To meet up with an old friend who is in very different circumstances?

[UndecidedCiders]

I had a best friend at uni who was intelligent, witty, and incredibly good fun. We were inseparable for three years. We both partied hard and experimented with recreational drugs, but she was always more comfortable with it.

When we graduated, I moved to London and she moved back to her hometown. I remember I used to sometimes cry because I missed her so much. We met up in the next few years, but not often, due to the distance and us both being busy building our lives. She split from her lovely boyfriend and was doing well in a creative career.

Fast-forward fifteen years and I’m settled with kids, a stable job, mortgage and all that. She is still in her hometown, which is several hours from me. We recently reconnected (she often changes social media accounts, but adds me) and I’d love to meet up with her but I’m a bit scared that we’ll have nothing in common and it’ll be awkward or sad. From what I know, she’s unemployed and dating men with criminal records for serious violence and drugs. To be frank, these men look like the kind of people I’d cross the road to avoid. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if she’s on heroin too.

AIBU to go and see her?

I'm curious why it is you who has to go and see her, if some meetup is to occur. Why can't she come and see you? Or meet halfway?

(I think you would be nuts to re-engage face to face at this point, though.)

No need for personal attacks. At least read the OP's posts. By all means, if you want to associate with heroin dealers and violent criminals, go ahead though.

I think generally, the idea that we shouldn't judge people is nonsense and the suggestion that some people don't judge is BS. We all judge people all the time. If we didn't judge people how do we know who we like? And we judge people on the choices they make because those choices make them who they are.

Your friend's choice is to be in relationships with violent drug dealers. Had she been doing that when you first met I suspect you would never have become friends. But this is who she is now and her being so evasive about what her life is like now suggests she knows you wouldn't like the person she has become.

If you go to meet her that is who you will be meeting, not the woman you have fond memories of. It could be she is nostalgic for her previous life and would like to go back to that and maybe she feels reconnecting with you might help her do that. But she hasn't said that, has she? It is equally possible that she might feel she has something else to gain by drawing you back in. But if it is just a straightforward attempt to rekindle your friendship, I think your lives are so different now that would be impossible.

If she doesn't open up and answer questions over the phone, what makes you think she will over a coffee? If she is a user she will lie and you will never get a straight answer from her. She may not be a user, just made bad bf choices and want to start afresh. Why don't you continue chatting on phone so that you can get to know each other again before meeting up? If she's still not opening up after a month or so, you can reassess the situation.

There is no indication that OP 's friend is an addict. And OP would be meeting her for coffee, not moving her into her house.

Except I’m not messaging you am I? I’m commenting on a public thread ( just like I’m entitled too 😏 )

You need to calm down.

Yeah I thought this reply was wild. From ‘ Hey do you fancy meeting up for a coffee after all these years ‘ to OMG she is an addict here is a ten step rehab program…

So in that circumstance i would be direct with her and message her with your concerns that you have said on here.

’ Hey friend, it’s been great to catch up after so long. It’s been lovely to hear from you and to chat about the old days but I’m feeling that you are not being quite honest with me when I ask about your life now?

Im not sure if something is going on but I would really appreciate you being honest with me - maybe we can meet up half way for a coffee after all and proper catch up?

You have left the ball on her court then. If she still says everything is fine then meet up with just her and you will soon know from how she is.

She may say that it’s a life she was in but had now gotten out of, or she may be involved in that lifestyle still but you won’t know until you meet her.

You really are naiive in the nicest way possible. Like I said previously I worked in the fifield until 3 months ago. You do not retire before 50 unless you are good at your job. It is sad, beyond belief, hopeless but you do not have the power to change people. The drugs are a stronger pull sad as it is. I am in no way saying users are bad people, they just got swept up by the wrong tide

Perhaps she's trying to turn her life around, which isn't easy to do if friends shut you out without explaining why. If op doesn't want to meet up, she should at least tell her the reason. That would give her friend the chance to say " I have used in x months, or whatever." Maybe she's trying to clean up her life.

I met up with an old college friend recently after 30 years. It didn't go well, but I don't regret trying it.

It seems unusual that you would want to involve your husband and kids with your old friend meet-ups though?
If I meet up with an old friend from my distant past, I wouldn't take DH along. He wouldn't be interested, and it would upset the dynamic.
I wouldn't be interested in tagging along to his either.

@UndecidedCidersdon't let them make you feel bad for Googling. Most of us would try to check up if something seemed off. Where I'm originally from, more is available publicly and women often check both the sex offender registry and the circuit court records. That is the lower courts- drunken disorderlies, domestic abuse, solicitation, evictions, ect. I once found a contractor who had done my porch was a sex offender by looking who lived in the area around a house I was considering! And I found the house I bought was reduced because a coke dealer was getting out of prison and getting rid of his house beforehand was a condition of release.

In the U.K. I met the nicest lady at softplay and our kids played for hours. She suggested we meet up again. She told me a few worrying things about a boyfriend- no name. And later I found the media coverage about him and the crime but also the domestic abuse. As she still loved him and stayed in touch and as he will likely be released, I chose not to pursue a friendship with her because I don't need that element in my life... and I can't hide my disdain face.

If knowing or checking makes me a bad person then so be it. In your case, I'd do a quick meet up at a coffee shop passing through and see her. What you know already can prepare you for the visit and know what you will do if she asks for help or money, for example. But you might always wonder, and if something happens to her you might feel regret that you didn't reach out. Only you know what is right for you.