Page 2 | ‘Best friend’ wedding snub

Mariamjam · 2025-08-19T17:18:46+00:00

Sorry for the essay. Best mate (since school) recently got wed and ofc talked endless about all the details including the bridesmaids who she said were all the young members of her family. Whilst I thought it would have been nice to be asked as it’s something we’ve always said we’d do, I understood and resolved that it was role for the little ones. However, on the day I ended up being blind sided as she had friends as bridesmaids too and I only realised as they walked down the aisle and were right in front of me . I have some history with these women for context, they don’t talk to me when their friend is around as we has a fall out a long time ago, however if she’s not around they are fine, (ridiculous given how old we all are). The said girls didn’t speak to me along with others in their little gang which was a bit uncomfortable but there were too many lovely people around to be too bothered. Otherwise, the wedding was beautiful but ‘best friend’ spent at max 2 minutes with me, I tried to be understanding as she was so busy. I’ve not said anything but lots have asked why I wasn’t in the wedding party and all I can say is it’s her choice. I feel so stupid , them being bridesmaids is one thing but I thought we were close enough to make sure I knew and resolved that I had put the friendship on a pedestal and she doesn’t see me the same way. She sent a text today ( a week later ) saying sorry she didn’t get to spend much time with me on the day and that she values our friendship so much and I’m like a sister to her.. but I’m not am I? It’s just got me spiralling and upset again. AIBU?

Mammyof22020 · 19/08/2025 19:48

That's awful of her, she's no friend. She lied your face. Personally I would distance myself from her!

Cucy · 19/08/2025 19:51

Obviously she couldn’t spend much time with you on her wedding day.
So I wouldn’t be annoyed about that.

But I would be really annoyed that she said she was only family as bridesmaids but wasn’t.

Its not about not being a bridesmaid, it’s about her lying/keeping things from you.

The weirdest thing about all of this though is that these friends don’t talk to you when the other friend is not around!!
What is that all about?!

I would be distancing myself from all of them.

PinkArt · 19/08/2025 19:54

I agree with others that she might be your best friend but you seem to not be hers.
Is it possible though that she felt she had to make a choice between you and the other women because of the 'history'? She chose to remove potential conflict or drama from her wedding party and it was easier for her to remove just you rather than everyone else?

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/08/2025 20:00

Blimey, what a cow. I’m afraid you are not as important to her as you thought, she’s no friend. I’d be stepping back from this person - way, way back. I’m sorry op.

Original poster

Mariamjam · 19/08/2025 20:21

MolkosTeenageAngst · 19/08/2025 18:21

Did she have a hen do? It does seem odd if you are very close that she didn’t disclose any of her bridesmaids until the actual wedding. That said, it is clear that there is drama between you and the girls she chose to be bridesmaids, maybe she was worried about how you would react.

She had three hen dos! Which says a lot about the dynamics I guess.

I just wrote back congrats and enjoy your honeymoon and she’s sent another message about all the milestones in our friendship and how important I am. Also that she would have loved for me and dc to be in the wedding party and she wasn’t going to have any mates but asked the girls a couple of months ago as she needed support with the last details they are more available than me as I have a young child and work.

OP posts:

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 19/08/2025 20:21

CoffeeCantata · 19/08/2025 18:47

One thing which is certain, unfortunately, is that none of this is accidental- she spun a story about having child bridesmaids and then texted you after the wedding in a guilty, manipulative way to forestall any drama from you, which clearly she was worried about.

Horrible, but at least you know and knowledge is power! You know where you stand and can consider what to do calmly. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of drama - I’d go very quiet and let her do all the running from now on.

This.

So sorry OP. You must be terribly hurt.
I'd step back from this friendship.

💐

Original poster

Mariamjam · 19/08/2025 20:24

Cucy · 19/08/2025 19:51

Obviously she couldn’t spend much time with you on her wedding day.
So I wouldn’t be annoyed about that.

But I would be really annoyed that she said she was only family as bridesmaids but wasn’t.

Its not about not being a bridesmaid, it’s about her lying/keeping things from you.

The weirdest thing about all of this though is that these friends don’t talk to you when the other friend is not around!!
What is that all about?!

I would be distancing myself from all of them.

I totally agree, it’s her choice ofc who she has but her omission was intentional and hurts.

Yep the friend group is pathetic.

OP posts:

TheTwitcher11 · 19/08/2025 20:28

CatamaranViper · 19/08/2025 19:02

Ah OP I'm in a similar situation.
My best friend since forever is getting married and hasn't asked me to be bridesmaid, she point blank won't talk about the wedding but suddenly I've been invited to her hen party by one of her other friends who keeps refering to "We've agreed" and "we are organising" so obviously she's chosen them.
I'm hurt but again, I just keep saying I understand and it's her choice. I was bridesmaid at her first wedding and that ended in disaster so I thought it might be that but the other former bridesmaid is part of this "we" group.

All I can say, is at the end of the day it's their choice. If they don't think of you to be their bridesmaid (if they are asking friends) then clearly you're not as close as you think. All you can do is pull back somewhat and nurture other relationship

You’re good cuz she would not be seeing me at that hen do 🤣🤣

Original poster

Mariamjam · 19/08/2025 20:32

CoffeeCantata · 19/08/2025 18:47

One thing which is certain, unfortunately, is that none of this is accidental- she spun a story about having child bridesmaids and then texted you after the wedding in a guilty, manipulative way to forestall any drama from you, which clearly she was worried about.

Horrible, but at least you know and knowledge is power! You know where you stand and can consider what to do calmly. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of drama - I’d go very quiet and let her do all the running from now on.

i think this may be the way forward.i don’t want to be a bay about it all but it’s upsetting

OP posts:

TurkeyTwizlers · 19/08/2025 20:35

You are clearly not like a sister.

My closest friend got married. I didn’t expect to be BM we were part of a group of 5 so it would have awkward.
Instead she ask a girl from uni she had never even mentioned in the 15 years we were friends. In the months leading up to the wedding she dumped our friendship group and instead starting doing everything with this girl, after the wedding it fizzled out.
Worst of it was we were only invited to the evening do. She hardly invited anyone friend wise but the groom had all his friends there. So odd.

Thisismyalterego · 19/08/2025 20:44

I'm so sorry OP, I know exactly how hurtful this is. My 'best' friend from infant school got remarried. Over the years she had been my bridesmaid, I had helped in a big way with her first wedding, godparents to each other's children, helped out a lot when one of her dcs was very poorly etc , I'm sure you get the picture. When she told me that the second wedding was going to be small - parents, siblings and DC if the couple only, I understood and was happy for her. She had a hen do where I found out that everyone at the hen, apart from me, was actually going to the wedding. I made it through the rest of the evening but was brokenhearted, not because I wasn't invited, but because she had lied to me. If she had been honest with me , I would have been sad, but would have taken the ' her wedding, her choice ' attitude. But to lie to me when she knew I was bound to find out was so, so hurtful. I never spoke to her again. I miss her and I miss the friendship I thought we had, but I could never have treated her the way she treated me.
OP, I am so sorry you have been hurt like this. It's not just that she didn't ask you to be bridesmaid, it's that she lied about it and now seems to be wanting to carry on as if none of it ever happened, so not acknowledging your hurt. I dropped my friend, and though I miss her, I know it was the right thing for me. 💐

Momononoyoooo · 19/08/2025 20:49

Wake up call that the friendship means something else to her. So you can either oblige and lower ypur expectations to meet hers / carry on as you have been / end the friendship and remain aquaintences.

PInkyStarfish · 19/08/2025 21:00

You’ve been Markled. The smarmy text is to make her look like a nice person but she has no intention of having you back in her fold.

Block and move on but not before you reply saying ‘Congratulations Jennifer, do you know what you’re having? A few of us noticed you were pregnant at the wedding but didn’t want to ask until you announced it!’

Hopefully she is a porker and will now think she looked fat on her wedding day. 😩

Meow!

Silverbirchleaf · 19/08/2025 21:03

Mariamjam · 19/08/2025 20:21

She had three hen dos! Which says a lot about the dynamics I guess.

I just wrote back congrats and enjoy your honeymoon and she’s sent another message about all the milestones in our friendship and how important I am. Also that she would have loved for me and dc to be in the wedding party and she wasn’t going to have any mates but asked the girls a couple of months ago as she needed support with the last details they are more available than me as I have a young child and work.

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Bridesmaids are usually decided months in advance, not last minute, if only to get outfits sorted. Also , they could assist without becoming bridesmaids, and you weren’t given the option of helping.

I agree it’s the lying by omission which is the hurtful thing. I wonder if something has been said to her ( ‘why wasn’t your best friend Miriam a bridesmaid? ) and she’s frantically backpedaling as she realised what an error she has made.

hmmnotreallysure · 19/08/2025 21:10

Ah that's shit op, no wonder you're upset. From that message, She realises she's been a crap friend and she's trying to do damage control. I guess it's up to you how much you're willing to forgive. She's made it clear that your friendship wasn't as important as theirs imo, so now you know the truth, I guess it's for you to decide how you want to move forward with it.

bumbaloo · 19/08/2025 21:13

Mariamjam · 19/08/2025 20:21

She had three hen dos! Which says a lot about the dynamics I guess.

I just wrote back congrats and enjoy your honeymoon and she’s sent another message about all the milestones in our friendship and how important I am. Also that she would have loved for me and dc to be in the wedding party and she wasn’t going to have any mates but asked the girls a couple of months ago as she needed support with the last details they are more available than me as I have a young child and work.

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She is giving you all this info yet you never actually demanded to know. Age obviously KNOWS her choice was controversial and you would be upset.
She chose to put their feelings ahead of yours in a massively public way. That tells you something.

duchessofsilk · 19/08/2025 21:14

She sent a text today ( a week later ) saying sorry she didn’t get to spend much time with me on the day and that she values our friendship so much and I’m like a sister to her.. but I’m not am I?

NO you arent, and she is clearly spinning you some BS about being like her sister because she doesnt want to lose access to you as a friend but also wants to gloss over her shitty treatment of you. It's emotional manipulation.

Actions speak louder than words so look at her actions not the BS that comes out of her mouth. Now you know what she's like I would de distancing myself far away from her and seeking better friends. You deserve much better friends.

UserX2733758 · 19/08/2025 21:24

I agree it’s the lying by omission which is the hurtful thing

It's exactly this. If she had been honest with you from the start and said - hey look, I am choosing these bridesmaids for this reason but you are very important to me and I didnt want you to interpret it that I dont care about you because I do very much, then thats absolutely fine, she can have whomever the heck she wants as a BM.

The issue is the lying about it, not telling you, and then sending you some deceitful and ridiculous lie about how it was all last minute, as if she had zero control over her own bloody wedding party. This was clearly planned well in advance and what she has done is extremely sly and under handed.

A friend once did something very similar to me (although not wedding related)- lied about something that came out later on via social media and then sent me gushing lame excuses for it saying it was an impromptu thing when it very obviously wasnt and that I was her best mate etc. I didnt trust her any more after that and you shouldn't trust this person. They're both snakes.

Odiebay · 19/08/2025 21:31

Been through similar myself for my best friend of 25 years... There's 3 of us...

I organised the whole hen and made such effort which I was happy to do. Asked if she was having bridesmaids/maid of honour got told no. Fair enough.

My surprise when my other friend was then maid of honour on the day..even travelled in the car with her whilst lying to me (and getting others to lie to me) about how she got dropped off there.

Distancing myself is the only way I have coped.

Original poster

Mariamjam · 19/08/2025 21:37

Silvertulips · 19/08/2025 18:49

I can’t fathom how she wasn’t embarrassed ? Weddings take months to plan, so she kept you out of wedding meetings, dress choices etc?

Did you not get a plus one?

I would guess she’s already fallen out with the other bridesmaids and is coming to you for …. what??

I personally would meet up and see how the land lies and tell her how sad it made you feel.

No wedding meetings but everything from the dress to bows on her shoes to seating plans and food options, venue, band etc

OP posts:

Kittiwake1 · 19/08/2025 21:37

OP, I sympathise. Similar thing happened to me about ten years ago. At uni, I lived with four girls for a couple of years and we were close… When one of them got married a few years later, she didn’t tell me she’d asked the other three to be bridesmaids (and not me). So it was a horrible shock when they all walked down the aisle before her - I really had no idea. I even travelled miles away for a whole weekend hen do (and left my baby overnight for the first time!) yet none of them told me. I knew her sister was a bridesmaid but had no idea the others were joining her.

I guess I just let the friendship fizzle out after that - I could never get over the deceit. I didn’t say anything at her wedding - I’d never spoil anyone’s day - and didn’t see the point in bringing it up as I felt stupid for not seeing it coming, if that makes sense? Felt so foolish and embarrassed, and realised they hadn’t actually been good friends to me over the years. It was a bit of an epiphany really.

However you choose to deal/live with your friend’s decision, just know it’s a reflection on her, not you. I do hope you’re able to make peace with it and remain friends though. Right now it must feel very raw but hopefully in time, the friendship will recover.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 19/08/2025 21:38

She sent a text today ( a week later ) saying sorry she didn’t get to spend much time with me on the day and that she values our friendship so much and I’m like a sister to her.

How about replying: Congratulations again! Sorry what do you mean that I’m like a sister? Are Phoebe, Katie and Suzy all like sisters too?

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 19/08/2025 21:40

Kittiwake1 · 19/08/2025 21:37

OP, I sympathise. Similar thing happened to me about ten years ago. At uni, I lived with four girls for a couple of years and we were close… When one of them got married a few years later, she didn’t tell me she’d asked the other three to be bridesmaids (and not me). So it was a horrible shock when they all walked down the aisle before her - I really had no idea. I even travelled miles away for a whole weekend hen do (and left my baby overnight for the first time!) yet none of them told me. I knew her sister was a bridesmaid but had no idea the others were joining her.

I guess I just let the friendship fizzle out after that - I could never get over the deceit. I didn’t say anything at her wedding - I’d never spoil anyone’s day - and didn’t see the point in bringing it up as I felt stupid for not seeing it coming, if that makes sense? Felt so foolish and embarrassed, and realised they hadn’t actually been good friends to me over the years. It was a bit of an epiphany really.

However you choose to deal/live with your friend’s decision, just know it’s a reflection on her, not you. I do hope you’re able to make peace with it and remain friends though. Right now it must feel very raw but hopefully in time, the friendship will recover.

I had very similar to this but with godparents at a Christening. The husband’s parents even got confused and asked me if I was one of the godparents because they knew we all sort of came as a group. Similarly friendship faded to just a Christmas card really now.

SummerHolidayMemories · 19/08/2025 21:45

Kittiwake1 · 19/08/2025 21:37

OP, I sympathise. Similar thing happened to me about ten years ago. At uni, I lived with four girls for a couple of years and we were close… When one of them got married a few years later, she didn’t tell me she’d asked the other three to be bridesmaids (and not me). So it was a horrible shock when they all walked down the aisle before her - I really had no idea. I even travelled miles away for a whole weekend hen do (and left my baby overnight for the first time!) yet none of them told me. I knew her sister was a bridesmaid but had no idea the others were joining her.

I guess I just let the friendship fizzle out after that - I could never get over the deceit. I didn’t say anything at her wedding - I’d never spoil anyone’s day - and didn’t see the point in bringing it up as I felt stupid for not seeing it coming, if that makes sense? Felt so foolish and embarrassed, and realised they hadn’t actually been good friends to me over the years. It was a bit of an epiphany really.

However you choose to deal/live with your friend’s decision, just know it’s a reflection on her, not you. I do hope you’re able to make peace with it and remain friends though. Right now it must feel very raw but hopefully in time, the friendship will recover.

You defintely have nothing to feel foolish or embarrassed about. Well done you for holding your head up high and keeping to your values on the day. There is a cruelty to their actions that says a whole heap about them and their poisoned souls and nothing about you. I really admire how you handled it.

TurkeyTwizlers · 19/08/2025 21:57

@Kittiwake1not giving you the heads up is so horrible.