To meet up with an old friend who is in very different circumstances?

[UndecidedCiders]

I had a best friend at uni who was intelligent, witty, and incredibly good fun. We were inseparable for three years. We both partied hard and experimented with recreational drugs, but she was always more comfortable with it.

When we graduated, I moved to London and she moved back to her hometown. I remember I used to sometimes cry because I missed her so much. We met up in the next few years, but not often, due to the distance and us both being busy building our lives. She split from her lovely boyfriend and was doing well in a creative career.

Fast-forward fifteen years and I’m settled with kids, a stable job, mortgage and all that. She is still in her hometown, which is several hours from me. We recently reconnected (she often changes social media accounts, but adds me) and I’d love to meet up with her but I’m a bit scared that we’ll have nothing in common and it’ll be awkward or sad. From what I know, she’s unemployed and dating men with criminal records for serious violence and drugs. To be frank, these men look like the kind of people I’d cross the road to avoid. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if she’s on heroin too.

AIBU to go and see her?

Except nobody on here has said that have they OP? I haven’t read any reply that’s said to take your children to a suspected heroin den have they… ?

You have already made your mind up about her. I’m assuming that you have actually picked up the phone and have asked her about her personal circumstances? Or have you just googled and decided from what you have found out?

Christ….

I don't blame the OP for being very careful having done research into her old friends dubious associates. Why does your friend suddenly want to see you? What could an addict possibly want from a long lost friend? Money? Chat about old times? Money? Reignite flames of friendship? Money?

How dare you be so rude. I have worked with addicts for 25 years. What have you done?

I haven’t jumped to conclusions like you 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Cheesyfootballs01bored now of you popping up in my inbox. You have your opinion and enjoy it Xxxx

I’ve asked her repeatedly and she’s changed the subject

No I wouldn't meet her OP. I would be horrified if my DH went to meet an old uni friend with these issues especially as you have DC.

So what’s the verdict OP? Are you going to meet up with her?

You're also jumping to conclusions .... Just different ones

I still don’t know, to be honest. I’d love to see her. I guess she’s keeping the details of her life secret for a reason.

If I can find the time to go the distance to see her alone then I hope I can.

Sorry that was to @ToKittyornottoKitty

Would you be meeting with her just to satisfy your curiosity though and if so where would you take it from there?

You make repeated remarks about her moving back to her hometown as though that’s some huge shame. Just because she isn’t married or has kids like you do does that make her a lesser person? People’s lives go in different ways. I’m not sure how you’ve deduced she’s on heroin, thats a whole other issue if it’s correct.

Tbh I would save yourself the headache, retreat back to your comfortable, successful life and leave the memory of her in happier times. And save her your judgement. You don’t sound like a true friend at all.

Don’t meet up with her.

Save her from your classist and judgemental views.

You don’t sound like much of a friend tbh.

It's a reasonable deduction, given this:

What makes me think my friend may be on heroin is that she’s been in relationships with heroin dealers for at least the past year.

But even if she is not, which is kind of unlikely:

It’s not just the heroin but the dealing, violence, gun crime, theft and other offences that her close associates are involved in that scares me. I don’t know the level of her involvement but the men she’s dating are not good people.

If yous were really true friends it won’t feel awkward for long. Maybe make the first meeting brief or do an activity so there’s stuff to chat about.

This is the most insane 'advice' I have read on this thread, from someone purportedly working with addicts for over twenty years.

OP is not a one-woman rehabilitation centre for someone she's not seen in years, who hasn't even asked for help.

I know someone who has met up with people they knew 50 years ago too. They now have a network of such friends that they see a lot.

You never know what will happen. If you’ve got along ok messaging, then why not? You’ve not really got much to lose except half a day travelling and as you were such great friends at Uni you’ll probably enjoy reminiscing. Arrange a brief meeting though. Pass through their hometown and “organise” something in another place nearby “that you’ve always wanted to visit” so you can only meet up for a hour or two. Or just say that things haven’t worked out with childcare. Partner / family are busy now (unexpected work / appointment) and you needs to get back home and can only stay an hour or two. Or organise to meet half way. Again for a short time. See how it goes. Ask if it’s just going to be the two of you. “I’d be more comfortable catching up if it was just the two of us”.

If it doesn’t work out fine, but you might love to reconnect and it might work out great. It might be that your friend needs you as life and things haven’t worked out as she thought.

good luck

Yes, my curiosity about what she’s been up to for the last fifteen years and whether or not we’d still connect. Which would be the same reason anyone would meet up with an old friend?

Or to see how disastrous her life actually was as you already know she is not in a good place

That’s your assumption, not mine.

This.

Maybe mos people are not as narrow minded, quick to jump to worst conclusions and judgey as you.

You know she isn’t though