‘Best friend’ wedding snub

[Mariamjam]

Sorry for the essay. Best mate (since school) recently got wed and ofc talked endless about all the details including the bridesmaids who she said were all the young members of her family. Whilst I thought it would have been nice to be asked as it’s something we’ve always said we’d do, I understood and resolved that it was role for the little ones. However, on the day I ended up being blind sided as she had friends as bridesmaids too and I only realised as they walked down the aisle and were right in front of me . I have some history with these women for context, they don’t talk to me when their friend is around as we has a fall out a long time ago, however if she’s not around they are fine, (ridiculous given how old we all are). The said girls didn’t speak to me along with others in their little gang which was a bit uncomfortable but there were too many lovely people around to be too bothered. Otherwise, the wedding was beautiful but ‘best friend’ spent at max 2 minutes with me, I tried to be understanding as she was so busy. I’ve not said anything but lots have asked why I wasn’t in the wedding party and all I can say is it’s her choice. I feel so stupid , them being bridesmaids is one thing but I thought we were close enough to make sure I knew and resolved that I had put the friendship on a pedestal and she doesn’t see me the same way. She sent a text today ( a week later ) saying sorry she didn’t get to spend much time with me on the day and that she values our friendship so much and I’m like a sister to her.. but I’m not am I? It’s just got me spiralling and upset again. AIBU?

Don’t respond then, I will be a clear cool message to her that you see through her BS, if she considers you such an amazing friend surely she will contact you again to see if you are ok…..let her stew and think over her behaviour

Do you do her favours? Maybe lending money, child care, driving, cat sitting, work favours?

My first thought was that maybe you give her some kind of help that she is worried won’t continue now she has publicly said, you aren’t a great a friend.

Send her a glitter bomb hoping they had a great honeymoon then back away...

No response is a response.

At some level she knows she’s in the wrong. Let her sweat. Do not reply. For now at least.

OK I can understand why she didnt have you as BM when you dont get along with other BM, she wouldnt have had much time on her wedding day - totally normal

What is cant understand is why on earth she didnt give you a heads up what was happening with BM. She was a total coward, blindsided you and is now hoping you don't mention it.

If you haven’t already replied, leave it a week.and still don’t reply

She’s not your friend and hasn’t been for years: after all, actions speak louder than words. Be kind to yourself OP 💐

She's trying to cover up her crap

I wouldnt respond now as she is on homeymoom. IF she contacts you again when back then id clearly tell her then

Hmm, not sure on this one. It might tarnish her wedding and i'd urge you to be a bigger person to avoid that, even though she is a twat. I'd leave it, either ignore or just keep it brief. She can spend her life wondering why. I'd imagine you probably want some form of closure, and that's part if the reason you want to have it out with her, but I think all you'll get are lies and excuses. Really, rise above it.

"Tarnish her wedding"? The bride has done that for herself. OP bears no responsibility for any of this, and you shouldn't be trying to guilt her into taking responsibility.

I'd leave the second message on read and not get in touch with her again unless she started the conversation

Im not, nor asking her to take responsibility. But these are 2 people with many mutual friends and considering the bride is quite comfortable is lying to save face, what's to stop her from lying more and suggesting OP has ruined her wedding by bringing this up? This is what manipulators do.

And I stand by what I said. OP probably feels the need for closure, as would i. But she won't get it, so what's the point? Silence is golden and will probably rile bride up much worse.

Definitely hurtful despite her acting like the playground bitch. I’d ditch the bitch.

Different circumstances, but many years ago, I was extremely hurt when I wasn’t invited to a friend’s hen weekend. I respected that it her choice who to invite, but it was a clear wake up call that, whilst I regarded her as one of my closest friends in the world, she didn’t feel the same about me. I still get upset if I think about it. It cut really deep

I didn’t discuss it with her. Didn’t see the point. Don’t know if she realised how upset I was

I recalibrated the friendship in my own head. We still meet up, but I just don’t feel as close to her now and probably never will again

I wonder if it's a social standing decision?

What I have found in my experience, both my own and observing and hearing about other people's friendship problems, is that the group will generally side with whoever is the most popular and influential. It doesn't seem to matter who is right or even who they personally like the most...it's down to who offers them the most in terms of social status. Good people will throw a friend under the bus to avoid being cast out themselves.

In this situation it may be that your friend genuinely values you but cares about how she is percieved by the group as a whole, more. It could be that although Frog wasn't a bridesmaid, she still holds the upper hand with the group. Your friend has a choice...face Frog's disapproval, which you can guarantee would be aired around, or leave you out.
She chose to be group-loyal but she knows she's a coward and she feels guilty...hence the gushy text.

I could be wrong of course...but I'll bet the fall out back then dictates what happens now.

I think it’s okay she didn’t spend much time with you on the day (the day goes so quickly and she probably had a million things to do/think about) but to say you’re best friends and not ask you to be bridesmaid is weird.
I would personally step back a bit from this friendship and just see her as a friend, rather than a best friend

She is shallow. Drop her. She will bring you nothing but disappointment. You sound a nice person and are worth more.

This is what I think too. The bride didn't want to have the wider fallout of annoying Frog, snd so just kept OP out to save face with Frog/the wider group.

But in that case, the bride could have just kept the BMs as children in the family, as she told OP.

OP - I agree with others who have said just don't respond. Any response you make, she will instantly go on the defensive (especially when retelling the tale to others later). Hold your head high and be graceful. Be polite to her when your paths cross in the future, but don't continue to go out of your way for her any more - she has shown you that you are not worth the extra effort, so don't make any extra effort for her either.

This. I know it’s not ‘no worries’ because it’s horrible but it will get turned around on you and whatever rubbish she comes up with, somehow it will all be your fault.

Send something non committal and then ignore any further messages from her. Dont open them, don’t read them, don’t block her, just hold your head up and spend time with people who are worth it.

Her behaviour is unacceptable and now she is covering herself. You deserve better.

If you ever get married (if not already), don't invite her.

I would just respond with " seriously?". And leave her to it. Bad enough she humiliated you, but to then try to insincerely try to flatter her way out of it? You deserve better.

That’s so hurtful. I would imagine she weighed up that if she chose you she would risk 5 others falling out with her, and gambled that you would take it on the chin, then couldn’t find a way to explain her decision to you, then dug a very deep hole by lying to you about it.
If I was this bride the fact that I hadn’t been honest with my best friend would have plagued me with so much that it would have spoiled my wedding day for me ( I can’t imagine a scenario where I would have done what she did!)
. Her subsequent message shows her guilt, but in my opinion that is too late. And to be honest all 6 of them are culpable!
My own way of dealing with it would be to take time to respond to her message with a clear head . She can’t undo what she did, and there doesn’t need to be a big confrontational end to your friendship. Just pull back and give your friendship to people who deserve it.

She probably finds the OP useful to have around, thats why she is getting the faux flattery now.