now, and he’s previously served long stretches. Her current boyfriend seems less dangerous but still has multiple records for assault and heroin dealing.

If I came across as judgemental, that wasn’t my intention. She’s genuinely one of the best people I’ve ever known and I’d love for us to be in each other’s lives again, but I’m not sure how realistic that is, given the drugs, the distance and that I have kids.

So how did you find out about their criminal records?

By Googling their names and their hometown.

Do you background check everyone’s boyfriends or is it just if they ‘look’ dangerous? Why do you think she’s on heroine?

You have your previous time together in common

Meet up & catch up

No judgements

We are all human

I wouldn't meet up with her.

I don’t know why you’re so appalled by the idea she might be? Are you a teetotaller with a heroin addict boyfriend? I think she might be because for at least the last year, she’s been with men who habitually deal heroin.

I’ve Googled all kinds of people! I Googled anyone I went on dates with, old friends I’ve bumped into, new friends I’ve made, myself… Everyone has an online presence these days.

Be cautious. But of course you will be. Don’t give out too much information.
But, she was and potentially still could be someone you get on very well with and deep connections like that are pretty rare in my experience.
Meet up with her, see how you feel. You could be a good influence on her if she is trying to change her life for the better.

It could be that she’s living a hippie/ alternative lifestyle without being on drugs etc. if she’s a creative type perhaps she’s just living differently. Who knows.

Perhaps you could meet up for a coffee or light lunch at some place that's equidistant to both of your homes? Are you worried that your friend might bring the boyfriend?

Exactly.

I’ve a feeling if anyone regrets meeting up it’ll be the OP’s friend.

Not sure how you got appalled from the question of ‘why do you think she’s on heroine’, it’s a pretty basic question. If you are worried about the boyfriend you can ask her not to bring him

I find incredibly weird.

The older I get, the more I enjoy spending time with people I knew when I was young. I’d love to reminisce and be there for each other, I’m just not sure if the gulf is too wide now.