‘Best friend’ wedding snub

[Mariamjam]

Sorry for the essay. Best mate (since school) recently got wed and ofc talked endless about all the details including the bridesmaids who she said were all the young members of her family. Whilst I thought it would have been nice to be asked as it’s something we’ve always said we’d do, I understood and resolved that it was role for the little ones. However, on the day I ended up being blind sided as she had friends as bridesmaids too and I only realised as they walked down the aisle and were right in front of me . I have some history with these women for context, they don’t talk to me when their friend is around as we has a fall out a long time ago, however if she’s not around they are fine, (ridiculous given how old we all are). The said girls didn’t speak to me along with others in their little gang which was a bit uncomfortable but there were too many lovely people around to be too bothered. Otherwise, the wedding was beautiful but ‘best friend’ spent at max 2 minutes with me, I tried to be understanding as she was so busy. I’ve not said anything but lots have asked why I wasn’t in the wedding party and all I can say is it’s her choice. I feel so stupid , them being bridesmaids is one thing but I thought we were close enough to make sure I knew and resolved that I had put the friendship on a pedestal and she doesn’t see me the same way. She sent a text today ( a week later ) saying sorry she didn’t get to spend much time with me on the day and that she values our friendship so much and I’m like a sister to her.. but I’m not am I? It’s just got me spiralling and upset again. AIBU?

No, she moved two hours away a couple of years ago and has said only myself and one other make the effort to visit her. What a mug I’ve been.

I think she was wrong not to tell you beforehand because it would have not caused you so much hurt. The issue is you have fallen out with a group and from I can interpret from your post, you don’t talk with this group because of one other former friend in this group. So your bride friend as clearly out in a position of only you and none of the group or the group. She could have and should have at least included you in a reading or similar role.

bride was trying to avoid bad feelings and potential issues in her bridal party because clearly you all could not get along for any bridal events.

frankly, if this is bothering you so much, choose either to (1) take steps to talk with the girl or group to move past whatever happened so at least you can get on in one another’s company, (2) choose to ignore what you feel is a slight if you still want to be friends with the bride, or (3) end the friendship. If you choose to end the friendship, at least take the high road and tell her why, then tell her not to contact you anymore. That way you’ll not ever have another touchy situation with the girl/group you don’t speak with.

could you imagine, going forward, your bride friend would forever be out in a position to choose who to invite to gatherings, parties, christenings, birthdays etc of children to come because you don’t talk to a key group of her friends. She’s clearly been having to juggle that for a while.

This demonstrates why keeping bridesmaids to relatives is so much easier, or skip the tradition altogether. Having multiple adult bridesmaids is a recent trend started in the USA, used to be just one or perhaps two (if you had 2 sisters) then the girls under 12 or so in the extended family.

Yes, used to be one bridesmaid, whose main job was to look after the little ones!

Also, when it did it become a thing that they became the brides assistant in planning the wedding? Yes, if they are the sisters or best friends, , then wedding plans may be discussed with them, go dress shopping together, but now they have actual role/job rather than just turn up on the day.

I honestly wouldn’t reply or speak to her again.

OMG! , the bullshit in this!! I need my wellies to wade through it!

Agree with PPs saying she knows she’s cut you out of the planning, the chatter and the bridesmaiding and she’s trying to keep you sweet!

Maybe she’s fell out with the witches bridesmaids she chose, maybe you’re just more easy-going and convenient for her on a regular basis? All of it is so much crap!!

No wonder she had 3 hen parties… keeping you all apart no doubt.

Id be telling her to bugger off with a bit of home truth in her ear… or if you are nicer than me… just gently drop her. Then if she ever has the guts to broach the subject, there’s your chance to speak.

So sorry OP, what a sly & nasty way to treat you. 🌸

Yes for her to choose other friends over you clearly signals that you're NOT best mates at all. I'm sorry because that's very hurtful. At least you've realised it now. I'd back off and invest your time in other people now. I would definitely not visit her anymore.

I'd call her out on this BS face to face.

Being friends with someone “secretly” so that your other friends don’t make fun of you (or whatever else is going on here) is behaviour that should be squashed right in primary school.

An adult doing it? I would ditch her and tell her exactly why. Pathetic behaviour.

I’d be polite and avoid any more drama but I’d be making efforts to invest in new friends.

These ones aren’t worth your time.

she’s sent another message about all the milestones in our friendship and how important I am. Also that she would have loved for me and dc to be in the wedding party and she wasn’t going to have any mates but asked the girls a couple of months ago as she needed support with the last details they are more available than me as I have a young child and work

Yeah, she probably said that because she’s been asked by many guests why you weren’t her bridesmaid and she needs to cover herself.

Take a huge step back from her, OP.

So she knows fine well that she’s hurt you with that message.

... she would have loved for me and dc to be in the wedding party and she wasn’t going to have any mates but asked the girls a couple of months ago as she needed support with the last details they are more available ...
This is a big fat lie!

Sorry OP, she's just not a good friend to you.
Of course she was busy on her wedding day and of course she can pick who she wants as bridesmaids. But the lying about it all is what would upset me the most.

I think I could just about forgive being left out of the wedding party but the subsequent messages about how much she valued your friendship would finish things for me.

I had a so-called best friend of forty years who was often dazzled by new shiny friends. She'd tell the world I was her best friend, she loved me etc.. I helped and supported her through many crises, we shared holidays and despite a previous gap of several years when she completely dropped me, we were very close.

She re-married a few years ago and the invitations said there was no need to dress up, we want you to be comfortable. Well that's a difficult one be to navigate! She knows I'm not a dressy person, so she encouraged me to wear my jeans and be comfy. I asked countless times what were her friends, colleagues, family wearing (it was a smallish wedding so she chatted with everyone about the day), and she repeatedly told me nobody was dressing up, nobody.

Oh you're ahead of me...yes I arrived to a sea of stilettos, cocktail dresses and fascinators!! I looked like Mum's been to Asda. Totally stitched up!

After the wedding I barely heard from her again, even when she knew my DH was very ill, twice ("ooh I love that man"). I had a ridiculous message about eight months after the wedding wondering why she hadn't heard from me. I politely wished her well but said I was too old to chase friendships when she'd clearly moved on.

Actions really do speak louder than words and text messages.

Who asks people to be bridesmaids because they need help with the wedding? Is that a thing? Surely the wedding planning is done by the couple getting married?

Absolute bullshit op, she clearly knows she’s upset you and is trying to dig her way out of it. I’d send her a message telling her that she has upset you deeply and that you’ll be stepping back from the friendship. Then block.

It sounds like a lot of people have been asking why you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid (probably the same people who asked you and were told it was the bride's choice), and she isn't enjoying looking like a bitch. Shame.

The fact she is now messaging you with "excuses" means she knows she has done wrong.

Lied to you
Hidden things from you
Chosen other people over you
Made up excuses about your work and child on your behalf thus treating you like an infant.

Honestly I would just text back something very brief to say.

"Im disappointed that you arrived at all of those conclusions without discussing them with me. I've realised that our friendship isnt on the same level. I do wish you well in your married life.

Then just ghost her.

She should have raised it with you well before the wedding - if you were best friends she would have known you might be upset. Instead she tried to get away with it, knowing you were unlikely to make a fuss about it on the big day. The bare faced cheek of her follow up messages!! She knew exactly what she was doing and she did get away with it. I wouldn’t have replied, but since you have already done so you might think about raising it with her face to face at a time of your choosing (take her by surprise). She at least should have to face you and feel some discomfort for her shoddy behaviour.

My exBF did similar to me. We'd been friends since we were children and she was bridesmaid at my wedding and godmother to my DC. When she got married five years ago she invited me to the wedding but not DH (it was a massive wedding so not a close friends only thing). She also asked all her guests for £100 each - so, £200 if you were a couple, £400 if you were a couple with two DC etc - as a 'contribution' towards the wedding costs. She has a very well paid job, so that seemed odd. There was also a link to her wedding gift list. I then received an email from her saying 'the bridesmaids' were organising her hen party abroad and if I contributed I'd be welcome to join them (DH had just been made redundant so money was non existent, as she knew). I was also told I'd need to pay a contribution to her costs for the trip as a 'pre-wedding gift'.

The bridesmaids she'd asked were all women she'd only known for a couple of years and has since lost touch with, according to mutual friends.

I didn't respond to the hen party thing and haven't heard a word from her since. After 30 years of friendship.

She's not your friend, OP, much less your best one.

What prompted her to text you and explain why you weren't in the wedding Party after the event? Did someone tell her that you were upset?
It's strange she didn't mention it before the wedding

Friend since school asked someone she’d known a couple of years to be a witness at her (first) wedding. Thinking about it she’s been making sly digs at me for years. I’m beginning a slow fade with yellow rock x

Did she make an effort to visit you during this time

What do you expect if you have fallen out with all her friends? People want a no drama wedding day... hard to have you in the wedding party if it will just cause tensions.

she still invited you to the day so I think she has been fair.

Wow. She could've had a conversation with you, rather than lie that her bridesmaids were only young family members. She sounds spineless. I'd keep at arms length moving forward and reply to the text saying 'no worries, hope you had a fab day'. Don't ask questions, dont ask about the honeymoon, dont indulge her and thus beg for her friendship. You know where you stand.

"No worries. Enjoy your honeymoon". Then never message her again. Don't give her an excuse to say you were the reason you fell out.