To meet up with an old friend who is in very different circumstances?

[UndecidedCiders]

I had a best friend at uni who was intelligent, witty, and incredibly good fun. We were inseparable for three years. We both partied hard and experimented with recreational drugs, but she was always more comfortable with it.

When we graduated, I moved to London and she moved back to her hometown. I remember I used to sometimes cry because I missed her so much. We met up in the next few years, but not often, due to the distance and us both being busy building our lives. She split from her lovely boyfriend and was doing well in a creative career.

Fast-forward fifteen years and I’m settled with kids, a stable job, mortgage and all that. She is still in her hometown, which is several hours from me. We recently reconnected (she often changes social media accounts, but adds me) and I’d love to meet up with her but I’m a bit scared that we’ll have nothing in common and it’ll be awkward or sad. From what I know, she’s unemployed and dating men with criminal records for serious violence and drugs. To be frank, these men look like the kind of people I’d cross the road to avoid. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if she’s on heroin too.

AIBU to go and see her?

Honestly, having been in your position, no I wouldn’t meet up with her. It wouldn’t even cross my mind given the circumstances you’ve described. Her life has chaos and drama written all over it, she’s hours away, and your lives have diverged.

Under similar circumstances, I did reengage with a previous friend. I spent the whole conversation wondering why because it was clear we had nothing in common anymore, that her life was dysfunctional, and that she was keen to fall back into our old ‘roles’ (I.e. me being the emotional crutch propping up her disasters) so I said a polite goodbye and was non-committal about future contact. I have never seen her or spoken to her in person again. Messages quickly dwindled and I no longer hear from her at all. I have not regretted it.

I’m afraid this would be my response. I’ve seen old friends go down that path and where they are now and they’re not the same people they once were, and not people I want to be associating with. If OPs friend is into drugs then it won’t be long before she’s hitting her up for money.

Realistically if she’s an active heroin user I can’t have her around my kids

Has she indicated that she wants to be around your kids?

She's asking you to go and see her, not spend a week on a caravan holiday with you. You're inventing problems here.

If you don't think you're comfortable seeing her, don't see her. But trying to justify it with 'Won't someone please think of the children' when she very likely has zero interest in ever hanging out with them is daft.

okay stalker judgy vibes here sounds like you are the bigger red flag here cripes

Well it helps when you find out your ex friend dates violent convicted criminals doesn't it. Easier to find that out beforehand, than when you've wasted your time trekking across the country to go visit them.
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Personally I wouldn't bother meeting up. I don't want to associate with criminals or people who thinks it's a good idea to date criminals. Less drama in my life the better.

What makes you think she may be on heroin? Even if she is would you not try to help her rather than block her from your children. I know lots of addicts OP from my line of work. Noone as a child aims to be a smack head. Reasons behind circumstances . You don't sound like a true friend. I get you want to protect your family, but if this a woman you have cried over, give her a chance. Also be prepared she may not appear as polished as she was if life has been tough. Be kind, but careful would be my advice. My best friends sister ODed on heroin last year. It hit her hard, she was ashamed to tell people as people like that don't exist in our lives (bullshit).

OP, I was in a very similar situation to you, except my friend never reached out to meet up. I could see on social media she was clearly in a bad place, but the replies to my messages were erratic and I had to way to know where she lived.

I found out a few years ago she died due to her addictions. I'm still heartbroken. She was a good person from a good family who just started as someone at uni going a bit wild at the weekend.

I understand why you don't want to meet, but I would. Somewhere safe for you of course. It's very difficult to help someone who is addicted, but I would give anything to see my friend.

You’re right that I’m overthinking it.

It’s just, with all my other friendships, if it’s long-distance we tend to meet up with partners and kids, or if they don’t have kids often they’ll come to mine and we’ll go out from here. We do uni reunion trips with partners and kids, usually weekends away or camping. My kids are little and my husband and I work a lot without much family support. So most of my friends do see my kids and our families are integrated.

But one step at a time.

I’m sorry about your sister’s friend. My friend’s brother died the same way, and was homeless for a time beforehand. It really hurt all of their family.

What makes me think my friend may be on heroin is that she’s been in relationships with heroin dealers for at least the past year.

It’s not just the heroin but the dealing, violence, gun crime, theft and other offences that her close associates are involved in that scares me. I don’t know the level of her involvement but the men she’s dating are not good people.

I may be in the minority here, but I would not spend time with a heroin addict even if I used to be friends with them. I have phased friends out for much less drama than heroin addiction. I like to protect my peace at all costs.

I’m really sorry about your friend. Mine was so important to me at that time, and we had an amazing bond.

I’ve known some other people who’ve died from accidental overdoses over the years.

It sounds like you reached out to your friend and did all you could

@UndecidedCiders

Do her a favour and don't meet up with her. Just ghost her. You sound rather judgy, and clearly think you're better than her, and that your life is sooooo much better than hers. 🙄 I'm sure she doesn't need that in her life.

It’s not that you are in the minority to think that, it’s that OP doesn’t no if her friend is a heroin addict or not. She’s assumed it by internet stalking her friends partner and former partner and making judgements based on that. Her whole assumed narrative might be totally wrong. There’s only one way to find out really.

your not in the minority but the op thinks Facebook is obviously the fountain of all knowledge and Facebook must be believed at all costs she is judgy and stalkerish vibes and thinks she lives on a high horse lol

Sometimes there’s threads on here that really make me realise how widely posters’ lives differ. I haven’t led a sheltered life, I’ve known people die from overdoses and I wouldn’t consider myself to be prudish, but I wouldn’t have violent, dangerous heroin dealers, or their associates, around my family. Yet clearly there’s plenty here who think it’s fine.

Court records and newspapers, but keep your narrative.

hardly background checking googling someone , it will be local paper reporting. And yes if if an old friend with someone on fb who looked bloody rough then curiosity would get the better of me.

I would stay well clear of anyone involved with drugs/drug dealers/anyone violent with a criminal history of violence. It just sounds dangerous and you don't know what you might be dragged into. Keep the reminiscing to messages or phone calls if the reminiscing is important to you. It's easy to look back on old friendships with rose tinted glasses but sometimes they need to be left in the past.

I completely get you. Realistically if she is an addict the chances you can help are low. Saying that considering how close you once were maybe you should give her one chance. You sound like you have built a beautiful life for yourself, so I would in no way risk that. Up to you whether you want to give her a chance. Obviously don't give cash, don't tell her where you live or anything like that. I can't shake the feeling it is a cry for help. Saying that do you want someone going cold turkey in your house. Perhaps be a friend; signpost to services which are available so be a great friend without impacting your family. In my area Turning Point will place people in residential rehabs which are good, for minimal cost, which she should be able to pay for our of benefits. This would give her months to loose the unhealthy relationships, feed her, counselling, you could even visit weekly once she had settled in. Say 6 weeks into her placement for an hour a week. She obviously trusts you, I doubt she has many others she can. Be prepared for relapse though it happens and will drain you. It really depends if you think removing her from her current environment will make a difference. I wish you all the best, posting here shows you care even if she is unaware.

You realise it’s you who asked the question right? You are the one thinking of having this person around your family in the future… if you don’t want to then don’t meet her.

I wouldn’t meet up with her Op.

She deserves way more of a friend than you, even if she is a heroin using gangsters moll.

To be honest I wouldn’t risk getting involved with her in any way. It’s sad, but she’s associating with dangerous people and I’d want to stay off their radar entirely.

Omg people google other people all the time.

Human beings are curious and nosy. Most of the time you google, fuck all comes up, its boring.

Sometimes you google, and its article from the Hartley Witley Gazette saying this person got convicted of aggravated assault after a pub fight and its like the same way people slow down when there's a motorway pile up.

Ps op i would not go near this. People involved in this sort of activity are not people I'm going to choose to bring into my or my kid's lives.

I'm so surprised. I'm wondering if I'm inventing things in my head because I'm so tired.

This woman has a pattern of going out with men who have convictions for serious violence against other human beings.

I don't understand why you want to meet up with her. Who will she choose next? A serial killer?