Am I just going to look like shit forever now?

[Bigbluemoon]

AIBU to wonder if this is normal?

I had my first and only DC nearly 2 years ago at 32. I look at pictures of myself pre-baby and wonder who the person looking at me in the mirror is.

I've done everything a person is meant to do - I lost the baby weight and am back to the same size I was pre baby (5"5, 10.5st, size 12/14), continued decent skin care, try to look after my hair and nails, I try and take good care of myself but... I just look like utter shit. I look wan, lifeless, colourless, frumpy... and I just hate looking at myself in the mirror.

Ive never been particularly attractive but I could always make myself look pulled together, but now its nigh on impossible. I was bridesmaid at a wedding recently and I look absolutely horrific in the photos, to the point where I can't look at them.

Im trying not to care. Beauty hasn't ever been important to me because I very much have never been attractive, but I've never hated myself this much. My skin looks grey, greasy, dry and dull, my hair feels so thin and breaks so easily, my stomach is disgusting even throughclothes, my nails are all ridged... even my teeth look bloody weird.

Is this just how I look now? Do some people just go on a rapid decline after a few sleep deprived years and never get 'it' back? I considered some botox but I feel like its just a sticking plaster for a system-wide problem that I can't fix.

Agree

I think it's a mum of small children thing. I'm trying to maintain like you, then when kids get older and I can get more sleep/rest I hope to bounce back.

I’m here to promise you it isn’t permanent. I volunteered at a holiday club so saw toddler mums come back every year. Then their youngest DC would age out of my club and I’d see them around the event looking ten years younger- bright eyes, spring in their step, smiling…

Toddler years are demanding, low sleep, low personal space, every day a challenge and a grind, and all done with a body that has had massive health challenges in the form of pregnancy and labour and breast feeding. Often, just as you start to recover you go for another one!

Recovery takes a while. But it comes.

You've all been mega kind, thank you! Just re IF - I dont do anything drastic, I just fast from 8pm-12noon, so I eat plenty and I drink tons of water.

To the PP who said about getting my colours done - what does this mean and how would I do this?!

Have you put your blood test results into chat gtp for suggestions on what else could do with boosting? Some of the bloods might have come back as ‘normal’ but in my experience the NHS aims for alive rather than optimum.

What is your colouring? Hair , eyes, skin?

Oh I can identify with this. It took me 10 years to really hit my stride again. Not very practical advice but please be kind to yourself, having children and being a mum is hard in so many ways that I hadn’t appreciated beforehand.

I so recognise this feeling. I've got an almost 3 year old and it's ridiculous how utterly shit I looked when I had him. I was 36 when he was born. I'm 39 now and still have days where the haggard vampire looks back at me in the mirror 😂 due to health issues I started taking lots of different vitamins and minerals and honestly they've made me feel so much better in myself. I'm only just starting to look a bit more human, the suntan helps massively 😅

@BigbluemoonI’ve not read through other’s comments, but I’ll just address some of your practical issues, quick fixes to help you feel a bit better about yourself. Most suggestions can be found on Amazon:

Foundation wear or corsets are a game changer for the mummy tummy. They smooth everything out and give you a lovely silhouette.

A very quick fix for dull grey skin is exfoliation. It works like magic! I just use cheap and cheerful St Ives.

For the nail ridges, again, a very quick fix. A 4 sided nail buffing block. They also work like magic, and are £2.85 on Amazon. (They were 50p in Wilkinson’s not so long back!) The buffer side shines your nails to the point it looks like you are wearing clear polish.

I believe it’s a colour analysis to understand which colours suit your skin tone.

In person it’s done by draping different coloured clothes under your face to see which tones are better for your skin tone.

Solidarity OP 💐

Sounds like you are really depleted. Take Biotin and L-Tyrosine to make your hair and nails grow stronger and thicker. Also take iron, vitamin D and B-complex for energy and mood boosters. Do weight training to sculpt and strengthen your body - it radically improves posture too.

Sounds like you need something for yourself, too - some activity that brings you joy and gives you a sense of who you are beyond being a mum. Even a class in something that interests you or a hobby group for something you love a couple of hours a week could make a difference.

I also found I needed to change my style after becoming a mum. Do some serious people watching over the next few weeks and look at the clothes on women with similar build and colouring to you, and which of them you think are really good style, then adapt it for yourself.

Get out in nature at every opportunity, breathes life into you!

ALL credit solely due to @SpidersAreShitheads 🌻

You asked for veggie supplement recommendations. I massively recommend Floradix for iron and multivitamins - their herbal iron capsules or liquid (capsules are best - not the dark pills but the clear ones with tiny grains in). These are the most effective iron supplements ever and don't cause constipation, which most do.

Brewer's yeast is a veggie B-vitamin supplement.

Eat a few nuts every day - brazil nuts for hair or walnuts for mood. They may be high calorie but they are so nutritious. Just 3-6 nuts makes a difference.

Agar is veggie-based gelatin, good for nails and hair. You can make your own fruit jellies with it very easily. Sounds like a faff but it really isn't. There are loads of veggie biotin supplements online. Can't recommend one, but worth looking at the reviews and trying a couple.

Oh god, I feel this so much. I had mine late (42 and 44), pre kids no one could believe I was 40, I was fit, skinny, healthy glowing skin, I mean I was no supermodel for sure, but I looked decent for my age, which now I realise was 90% down to not having kids 😂 Post kids, my body and skin was destroyed, and nothing I’ve done since has made any difference. I still exercise (obvs not as much as pre kids), eat relatively healthy, great skincare and makeup etc but nothing helps really. My youngest is nearly 3 now and I’m sure I’ll hit peri soon so the outlook is dire. Day to day I don’t think too much about it as life is otherwise great and I know I should be grateful for two healthy babies in my 40s but it does make me sad when I’m always the ugly one in family photos now.

That's good to know, thanks. I use 'Faithful to Nature' isolate pea protein powder - it's got no additives or anything, and I blend it with a banana and almond or macadamia milk (also the kind with no additives).

Am trying to think of ways to make up the rest of the quota. I'm not actually vegan as I eat fish about 3 x a week, and eggs about twice a week, from my friend who has a smallholding here in South Africa with happy hens.

I know you only really need the amount you've mentioned, but I'm on Ozempic and have started weight training so I'm scared of losing lean muscle mass and want to make sure I'm getting enough. Am in perimenopause so am thinking about muscle mass and bone density etc.

Sorry you’re feeling so pants OP, I’ve been there, it’s hard to see yourself change so much in such a short time and feel powerless to change.

I wanted to raise the question about IF - I know it’s a MN favourite and is very popular these days, but it really isn’t a solid solution for many women, especially when your body is already under a lot of stress and pressure. It can actually make things worse and tank your metabolism at - time when your body needs nourishment and kindness. You’ve already mentioned low iron (how low is it? What are you doing for it?) and low zinc in pregnancy.
Being low in either or both of these will affect your hair, skin, nails and energy.

Whilst swimming and running are considered great cardio, they are taxing to an already overtaxed body and will be adding further stress (and cortisol spikes and drops) to a body that’s already not being fed each morning till midday. When we chronically don’t eat until midday, our bodies use adrenaline to manage blood sugar drops. Women’s bodies are not the same as men’s and we are much more sensitive to metabolic issues with IF, especially if we are not in top physical condition with low life stress whilst we’re following that diet approach. That sounds like the opposite to your situation OP - full time work, raising a toddler, poor nutritional status and not eating well after waking.

If I were you I’d switch over to a more nourishing approach: eating regular healthy meals, ensure you have breakfast within 30-60 mins of getting up and have fibre with every meal (fruit, veg, beans, chia seeds, low fat or lean proteins, quality carbs, dairy etc). Add in a zinc supplement for a couple of months and find iron rich foods and don’t drink tea/coffee at the same time to maximise absorption).

Drop the running, maintain the walking, add in some daily flexibility training, use YouTube or literally just spend 15-20 mins stretching / yoga and then do a 5-10 mins wind down / guided meditation. You need to bring your body back down from the chronic overwhelm. Which is possibly why is hurts to do weights - undernourished bodies are inflamed and don’t recover easily.

Is your UV allergy PMLE or some other skin condition? Can often signify some sort of gut inflammation going on.

Above all OP - be kind to yourself, you are not a sack of bin juice!😅😊🩷

Catch yourself a break, you have a two year old, for heavens sake. I didn't look human from when DD was born until she was about 4. Also, I've never looked exactly the wame as I did before she came along.

Re your colours - worth just having a look online at guides, getting your colours “done” does rather presume you have spare money and time, both of which you’ve said you don’t!

You said you have a classic wardrobe full of black and white, but also fake tans don’t suit you/look really fake on you. So that would suggest to me, you’ve not got the colouring to carry off black and white. I find either near my face is draining, unless I’ve got a natural tan. Navy, green, brown, burgundy look a lot better than black and cream and beige better than white or grey.

Without seeing you, it’s hard to tell, so it might be worth asking chat /looking at online guides to work out which neutrals/basic colours suit you.

I could have written this post! I feel like I aged 10 years overnight since having a baby. I still dress nice, have my hair done, wear makeup up etc. but I just look different. I swear my face has changed and no matter what I do I still look 'frumpy'. I think I look ok in the mirror and then I see a photo of me and i look like a middle aged hobbit woman 😂

This is what I thought too: generalised feelings about looking awful could be all in op's mind, but ridged nails are there or they aren't.

It sounds like a vitamin or mineral deficiency op. It's great you lost the weight, but I do wonder if in doing so you cut something out that you are now missing?

I think I'd try a quick trip to the GP as, while it is very likely something easily fixed with a supplement or diet change, ridged nails can indicate more serious illness. It may be you are treating a medical issue as a cosmetic one.

I recovered well after having my babies but the glow.. it took 3 years after my last so I was 34 before I started looking pre-baby.

I have some non-negotiables which include regular hair appointments, nails always done and clean, ironed clothes. I also have minimal Botox and use Tret.

Breastfeeding for years nearly did me in - it got rid of the weight but it drained me. To echo a PP, I am selfish about myself now. I can’t use the pre-baby shampoo, so I’ve had to upgrade to expensive stuff.

You’re a mum, you can’t not be a mum. But you can still look fab.

Thank you so much @beetr00 - I’m genuinely touched 💐

We judge ourselves so harshly while willingly giving so much of ourselves. Every day. It really is absolutely relentless when you’re in the thick of it.

What’s that phrase? This too shall pass. Just try and hold that in your mind OP.

Do what you can to make yourself feel better, but give your body time to heal and recover its equilibrium. You will rise again like a phoenix, maybe not exactly the same as before but still beautiful. Or if you prefer, a blue tit 😂

I love this thread. I love seeing a community of women lifting each other up ❤️

@Bigbluemoon that was me on the colours. Depending on where you live there are different companies that offer to do your colours. House of Colour, Red Leopard etc you walk away with a small wallet of all the colours that really work for you in terms of clothes. You can then look at your wardrobe, sell, donate anything there that doesn’t compliment your skin tone and focus any shopping for clothes on those colours. It makes a massive difference.

It’s helped me a lot! I can go makeup free and still look ok.

Re supplements: GLOWWA is brilliant for hair. Very expensive but it’s brilliant. Keep going you will get through this.