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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Best friend’ wedding snub

152 replies

Mariamjam · 19/08/2025 18:18

Sorry for the essay. Best mate (since school) recently got wed and ofc talked endless about all the details including the bridesmaids who she said were all the young members of her family. Whilst I thought it would have been nice to be asked as it’s something we’ve always said we’d do, I understood and resolved that it was role for the little ones. However, on the day I ended up being blind sided as she had friends as bridesmaids too and I only realised as they walked down the aisle and were right in front of me . I have some history with these women for context, they don’t talk to me when their friend is around as we has a fall out a long time ago, however if she’s not around they are fine, (ridiculous given how old we all are). The said girls didn’t speak to me along with others in their little gang which was a bit uncomfortable but there were too many lovely people around to be too bothered. Otherwise, the wedding was beautiful but ‘best friend’ spent at max 2 minutes with me, I tried to be understanding as she was so busy. I’ve not said anything but lots have asked why I wasn’t in the wedding party and all I can say is it’s her choice. I feel so stupid , them being bridesmaids is one thing but I thought we were close enough to make sure I knew and resolved that I had put the friendship on a pedestal and she doesn’t see me the same way. She sent a text today ( a week later ) saying sorry she didn’t get to spend much time with me on the day and that she values our friendship so much and I’m like a sister to her.. but I’m not am I? It’s just got me spiralling and upset again. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:02

Kateb12 · 20/08/2025 14:25

What do you expect if you have fallen out with all her friends? People want a no drama wedding day... hard to have you in the wedding party if it will just cause tensions.

she still invited you to the day so I think she has been fair.

I fell out with one and am the opposite of what anyone would describe as dramatic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:03

Kateb12 · 20/08/2025 14:25

What do you expect if you have fallen out with all her friends? People want a no drama wedding day... hard to have you in the wedding party if it will just cause tensions.

she still invited you to the day so I think she has been fair.

I fell out with one and am the opposite of what anyone would describe as dramatic.

OP posts:
SuperTrooper1111 · 20/08/2025 15:03

She's clearly had people come up to her in the same way they did to you and ask why you weren't in the wedding party and now she's desperately backpedaling. But it's the continued lying that I wouldn't be able to get past – you don't draft bridesmaids in with a couple of months to go, they were in place all along. Which means she must have asked everyone on the hen night to keep quiet about it in front of you. That's just appalling.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2025 15:06

Notagain75 · 20/08/2025 13:58

What prompted her to text you and explain why you weren't in the wedding Party after the event? Did someone tell her that you were upset?
It's strange she didn't mention it before the wedding

Show quote history

I think it's more likely that she was asked why OP was not a bridesmaid. Probably by family, who would have known they were friends since school.

"She sent a text today ( a week later ) saying sorry she didn’t get to spend much time with me on the day and that she values our friendship so much and I’m like a sister to her.. but I’m not am I? It’s just got me spiralling and upset again. AIBU?"
It's a pity you've already responded, and far more nicely than she deserved. She'd have got 'Clearly not.' from me.

"I just wrote back congrats and enjoy your honeymoon and she’s sent another message about all the milestones in our friendship and how important I am. Also that she would have loved for me and dc to be in the wedding party and she wasn’t going to have any mates but asked the girls a couple of months ago as she needed support with the last details they are more available than me as I have a young child and work."
This deserves a 'Please stop making excuses. It's done now, and your messages are starting to make me uncomfortable.'

You've known her since school, that qualifies her as a old friend. But old friends are not necessarily good friends, nor best friends, or even friends at all. She moved away two years ago and it looks to me as if she mentally shelved all her friendships, yours along with it. So, I would take her out of the 'best friend' box and put her into the 'old friend' box and fade her from your life. All these messages she's firing off at you now are just distasteful.

FTM09q24 · 20/08/2025 15:11

I think the problem is you've fallen out with a whole group of friends so she had to pick between them and you. I understand her choice, especially as you would have been less able to help with wedding stuff.

She made her pick, she knew what she was doing, she knew it would be hurtful so she lied. And now she is trying to pre-empt any fallout with you.

She could have been a grown up and been upfront and honest from the start. The fact that she didn't tells me she is quite immature and loves drama.

I wouldn't say anything but step back from the friendship. Let her live with her drama llamas.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 20/08/2025 15:17

Drop the rope as they say. Let her message first going forward.. Be less available...
Never give her any information on your life. She doesn't deserve to know anything..
She sounds awful and you are well rid imo.

Original poster
Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:20

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/08/2025 12:41

I'd call her out on this BS face to face.

I've not replied to her message it’s so insulting ranting about being her bestie since school and family. Debating whether to have it out over a call or just dropping her. I’ll be clearer when I’m less upset.

OP posts:
lotsofpatience · 20/08/2025 15:21

She is a cunt.

paradisecircus · 20/08/2025 15:21

She's not your best friend.

Original poster
Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:24

GhuIeh · 20/08/2025 13:55

My exBF did similar to me. We'd been friends since we were children and she was bridesmaid at my wedding and godmother to my DC. When she got married five years ago she invited me to the wedding but not DH (it was a massive wedding so not a close friends only thing). She also asked all her guests for £100 each - so, £200 if you were a couple, £400 if you were a couple with two DC etc - as a 'contribution' towards the wedding costs. She has a very well paid job, so that seemed odd. There was also a link to her wedding gift list. I then received an email from her saying 'the bridesmaids' were organising her hen party abroad and if I contributed I'd be welcome to join them (DH had just been made redundant so money was non existent, as she knew). I was also told I'd need to pay a contribution to her costs for the trip as a 'pre-wedding gift'.

The bridesmaids she'd asked were all women she'd only known for a couple of years and has since lost touch with, according to mutual friends.

I didn't respond to the hen party thing and haven't heard a word from her since. After 30 years of friendship.

She's not your friend, OP, much less your best one.

Thats awful, I’m so sorry. Never heard of guests being asked to contribute to the wedding before! I’m also a bit upset that I spent a small fortune on a hotel but that was my choice I guess.

OP posts:
WickWood · 20/08/2025 15:25

I'm sorry, this must have been really hurtful. In a way its better to know now, so you can stop travelling to her!

Kateb12 · 20/08/2025 15:26

Well you said her other friends dont speak to you either when they are all together? So it sounds like they all have an issue with you?

(Don't mean to sound harsh but just being honest)

I did similar on my wedding day, I gave certain "roles" to people who get along better or cause no arguments. It doesn't mean I like them more than the other, I just knew it would be less stressful. Nothing personal as they are still my friends but if I know two people actively don't like each other and argue then I won't put them together in the wedding party.

Original poster
Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:35

I feel embarrassed even writing this as it’s so pathetic but my understanding is that the girl, let’s call her frog, I fell out with kind of runs her little gang and says if someone is dead to her they are dead to them all otherwise they are out of the friendship group. So they all don’t speak to certain people if frog is. around but are fine if she’s not, (really nice in fact). Frog wasn’t one of the bridesmaids but one of her followers was and she has been round my dd a lot over the years, my dd was confused when she just brushed past and didn’t respond to hi. Vile. Others at the wedding had requested to sit far from frog and others said they couldn’t attend if frog was there. There’s 2 sides to every story or even three but I have very good reasons for falling out with frog.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:39

SuperTrooper1111 · 20/08/2025 15:03

She's clearly had people come up to her in the same way they did to you and ask why you weren't in the wedding party and now she's desperately backpedaling. But it's the continued lying that I wouldn't be able to get past – you don't draft bridesmaids in with a couple of months to go, they were in place all along. Which means she must have asked everyone on the hen night to keep quiet about it in front of you. That's just appalling.

I wondered if this was the case. I’ve not said anything and have only spoken to a friend who hasn’t met her and sil about my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:41

lotsofpatience · 20/08/2025 15:21

She is a cunt.

Lol, agree !!

OP posts:
Someone2025 · 20/08/2025 15:48

Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:20

I've not replied to her message it’s so insulting ranting about being her bestie since school and family. Debating whether to have it out over a call or just dropping her. I’ll be clearer when I’m less upset.

Show quote history

I just wouldn’t bother responding, it doesn’t really require a response by the sounds of it……did she ask you a question in the text

ohyesido · 20/08/2025 15:50

She’s clearly not your best friend

CharlotteSometimes1 · 20/08/2025 15:51

I think I’d need to respond to the last text otherwise she’ll just sweep it under the carpet and you’ll be made out to be petty if you bring it up in the future. I’d say something like, you’re giving me mixed messages, it’s clear you didn’t want me to be part of the wedding party and whilst I understand that it was your day, it would have been easier to swallow if you’d be honest from the start.

Original poster
Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:57

Someone2025 · 20/08/2025 15:48

I just wouldn’t bother responding, it doesn’t really require a response by the sounds of it……did she ask you a question in the text

Show quote history

Nope just rattling on and on and signed off from her and her husband which I found odd too

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariamjam · 20/08/2025 15:59

CharlotteSometimes1 · 20/08/2025 15:51

I think I’d need to respond to the last text otherwise she’ll just sweep it under the carpet and you’ll be made out to be petty if you bring it up in the future. I’d say something like, you’re giving me mixed messages, it’s clear you didn’t want me to be part of the wedding party and whilst I understand that it was your day, it would have been easier to swallow if you’d be honest from the start.

She’s still on honeymoon

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 20/08/2025 16:02

She might be your best friends but you are not hers.
Shes treated you poorly by not asking you or giving a explanation/warning of who get bridesmaids were.
id step back from the friendship

IsawwhatIsaw · 20/08/2025 16:03

You aren’t her best friend, but clearly she still wants to keep you on board. She was dishonest and misled you.
I wouldn’t do anything dramatic but I’d let this fade and be spending my time and energy making new friends.

ZenNudist · 20/08/2025 16:08

I'm sorry this has happened but better you know where you stand with her. Her actions speak loudest. It's the lying I could not bear. Plus being really fake.

It would have been much better to be honest "I'm having Jessica Jennifer and Fern as BM I hope you dont mind but you've got your DS to look after and I want you to enjoy the day"

She really isn't your best friend but its up to you if you drop her. If it were me I'd not make any further drama. Don't contact her. Let her do the contacting you and see how you feel about it at the time. Don't visit Don't call Don't go out of your way to see her. I'd seriously consider a slow fade, be "busy" but friendly. An outright ghosting is also an option but awkward.

Chairings · 20/08/2025 16:12

Honestly OP, when people behave so badly, silence is your friend.
Do not have it out with her, it never ends well.
Do not respond at all.

Something very similar happened to a friend of mine. She was very hurt, but held her head high and simply never responded.

5 years later she bumped into her in the local area and she ran up and gushed that they had moved locally and their children would be going to the samd school.

My friend treated her like you would the vaguest acquaintance and blocked her when she texted her.

Absolutely no going back.
Head high and move on.

ZenNudist · 20/08/2025 16:14

My BF and chief BM was a mega bitch about my wedding. It was really upsetting to realise where I stood with someone I loved. Her behaviour told me I had been a mug thinking she was a friend. Weddings have a way of making it clear which friendships matter.