Am I just going to look like shit forever now?

[Bigbluemoon]

AIBU to wonder if this is normal?

I had my first and only DC nearly 2 years ago at 32. I look at pictures of myself pre-baby and wonder who the person looking at me in the mirror is.

I've done everything a person is meant to do - I lost the baby weight and am back to the same size I was pre baby (5"5, 10.5st, size 12/14), continued decent skin care, try to look after my hair and nails, I try and take good care of myself but... I just look like utter shit. I look wan, lifeless, colourless, frumpy... and I just hate looking at myself in the mirror.

Ive never been particularly attractive but I could always make myself look pulled together, but now its nigh on impossible. I was bridesmaid at a wedding recently and I look absolutely horrific in the photos, to the point where I can't look at them.

Im trying not to care. Beauty hasn't ever been important to me because I very much have never been attractive, but I've never hated myself this much. My skin looks grey, greasy, dry and dull, my hair feels so thin and breaks so easily, my stomach is disgusting even throughclothes, my nails are all ridged... even my teeth look bloody weird.

Is this just how I look now? Do some people just go on a rapid decline after a few sleep deprived years and never get 'it' back? I considered some botox but I feel like its just a sticking plaster for a system-wide problem that I can't fix.

With kindness, how much of this do you think might be perception of yourself rather than reality?

Are you happy/content in other areas of your life?

I had two terrible sleepers so about 6 years of bad sleep. I looked better at 42 than at 35!

No advice but I feel you and following for advice with interest! I’m a bit older than you with a 3 year old and I genuinely look back at photos of me pre baby in astonishment. I wish to god I’d appreciated it more at the time! I literally look like death every day even though I get a decent amount of sleep and I’ve got a relatively easy going toddler by many standards. I guess we might look back in another 5 years and wish we were more grateful for how we look now?!! Gah

It’s lack of sleep. Honestly, it just drains the colour out of you.

Take vitamin supplements, buy good foundation, but that’ll just mask it until you start getting a solid 8 hours sleep routinely and recover.

The frumpy comment - have you changed the way you dress to being what you think a mum of a toddler should look like?

I felt this way 6 months ago & I'm turning it around at the moment. Got bloods done, went on a really good multi-vitamin & omega complex, and got a personal trainer. Lifting weights 3x a week now, aiming for 120g of protein, and walking at least 12k steps a day. It does sicken me I have to do all of this when I used to look twice as good on a takeaway diet, but needs must.

I also popped a picture into ChatGPT and asked for my colour season, make-up recommendations, hair recommendations, asked it to class my shape and for style recommendations.

Oh and toddler years are tough! It’s a full on job looking after one. It’s constant and they will spend all day trying to find new entertaining ways to nearly kill themselves. You can’t rest in the day when you’ve got them with you. It does get easier and you lose that “constant alert for danger” look.

Oof. I recognise this. Having a baby aged me so badly… I feel like the whole of my 30s caught up with me overnight.

If it’s any consolation, people are constantly telling me I look great and glowing and healthy and well. So maybe it’s just me. But first thing Teams calls are a brutal experience these days!

You will improve as your child(ren) get older. Most people with small kids look shit. It’s the physical tiredness and lack of sleep mostly.

No advice but i'm right there with you. Number 2 on the way so it'll be a few more years until I find out if I can get somewhat back to where I used to be!!

Thanks for these ideas, and I'm glad it's working for you. Could you give any advice about how to get that much protein in? I'm struggling to reach even 80g a day!

I came here to say the same thing! Years of no sleep, breastfeeding and running ragged after little ones had me looking rough for years. I’m 42 now and honestly think I look better for it. Kids are now teenagers x

Multivitamin; iron tablets; plant collagen; masses of water; Skin & Me routine; Shark LED mask; earlier nights; more protein and greens; 10k steps a day using a walking app; K18 molecular hair repair.

Honestly OP I just had to start being selfish about me. I was in the same boat. The changes had been gradual but so worth it.

You're in a slump and you can get back your va va voom, though having a two yr old doesn't promote that.

You've lost the weight - fab!
Now get back on that road to having some fun and laughs, and as much as you can, making an effort in how you dress and put yourself together. Don't be too practical in doing so - practicality is the thief of va va voom

I had ds at 33 and looked like shit for the first year.I looked myself again eventually though.

Having a child destroys you. Sorry but it's true, they are the most wonderful parasite in the world 😂

Between hormones during pregnancy, after, breastfeeding if you do, lack of sleep and self care and fuck knows what else your body and mind get a total beating. It takes a while to come back.

I was never pretty, but I looked alright, I go though pictures now when I had 2 under 2 and my hair was lank and receding due to loss, had bags and deep creases under my eyes, at one point 5 years into consistent breastfeeding I could fold my tits in half they were so floppy.

They're 6 and 8 now and I'm starting to look a bit more like myself again. Sleep is still a problem in this house so I do look forever tired but the hair is back in good condition, my breasts are filling out again after a couple years of finishing bf and I have time to look after myself again.

It sounds very much like you could have nutritional deficiencies. Ridges on the nails, for example, can indicate a zinc deficiency. Dull skin and breaking hair can be due to deficiencies in B vitamins and protein. Looking wan could be anemia.
How has your diet been? Do you take any supplements? Having a baby can deplete you of a lot of nutrients, and if it does then going on a diet to lose the baby weight will only make it worse.

The belly problem is likely to be partly loose skin from pregnancy but mostly a slackening of the muscles after having a baby. You'll have to work out if you want to tighten it up, but first you need to get adequate nutrition to have the energy to do that.

I feel like this too. I think it's the lack of sleep. DD slept through the night for the first time just after she turned two. Before that we'd co-slept, horribly, for months and before that we were up together every two hours. It was horrible.
For the last six months, sleep has been better, but still I go to bed at 10pm so that I have some small bit of evening to myself, and be up with her by 5am. It is exhausting and I look exhausted. But things are getting better and as our children get older, I have to believe that we'll get our sparkle back a bit too! Hang in there, OP xx

Sleep, fresh air and exercise , my friend. Be kind to yourself. X

Daily vitamins, lots of water, add a glow serum to your skincare and buy some new make up

I feel you.

It’s a very long process. I looked like utter shit for about 8 years when the kids were little and I was feeding them. I didn’t get a lot of sleep either. The photos from this era I can’t even look at.

I promise it gets better, I promise. Just keep doing what you are. You are doing an amazing job.

Fake tan helps a lot!!

Get a protein shake product. I have one every morning. They make vegan ones if you're not a meat eater.
The shakes are expensive and almost all of them have sugar in them, so I mix an affordable pumpkin seed protein with a high protein milk substitute made from chickpeas. It gives me close to 30 grams.
However, 120 grams could be way too much for your body weight and too much protein can actually cause health problems. To build muscle you shouldn't need more than a gram per kg of body weight a day. Only athletes need more than that.

I'd strongly encourage you to get blood tests for vitamin and thyroid deficiencies because that doesn't sound normal to me and deficiencies could account for all of that.

We have a tendency to treat these issues as beauty or vanity issues but they can be symptoms of actual health issues.

Its weirdly reassuring knowing im not the only poor sod experiencing this!

I actually assumed i had a deficiency so I got my bloods done and everything was fine - iron on the lower side so im taking supplements. I think its mostly the lack of sleep.

I do think my style probably needs a rethink, too. Ive never really paid much attention to what I wear and I wear kind of timeless clothes (lots of decent black and white items) but I dont know if they're working for me anymore. I might do the chatgpt thing and invest in some new stuff.

I definitely could do with some exercise but honestly, I can't bring myself to do more than I am. Im bloody exhausted working FT and looking after my little non sleeper. I swim a couple of times per week (pool close to my work so I go at lunch) and I run 5k when I can find the time and energy but thats all I've got in the tank. I find weights really painful (I know some people like that muscle ache you get after working out but I HATE it). Nutrition-wise im okay but not great - I try to eat 30.different plants a week but I bloody love crisps and bread, so its a balance. I do intermittent fasting 7 days a week usually (will pause if unwell or on period or something) so I do try and look after myself, but I am fully aware I could do.more.

In terms of supplements could anyone recommend anything vegetarian friendly that can support hair, skin and nails? Ive heard plant collagen isnt any good but would love some more info

Treat yourself to a spray tan and get your hair and nails done! Time for a glow up!!!

Thank you so.much my love but believe me, my colouring looks insane with a fake tan - or even a real tan! It just does not suit me. Ive had my hair done and I do.my own nails due to a UV allergy (I miss having fresh gels SO much) but I still look like a big sack of bin juice 😅