To meet up with an old friend who is in very different circumstances?

[UndecidedCiders]

I had a best friend at uni who was intelligent, witty, and incredibly good fun. We were inseparable for three years. We both partied hard and experimented with recreational drugs, but she was always more comfortable with it.

When we graduated, I moved to London and she moved back to her hometown. I remember I used to sometimes cry because I missed her so much. We met up in the next few years, but not often, due to the distance and us both being busy building our lives. She split from her lovely boyfriend and was doing well in a creative career.

Fast-forward fifteen years and I’m settled with kids, a stable job, mortgage and all that. She is still in her hometown, which is several hours from me. We recently reconnected (she often changes social media accounts, but adds me) and I’d love to meet up with her but I’m a bit scared that we’ll have nothing in common and it’ll be awkward or sad. From what I know, she’s unemployed and dating men with criminal records for serious violence and drugs. To be frank, these men look like the kind of people I’d cross the road to avoid. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if she’s on heroin too.

AIBU to go and see her?

In the past 15 years or so, I’ve reconnected with people I knew 50 years ago. It’s brought me unexpectedly deep joy.

But you can’t know until you try. Nothing lost if just one meeting seems more than enough.

So go meet her and then decide. If she's struggling meeting an old friend might be very important to her, instead of cutting her off for no reason.

I’m pretty surprised by these responses. I expected everyone to say not to meet her.

Meet her! You are overthinking it. If nothing else you have the intervening years to catch up on.

This. I was definitely too trusting and accepting when I was younger. I'm lot more careful now. Trust your instincts OP. If you don't feel safe then don't meet. If you do then I agree with PP meet in a public place and tell someone where are where you are meeting

I think I will do, alone. In the best case we can become friends again and in the worst, I’ve tried I guess.

Realistically if she’s an active heroin user I can’t have her around my kids.

Yes OP. I agree wholeheartedly with you. All the best with it

She's still your friend even if she's made terrible life choices. The only snag might be that if she's in dire circumstances, that you might then feel honour bound to help her. Which on her trajectory probably won't actually make any appreciable difference to her.

Ask her some more questions and feel it out if you don't know what her situation is

To be perfectly honest, no, I wouldn't seek to reconnect with an old friend who was dating potentially violent men involved with drugs. Whether or not she is personally taking hard drugs, she's choosing to associate with dangerous people, and I don't want that in my life.

I see that you've decided to go in a different direction, though, so I wish you luck. I'd just take it very slowly before you open your family up to unpleasantness through association with her.

I don't think you can say the gulf is too wide, for regular friendship maybe yes but this is a one off meet up. If your daily lives are very different you still have all those shared memories. You can have a laugh, reminisce and leave it at that. There is no pressure to go back to being best friends. I'd definitely go

She may be looking to tuurn her life around.

I have tried to find out more about her life, but she just changes the subject or makes a joke.

I agree.

Meeting somewhere neutral might be an option to consider, be it lunch at a place nearby that you want to visit.

Meet her at a neutral place, in a coffee shop.

Googling people can be a mistake. There was something negative and totally incorrect about me online when I googled my own name, I had to jump through hoops to get it removed (think legal document that had been incorrectly printed).

No @UndecidedCiders, you WANTED everyone to say not to meet her because you have already decided that she is a druggie with “dangerous “ boyfriends….

You wanted a get out but you haven’t gotten it.

You think that you have done so much better than her because you are married with a family.

If you don’t want to meet her then that’s fine, but at least be honest with yourself about it.

I think you would be insane to meet up with someone who has these kind of men in her life. She is mixing with a really dangerous crowd.Trouble will only follow. Are you up for being her rescuer, or being hit up for money, or a place to stay if she wants to escape them? The closer you get the more involved in her mess you will be, and no sane person would bring that onto their children's doorsteps. I would keep it as it is, and not meet in person. She isn't the person she once was, and if she ever does clean up her life then it is up to her to come to you.

So don’t make assumptions about people based on stuff online.

I don’t think I would meet with her as if he do get along like before where do you think it will go……her texting you about the many issues in her life and the many problems she’s having with her partner I would guess, she has probably lost many people from her life (because of her behaviour) and is desperately trying to find someone to lean on

I know that sounds horrible of me but I’m through being a councillor / therapist to people with issues that they caused for themselves

There are numerous newspaper articles and they feature photos, so I know it is the same men that she’s linked with on social media. The one that’s in prison now was taken in by armed riot police.

Her living an alternative lifestyle, or smoking weed on the weekends, or being a hippie wouldn’t phase me, but she has very close associations with people who have old and new records for ABH and GBH, have served lengthy prison sentences for violence and are career drug dealers of heroin and crack cocaine. These are dangerous and scary people that I don’t want anywhere near my children. If that makes me judgemental, so be it.

I wouldn’t want to associate with someone who is dating a violent criminal. I don’t care what anyone’s sob story is when it comes to why they are dealing drugs.

It’s not that you are married and have children that you have done better it’s because you don’t date criminals. That’s her choice.

It’s 100% understandable, how could you not be judgemental after finding that out

I think some people ( the people who accuse you of being judgemental ) think they can live their lives what ever way they want and then expect people not to be judgemental, well here’s news to you, people are definitely judging you as that’s what people do, since time began humans developed skills to judge a situation and form an opinion in order to estimate how dangerous it could be….it’s human nature

All the people with lowlife partners are out in force.

I've just googled myself. Nothing at all.