Am I just going to look like shit forever now?

[Bigbluemoon]

AIBU to wonder if this is normal?

I had my first and only DC nearly 2 years ago at 32. I look at pictures of myself pre-baby and wonder who the person looking at me in the mirror is.

I've done everything a person is meant to do - I lost the baby weight and am back to the same size I was pre baby (5"5, 10.5st, size 12/14), continued decent skin care, try to look after my hair and nails, I try and take good care of myself but... I just look like utter shit. I look wan, lifeless, colourless, frumpy... and I just hate looking at myself in the mirror.

Ive never been particularly attractive but I could always make myself look pulled together, but now its nigh on impossible. I was bridesmaid at a wedding recently and I look absolutely horrific in the photos, to the point where I can't look at them.

Im trying not to care. Beauty hasn't ever been important to me because I very much have never been attractive, but I've never hated myself this much. My skin looks grey, greasy, dry and dull, my hair feels so thin and breaks so easily, my stomach is disgusting even throughclothes, my nails are all ridged... even my teeth look bloody weird.

Is this just how I look now? Do some people just go on a rapid decline after a few sleep deprived years and never get 'it' back? I considered some botox but I feel like its just a sticking plaster for a system-wide problem that I can't fix.

Do you have a partner who can take over for the weekend? If not are your parents available to help?

It is really important to have those weekends and to prioritise to have at least one weekend off/two nights in a row a year. The first one feels like a month.

Autumn and winter UK breaks can be made really affordable.

A wonderful friend of mine used to go to a local travelodge for a full nights sleep when she had little ones! Just a different sense of sleep!

Or a group of friends booked an Airbnb in the next town as some of those had really little ones and they wanted to be near just in case! But laughing and sleep was the most important thing.

If you don't have the NHS app, download that and see what you've been tested for and the results.

What is your ferritin, for example? The NHS minimum is very low. And if you were deficient in Zinc are you still supplementing with a decent product? Low zinc affects hair, skin condition and greasiness, along with a lot else.

just a tip, I was also looking really pale and washed out so I stopped wearing foundation as I thought it made me look worse, instead I wear a bit of cream bronzer all over my face to give me a bit of colour as well as blusher and only use a tiny bit of concealer to cover some blemishes but sometimes I don’t even bother with concealer as covering all blemishes takes colour and character from your face……I swear I look a lot healthier and alive looking

@Bigbluemoon I saved this post by @SpidersAreShitheads from 2024, have a wee read, it's inspiring.

sleep and nutrients, get their father to help you prioritize these and see how you go. Buy new bras. Do get Botox

Your body has been through so much and it does take time for the hormones and chemicals to balance back out.

Im bloody exhausted

Sleep is how our body restores itself and its one of the best things you can do.

Its difficult with a young child but going to bed early can make a big difference.

Then eat healthy, take a multivitamin and walk out in the fresh air when you can.

Chances are you don’t look as bad as you think, it’s just not what you’re used to.

For now, have a hair cut that makes your hair look thicker, buy some flattering clothes, paint your nails etc

Yeah, plant collagen is not actually collagen, which does not exist in plants. It's only things which help support building collagen. So if you're vegetarian you are out of luck as far as collagen supplementation goes, unless you eat fish as some vegetarians do. There is fish collagen available.

Blood tests usually only tell you about certain key vitamins and minerals, so you could certainly be deficient in others. Nor do they usually they tell you if you're getting enough protein. Not unless you're talking about something very specialized, that is. So I would try one of those all in one shakes that delivers protein as well as vitamins and minerals and also some fish collagen if you can have that.

I hear you on lack of sleep and being exhausted from FT work and parenting. It sucks.

I look better now at 44 than I did at 34 when I had 2 little ones. Well done on losing the weight! I find tinted body lotion such as garnier summer body great for giving my skin a little glow. Go get your nails done and maybe eyebrows & eyelash tint? Not expensive and always gives me a lift x

Botox at age 34?

I didn't know you could do this?! What did it say?

Just saying I am with you OP! But I had my baby at 40. It was my second pregnancy (first was a miscarriage), and going through it twice took a huge toll on me. Unfortunately for me too, my weight is now sitting at least 8 kilos heavier than what I would prefer.

I maintain the basics - cover the greys and keep my eyebrows. I try to dress nicely and keep up with a good diet and exercise. Hopefully one day a more youthful look will hit me but I fear it is well in the review mirror.

I also look like absolute garbage. My legs look like someone has poured scrambled egg into a pair of skin coloured tights 😂 One thing that has made me feel so much better though is I booked a personal stylist appointment at John Lewis. It’s completely free with no obligation to buy, and this genius woman picked out clothes for me that I would never have chosen for myself, but they honestly looked great! Your body has changed and you’ve got a different relationship with it now. Also mum life requires a shift in focus and fashions change quickly. I’m actually going on another one of these tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it - blobby egg legs and all!

Neither did I!!

this is the post from 2024 to which I was referring @Bigbluemoon

SpidersAreShitheads · 24/06/2024 16:53

Have you ever watched the birds in springtime?
When they're building their nests their feathers are full, glossy, and their colours are bright. By the time their fledglings have left the nest, their plumage is drab, feathers are missing, and they just look as if they've flown through the proverbial hedge backwards.

Every time I see the knackered-looking blue tit fly past my kitchen window I think " I remember that feeling."
You might think you're getting good sleep but you may not be sleeping as deeply as before. Looking after a toddler is EXHAUSTING. There's no "off" switch.

You're always ready to spring into action. It's not just about the physicality of it, it's the mental drain too. That's why so much is written about the need for self-care - which many of us just laugh hollowly at.

Don't underestimate what it takes from you to raise a child. How much of yourself you are giving, perhaps without even realising it.
And of course, there's pregnancy.

We're so fucking obsessed with weight as a society that all the focus is on whether a woman "snaps back" to her pre-pregnancy weight (I'm looking at you Joe fucking Wicks).

But what we don't talk about is the long-term changes to your skin. Not just your belly. But all over. How the swinging hormones take their toll. How your hair changes after childbirth. Mine took two full years to feel even vaguely normal. How your shape can change - irrespective of weight.

Your body has grown and carried an actual human being. It's incredible when you really think about it. We focus on what we see on the outside, but stopping to consider about what happens internally really puts it all into perspective. The enormous changes a female body has to go through to become pregnant and to sustain a life can't be overstated. Hormone levels go through the roof, and then they plummet. You might end up with a new baseline "normal".

Pregnancy and childbirth isn't just about avoiding stretch marks and losing "baby weight". I found it changed my body irrevocably - some positive effects actually, my migraines almost vanished and my hair is WAY thicker than it was before. But many negatives - my upper abdomen sticks out (I carried twins), my skin is crepey, and my menstrual cycle is different.

At 18 months you're still in the midst of it. Some things will improve. Also, I'm absolutely certain you don't look as terrible as you feel 💐

I did it and it was useless 🤣 apologies to the PP but it suggested hairstyles that would work for someone with 10x my amount of hair, and basically muumuu style clothes to help me skim my belly.

Thank you for all the advice. Ive decided to look at qhat I can immediately control and have booked into my hairdresser next week.

I can't really justify the cost of botox right now whilst we have an insane nursery bill and mortgage to pay (£300 an area every six months is just way too big a commitment right now!) But i am going to have a really good clothing clear out today and try to work out what looks good on me.

A sticking point is downtime. We realistically have no childcare support so weekends away with my husband are just a no go, and all of my friends are in the same boat so no girly weekends - however im good with that, kids are only little for a short period of time and I can make do with day dates while my little one is in nursery and im on AL.

Im going to investigate my bloods - someone mentioned that more bloods can be done at boots, is this true?

In ten years you’ll see how great you look now.

What a gorgeous post, thank you.

I am actually firmly against diet talk and the idea of 'springing' back - for me, the weight loss was actually an unhealthy byproduct of severe PND, but I mentioned it because I knew a lot of people would mention sorting it out as a priority. I think you can look fab at any weight, and for me personally I have photos of 2 weeks PP where im a good 1.5 stone heavier but I look fantastic!

Thank you again for your kind words. Im going to keep an eye out for knackered blue tits!

I went through this stage at 63 OP, I looked and felt like a frumpy, fat old lady then suddenly thought fuck this!!!
I started watching you tube videos on style and clothing, lost 5 stone, started pilates and weight training and Im off to Lithuania in March for a face lift.
I look and feel so much better now and everyone says Im looking amazing.
You can do it! You have youth on your side.

I was looking at old photos with my eldest now 23 years. He commented where there were photos of me when my kids were young “you look absolutely exhausted mum”!!! I did, my hair was like straw and I look younger but so tired.
As the kids grew I was able to exercise more, spend time with my friends, eat and drink more regularly, uninterrupted sleep as not keeping an ear open all night . I definitely look older now but I feel better so feel better about myself. I also stopped wearing black, my older skin couldn’t carry it off without a lot of makeup so were more white and navy now. I’m sure what you feel is temporary as looking after very young children is very tiring

It took me a long time to stop looking unwell. And I'll admit I did have to step the self care up a little but I was 36 when I had my first so was battling being older also. It's maternal depletion. How is your diet?

As everyone says, it’s the sleep deprivation. I look better at 38 than at 32. Botox, exercise, skin care, plenty of sleep and having the time to actually go out without your kids. You’ll get there OP.

That is the best use of AI I have heard of - ever. Thanks for the suggestion.

Another one who would avoid intermittent fasting. It stresses the body and a bit of that is good, but combined with lack of sleep might just be too much.

I'd focus on eating as much variety of veg as possible tbh from a good pov and a good multivitamin. (Plus iron) And avoid UPF

Sounds like you do plenty of exercise.

A critical look at your clothes. If you haven't bought any for a while, then they could be washed out and misshapen. They suited you once, but not now a few years of the washing machine, pulling hands and a changing body shape takes its toll.

Perhaps it's less about pushing yourself to do more, but giving yourself the space to just be at this point. And that's enough. Self-improvement can happen in a couple of years. Take the pressure off. This is just a season of life.

a couple of things, make sure you are drinking enough water. It makes a significant difference.

Take a really good quality magnesium at night when you brush your teeth.

before you do anything about clothes treat yourself to getting your colours done. Wearing the right colours makes a massive difference and makes shopping for clothes a lot easier.

You are doing loads. Well done! Just take a minute to realise that. Working full time as a mother of a non sleeper, fitting a swim into your lunch break and doing the odd run? I’m amazed.
Are you able to do shifts with sleep? DH and I would take turns to sleep downstairs and get a full night of sleep. I used to feel like a new woman.