Am I just going to look like shit forever now?

[Bigbluemoon]

AIBU to wonder if this is normal?

I had my first and only DC nearly 2 years ago at 32. I look at pictures of myself pre-baby and wonder who the person looking at me in the mirror is.

I've done everything a person is meant to do - I lost the baby weight and am back to the same size I was pre baby (5"5, 10.5st, size 12/14), continued decent skin care, try to look after my hair and nails, I try and take good care of myself but... I just look like utter shit. I look wan, lifeless, colourless, frumpy... and I just hate looking at myself in the mirror.

Ive never been particularly attractive but I could always make myself look pulled together, but now its nigh on impossible. I was bridesmaid at a wedding recently and I look absolutely horrific in the photos, to the point where I can't look at them.

Im trying not to care. Beauty hasn't ever been important to me because I very much have never been attractive, but I've never hated myself this much. My skin looks grey, greasy, dry and dull, my hair feels so thin and breaks so easily, my stomach is disgusting even throughclothes, my nails are all ridged... even my teeth look bloody weird.

Is this just how I look now? Do some people just go on a rapid decline after a few sleep deprived years and never get 'it' back? I considered some botox but I feel like its just a sticking plaster for a system-wide problem that I can't fix.

Damn, love the thought of a bit of bin juice 😂

You are doing so much better than you think you are. Took me a decade to get back in the gym.

Go to John Lewis for a personal shop. It’s free, you don’t have to buy anything and it’s just a nice way to spend an hour or two.

Oh and shopping = steps!

It’s so difficult when you are so tired! And you are working FT!

It is very difficult to focus on you until DC starts school at least. You’ll get some bits in but it will wear off too quickly!

Echoing other posters, supplements - Vitamin D in winter especially and also some weekends away from DC. Either with some girl friends or with your partner if you can access the childcare.

Raising a child is relentless, you need a break.

Thank you! I mean, I dont see myself in a gym for at least another ten years tbh 😅 so you're doing better than me.

I am pretty active and walk around 15k steps a day but I think that, as thats been my baseline for years (didnt learn to drive until I was 30!) it doesn't really help me with fitness - which is good but shit!

Good idea on the JL shop. I do really struggle with clothes as im just into basics and wonder if my drab clothes are making me feel worse? I really dont know what suits me.

Don't be so hard on yourself! 'Absolutely horrific' can be a look of sorts.

I wouldn't do fasting on top of sleep deprivation! Be kind to yourself.

What did you actually get tested for? NHS test for very few things so you may still have deficiencies, as PP said the ridged nails are a big sign.

Well done on that weight loss that's brilliant 👏🏻 You're doing amazingly and you should feel proud of yourself and your health is obviously more fragile after children, so you have done really well to get the weight off in spite of this.

I agree with others about the early years with young children. I had my eldest DD at 29, then my youngest aged 39... I think I've never really recovered lol 😆 😂

Seriously though, I lost the weight through a low carb diet with my son during my second pregnancy, but since perimenopause, I am really struggling. It is hard, and others are right, being a mum to young kids can make you look washed out etc but it does get better with a good diet and more sleep etc. Just make sure you prioritise yourself occasionally more (I know, easier said than done!) These things will pass, and you will be ok.

I definitely looked shit for a few years after giving birth on both of my children.
It takes 3 years, IME to bounce back fully, my hair and skin was shit.
Try a pro biotic vitamin it'll help boost your skin and mood.
Don't worry so much. 🥰

I look back at photos when my kids were little and am always struck with how tired I look and how frumpy my clothes were. I think I went big on practicality and ease and also had limited time and places to shop. I also seemed to wear a lot of dull colours (maybe they hid stains better?) It’s only the last couple of years when I’ve started to wear nicer, brighter things. Dopamine dressing.

letstalkaboutjam
what vitamins do you take please.

My skin looks grey, greasy, dry and dull, my hair feels so thin and breaks so easily

Could you be low in iron or have thyroid issues, these could be symptoms, I would go and get your bloods checked

I was low in Iron and vit D a few years ago ( discovered during a blood test) and I also had some of your symptoms, I took Iron for six months continuously ( still take it a couple of times a week) and the colour came back to my face and I was less tired looking

The things that helped me - apart from sleep was
I always wore lipstick
bright hair
nice coloured tops
seeing friends
Good skin care.

also the phrase- this too shall pass!

They just did a generic NHS blood panel - to be honest I now realise I can't remember what was on the form! They are useless though, I had zinc deficiency in pregnancy and they missed it and said my bloods were normal. Sorry if this sounds stupid, but will they test for general stuff like this when youre not mega ill, just feeling a bit shite?

Sounds like issues to fix from the inside out to me, as all of those things are signs of less than optimum health, not some mystical decent into hideousness in the space of two years. I know it's hard with a toddler, but it's the holy trinity you need. Excellent nutrition, lots of outdoor excercise and plenty of sleep. If you can't manage the last one, then two out of three ain't bad as they say. Vit B and D supplements help too.

Uk lash eyebrow & lash serum, tinted spf daily, vitamins and take 1 spatone a day!

Outside and inside work needed to get your pink back. Go on TikTok and follow the Shelbyann viral drugstore makeup routine the main thing to take from it is lots of skin prep before makeup. Start exercising as this will give you a boost mentally and physically and start doing things that give you joy. Get a face tan mist (in a spray tin) garnier do a good one. Go out once a week to meet some girls to laugh without the kids with or without wine up to you, but just meeting them will boost you up.
Consider hair extensions or get a casting crème gloss (L’Oréal) in a colour a bit lighter than yours so your hair doesn’t go to dark to give it some texture
buy a home kit to diy dye your eyebrows (eyelure dye brow is good)
go get nails done (French manicure gels) and an Elemis facial (budget permitting)
use a body lotion everyday and use your perfume

head to a store and try on some clothes so you end up with some you really like

good luck xxxx

Just solidarity from me, and if it helps, I can guarantee you look better than I do! My eldest is about to turn 10, and I still haven't really lost that baby weight, let alone the others. My teeth also shifted during pregnancy, and look worse than before I had braces as a teenager. I'm really interested in the advice about nutrient deficiencies on this thread, I do take a multivitamin on and off but maybe I should do so more, as my hair is falling out really badly, I had assumed it was a perimenopause thing.

Best of luck OP, if anything works well let us know.

Really interesting how often people are saying that me time will help - i realistically get 0 of this outside of my lunchtimes when im working. Will that really make a difference?

I kind of get it - as I said in OP, I've never been pretty or even attractive, but I was at least semi- put together pre-baby. Is the main difference really rest, time and (selfish) joy? Obviously my little one brings me joy but its the exhausted kind. All my friends are in the same trenches atm so time with them is basically off the cards unless the kids come and its a trip to the park or beach! But its food for thought.

‘A sticking-plaster for a system wide problem’

😂😂 sorry it’s serious but you made me laugh ❤️

Try tretinoin for your skin, works wonders. Drink loads of water. x

When you say bloods done - was this through the NHS or private? What did you ask for?

Am I right tho 😅

I’m 100% sure you don’t look like a big bag of bin juice!!

I know you said you have good skincare, but just wondering what this entails? My skin is definitely far better in my 40s than it ever was in my 30s, but I’m now very well informed about different ingredients/actives and use prescription grade retinol and SPF 50 daily as a minimum (but usually a 6 step routine). (Botox has also been a great option for me).Weight training has transformed my body and mind, however I appreciate that when you’re deep in the trenches of those early years, finding the time, energy or inclination to train is really hard. The last thing I’d suggest is not to just give yourself over to the full on “mum” look… try and stay current with your wardrobe, there’s loads of ways of doing this which fit with your natural style, and also work well when dealing with young kids.
Good luck in finding yourself again

This is very good advice. You most likely won't need to make major adjustments.

Buy clothes to flatter the body you have (not the one you want to have). Make sure your diet is optimal, no junk or sugary snacks and loads of water. If you are a vegetarian make sure you are getting enough protein and not lacking in any key nutrient or mineral. Ask a stylist to recommend a good cut and hair products to use. Ask a dentist what can be done about your teeth, hold yourself upright and smile. Ask for a make up consultation to find products that suit you.
And remember - you are worth all of this.

Can you access your GP records online to see what they tested you for?

They don't routinely test for everything, no. It depends how good your GP is whether they will do thyroid and all the vitamin tests if you ask. You can actually do these tests yourself, order online from Boots etc

I'm just concerned all these posts are like go get a spray tan, new wardrobe, fake brows etc when you might have an actual health problem. Rule that out first.

I get it. Felt the same. Found I needed a full 12 months of good sleep and no bf to look like myself again. Also, even though I returned to my previous weight and eventually fitness, my shape was different. Bum smaller, tummy bigger (despite good core muscles and closed diastasis), bust bigger. So if you don’t like how your tummy looks even in clothes, it might not be anything ‘wrong’ with your tummy - maybe it’s that your clothes are for your previous figure? My new figure wasn’t truly worse, but it was different enough to need some different clothes.

Now if anyone can give me similar reassurance from the other side of premature menopause and tell me this gets better too after x time on hrt, I’d be grateful 😂

In my own experience, you’re not wrong 🤷‍♀️😂 🩹