Am I just going to look like shit forever now?

[Bigbluemoon]

AIBU to wonder if this is normal?

I had my first and only DC nearly 2 years ago at 32. I look at pictures of myself pre-baby and wonder who the person looking at me in the mirror is.

I've done everything a person is meant to do - I lost the baby weight and am back to the same size I was pre baby (5"5, 10.5st, size 12/14), continued decent skin care, try to look after my hair and nails, I try and take good care of myself but... I just look like utter shit. I look wan, lifeless, colourless, frumpy... and I just hate looking at myself in the mirror.

Ive never been particularly attractive but I could always make myself look pulled together, but now its nigh on impossible. I was bridesmaid at a wedding recently and I look absolutely horrific in the photos, to the point where I can't look at them.

Im trying not to care. Beauty hasn't ever been important to me because I very much have never been attractive, but I've never hated myself this much. My skin looks grey, greasy, dry and dull, my hair feels so thin and breaks so easily, my stomach is disgusting even throughclothes, my nails are all ridged... even my teeth look bloody weird.

Is this just how I look now? Do some people just go on a rapid decline after a few sleep deprived years and never get 'it' back? I considered some botox but I feel like its just a sticking plaster for a system-wide problem that I can't fix.

Sounds like you're just tired and perhaps need more nutrients@Bigbluemoon.

I looked like shit this morning (and no children involved...!) until I'd cleansed my face, used moisturiser balm, ate and relaxed a bit then put on minimal makeup. You honestly don't look as bad as you think, might look beautiful but exhausted.

A cheap conditioner is extra virgin coconut oil a few hours before washing, if that suits your hair. And working through my to-do list, that helps you feel more focused.

It took me years to get to a point of looking in the mirror and feeling like a human. I wish I’d addressed things earlier instead of feeling shit and hoping for the best. I had bought new clothes, spent a fortune on skincare etc etc but it was just a bottomless pit.

What I started doing after seeing a private doctor about something else, which turned into a whole body conversation - was change my diet. Upped protein massively, and fibre/veg. Also going to Facegym or similar and not only getting my face massaged to the nth degree, but getting skincare tailored to me. You’ve not only gone through pregnancy which drains the life out of you, but you are in a new skin/body age too. That needs to be looked at on its own terms regularly. Like what I’m doing now I’ll be doing probably differently in five years, and now it’s a lot of focus on energy acquisition and spend, ie diet and exercise but I think of it in terms of energy a lot. And treating my body like it’s not a bag of shit that only needs to be dragged about. It’s now (trying to be) a well oiled machine that’s worth a billion quid, that I’m caring for like my life depends on it!

It can be really hard to focus on yourself when you’ve got little kids, and I used to tune my nose up at the ‘happy mum, happy baby’ types and dismissed them as selfish and unable to prioritise their children. Now I see it differently. I still prioritise my children, but by looking after myself I have so much more energy and strength to give them, I’m not knackered and forcing myself to do stuff with them, which I always saw as the ultimate prioritisation. Now I’m like ok let’s go now, I’ve done my work and done the dinner and still got energy for you!

Daylight, lots of daylight, time for yourself meditation/audiobooks etc, clean protein packed diet. If you just strive for these I think I can guarantee you’ll feel fantastic in a week.

Thinking of you, OP. I remember it well. Sleep was the answer for me, really, although I didn’t get any of that for years. And dressing my child-ravaged body differently. I went from an hour glass shape to looking like a rotational slippage diagram in a geography textbook. Get down the shops and try stuff on. Drink lots of water, and when that doesn’t work, have a glass of wine. Sleep at every opportunity. Put lipstick on, it really does cheer your face up.

@Bigbluemoon iron should be about 70

For me clothes and shoes make a huge difference to how I feel..I follow lots of people on instagram and start shopping with ideas from there..not expensive brands just new look, next etc . Yes money is really tight but you have to prioritise yourself as well.

Right, i threw my bloods into chatgpt and everything is 'normal' but haemoglobin is the lowest it can be before being 'abnormal' so im going to get my iron checked as they didnt check ferritin or thyroid or zinc. Mostly the screening was for inflammation which came out OK, not great but ok.

Lots of fantastic advice and lots of conflicting advice also! Will be having a big think about this as its really overwhelming thinking about all the different permutations of what might make me feel/look better. I do think sleep is the biggest one though!

Thank you so much for this. I take plant collagen but had read mixed research about effectiveness and I’ve been searching for plant based recommendations

I repeat a lot of the same meals at the moment to make it easier.

For breakfast, it's either:

• 0% greek yoghurt with a scoop of protein powder, berries on top & a sprinkle of flax seeds or desiccated coconut for fibre
• scrambled eggs with spinach, or boiled eggs, a slice of sourdough toast & grilled turkey rashers. Liberally dosed in sriracha sauce because it's divine.
• oats with berries & a scoop of protein powder

For lunch,

• if I haven't had eggs for breakfast I'll have it for lunch because it's cheap & easy.
• leftovers from yesterday's dinner, I try cook enough protein in the meal before that I can eat it again.

For dinner, I have picky kids so we eat a lot of finger foods:

• chicken burgers / beef burgers
• meatballs & wholemeal spaghetti
• chicken curry & rice
• chicken & chips
• meatball skewers or chicken skewers

I weigh my food out, and make sure that the protein portion is big enough. E.g. I'll have one & a half chicken burger patties to meet my goal. I eat sourdough instead of plain bread, mozzarella instead of cheddar, low fat milk / yoghurt instead of full fat. I balance my plate with lots of fruit & veggies so I can maximise my calorie intake - I try focus on low cal ones like watermelon, blueberries, etc., or higher protein veg like brocolli. It took ages before this felt natural / easy but now it's second nature!

Disclaimer that it does help I'm still breastfeeding my one year old - gives an extra 300cal a day to fit a daily ice-cream in with. 😅

I'm in ROI so slightly different healthcare, but through our version of NHS. I asked for thyroid, nutrient panel & hormones. I was hoping my GP would say my thyroid was out of whack & I could get a prescription to help me lose weight / look better. Sadly, it was not. They told me to stop eating my children's leftovers instead, and count my calories. Double disappointment.

I give full credit to the Mumsnet thread on how do you use AI! It was fantastic inspo. 👏🏼 I googled AI beauty prompts after.

I found out I was a completely different colour palette than I thought I was! Think I pulled off the stuff I used to wear because of youth more than anything, and I don't really have that anymore! Changed my hair shade & make up undertones based on the advise, and think I look marginally better.

My other favourite beauty prompt from it was creating a custom skincare routine. I entered all the products I was recommended / normally use / wanted them & asked for cheaper alternatives with the same ingredients, so I could actually afford to buy them.

@Bigbluemoon most definitely not the only new mum who feels like bin juice in the first few years. I have only stopped feeling that way recently!

Down time really does make a difference I think, and probably the only suggestion I've made that doesn't end in "and then I put this prompt in ChatGPT!" We also have 0 childcare support, so my DP & I split the week. 2 evenings for hobby / workouts & 1 weekend morning each. 2-3 hours of time to ourselves each time. Sometimes more, sometimes less depending on life demands. We had to make a conscious effort not to make it tit for tat, or get resentful of the others time. Plus, the person at home can't half ass taking care of the kids / house, so it really does take a bought in partner. I take this time for gym/walking by myself and I just feel happier since we started it. Not sure if I look better, but I definitely feel it. ❤️

Again disclaimer that I'm on mat leave for another week or two, so this might be an unholy disaster when I'm back to work. Though going back to work will probably be more restful than being home with my DC full time!

Also paused to add this but before posting - I think I saw PND mentioned in one of your comments? Don't discredit how long this takes your body / mind to recover from. If it was a physical ailment you'd still be in physio / treatment for it in most cases. I had it with my first & it floored me. I thought I was better after 6 months - I was not. Really it was 2 years, and having my second (a very healing experience!) before I felt 'me' again in hindsight.

Thank you so much, this is really helpful. I haven't got kids and can't imagine doing this while breastfeeding as well, I hope you moms know how strong you are 💪

Have a consultation with a nutritionist at Cytoplan. They will sort out a vitamin and mineral plan for you. Consultation free.

Have a consultation with a herbalist at Napiers. As above but herbs. Consultation free.

I'm not paid by either company but I use their products

Yes I reverse aged when mine got to 3. I look back at photos from my 30s and wonder who that tired, overweight, dull person is. Mid 40s and looking better than I ever have. You need some sleep and a style revamp OP

I'm the same. I have a 19 month old, except I haven't lost the extra stone of baby weight yet. I was looking at a picture of myself taken yesterday and I look ill. Dark circles under my eyes when I've never had them before, my skin looked greasy and pale, my forehead looked huge as my hair line is different now, don't even get me started on my body/stomach. I'm feeling really low. Plus around 2pm everyday I actually feel exhausted and ill. Then I perk up again early evening.

Oh this is me!!!! 22 months in and ageing like milk 🤌

Honestly, I looked better before losing the weight. I lost it really rapidly because of PND- you probably look way better than you think you do but its fucking horrible and im sending loads of love.

One day we will sleep!!!!

I look back at photos from that time also see what you’re describing. No it doesn’t last, they start sleeping and being independent and honestly 21 years later I’ve never felt so good and so confident.
I dressed frumpy then and I definitely don’t now

When we miss one night of proper sleep, how shit do we feel and look? I look shit if I get 5 hours. With small kids it was a few hours here and there.. Times that by hundreds of nights… of course we’ll look shit. I spent years on broken sleep and it showed. But it’s reversible!

Pregnancy takes it out of you! Your body prioritises giving the baby everything it needs, and that includes taking it from you! I looked awful, sleep deprived, suddenly greying hair, ageing skin - symptoms of autoimmune diseases. It went on for a good few years. My youngest is now 6, and like others, I look and feel better now than I did 6-9 years ago.

It does sound like, especially with the depression, that some of this is in your head a bit. My DM hates pictures of herself, always has.
But now, she’ll look at a picture of herself from years ago and say “wow! Look how I good I looked then!” - if only she could have seen that at the time!