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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should cancel our holiday

117 replies

LoftyLilacDeer · 18/08/2025 00:53

There’s a lot to get into here, and I am going to try and keep it brief but clear.

Hubby is appalling with money. Spends a lot and also makes really silly mistakes (once booked a non-refundable £2000 hotel for the wrong dates and only realised a month after the check-in date, often doesn’t pay the credit card bill but then thinks he has loads of money for that month and spends it)

We’ve argued a lot about money over the years, mainly due to his dippiness with it. I wouldn’t mind if he was just profligate and spent a lot, but it’s the endless mistakes that bother me as it’s waste. Two years ago we came into £180,000 from a relative.

We spent £30,000 on “nice” things - bought some nice furniture, couple of nice holidays, and kept £150,000 back for the future. I’ve been nagging him to book a financial advisor and he’s never got round to it.

We keep our day-to-day finances separate, in part because I don’t trust him around money, and recently we booked a biggish trip to America. It was very last minute because he didn’t notice we had an airmiles voucher that was expiring (see aforementioned dizziness). We’re now trying to plan it and I’m starting to realise how expensive the trip is.

We can currently cancel and will lose nothing but the voucher. I think, given that we’re supposed to be saving for a house and we’ve already had two VERY nice/expensive holidays with that money, we should be sensible and knuckle down. He thinks “well we’ve got the money so why not”

But I just think that with that attitude, we’ll fritter it all away. The pot is already a lot lower than I was expecting as he’s spent some more of it this year, and he’s not managed to save any money from his actual job.

We had a huge row this evening because I’m sick and tired of checking our bank accounts and finding less than I’m expecting. His stance is basically “we have £150k so what’s the big deal” and mine is “that is not the attitude we want to have if we want to keep or grow it”.

i just don’t think technically being able to afford something means you should do it - not when you have other financial goals. AIBU?

OP posts:
LoztWorld · 18/08/2025 01:01

Why are you saving for a house if you have £150k sat there? Surely that’s the deposit for a house?

Could you book a financial advisor rather than nag him to do it.

If holiday is next year i think I would go but set yourself pretty high monthly savings goals in the meantime. No point never doing anything nice because you’re meant to be saving… if you’re not actually saving!

tinyspiny · 18/08/2025 01:03

This is an example of where I don’t understand not having completely shared finances , if you did there would be no surprises . You are not on the same page financially and will continue to have this issue until you agree which page you are on . With someone who is bad with money surely you’d be better off having all income into one pot , take account of bills and saving and then allocate an amount each for fuel / spending and when it’s gone it’s gone no dipping into savings . Your husband is looking at the £150k and saying we have loads of money for a holiday but you don’t have a house , his priorities are very different to yours .

LoztWorld · 18/08/2025 01:05

Also I am absolutely clueless with handling big sums of money, but even I know you shouldn’t just have £150k sat in an account where you can easily access it for day to day spending. Sounds like this is the case with this money if you keep finding he’s spent bits of it?

Thats a situation you can rectify without even speaking to a financial advisor

JLou08 · 18/08/2025 01:07

You say 'we' booked it, so why is it solely his bad decisions with money the reason to cancel. Why didn't you look into how expensive it would be before booking? It sounds like you might both have problems with managing finances appropriately but you are putting all the blame on him.

Original poster
LoftyLilacDeer · 18/08/2025 01:10

tinyspiny · 18/08/2025 01:03

This is an example of where I don’t understand not having completely shared finances , if you did there would be no surprises . You are not on the same page financially and will continue to have this issue until you agree which page you are on . With someone who is bad with money surely you’d be better off having all income into one pot , take account of bills and saving and then allocate an amount each for fuel / spending and when it’s gone it’s gone no dipping into savings . Your husband is looking at the £150k and saying we have loads of money for a holiday but you don’t have a house , his priorities are very different to yours .

The problem is we have VERY VERY different priorities (have you noticed!!!) and having our own accounts saves a lot of arguments on day-to-day spend. And then I say “hey can we check the big savings pots” and it’s always just… a little bit lower. And he gets quite defensive when I ask where it is

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 18/08/2025 01:11

Is this how you want your life to be? Because he has no interest or intention of changing. The way you describe him, he sounds very happy to be the way he is. Have you looked clearly at how he is and what your future holds? Ask yourself how well you will sleep at night in the future.

Lovely jubbley impulsive treats are all very well in the first flush and excitement of love but not sharing financial attitudes and goals can make for terrible and perhaps terrifying messes later.

Original poster
LoftyLilacDeer · 18/08/2025 01:13

JLou08 · 18/08/2025 01:07

You say 'we' booked it, so why is it solely his bad decisions with money the reason to cancel. Why didn't you look into how expensive it would be before booking? It sounds like you might both have problems with managing finances appropriately but you are putting all the blame on him.

I think this is totally fair tbh. I’m normally the sensible one saying “no” to everything and I don’t know why I agreed to this

OP posts:
LoztWorld · 18/08/2025 01:17

LoftyLilacDeer · 18/08/2025 01:10

The problem is we have VERY VERY different priorities (have you noticed!!!) and having our own accounts saves a lot of arguments on day-to-day spend. And then I say “hey can we check the big savings pots” and it’s always just… a little bit lower. And he gets quite defensive when I ask where it is

Show quote history

Can you do all salaries into a joint account that bills and shared day to day expenses come out of

Transfer x amount each month on pay day to savings, so it’s like you never even have it

Transfer x amount each month on payday to your own personal accounts so both have the same fun money each month

Savings should be inaccessible without some kind of notice and in both your names. So you never have to ask him to check and you/he are never tempted to spontaneously dip in

But really I think you should just use the money to get a house asap before it gets frittered. Sounds like the amount is only going to go down, not up, and you already have enough for a deposit so you’ll be kicking yourself in 5 years if you still haven’t got a house and now have even fewer savings

tinyspiny · 18/08/2025 01:23

@LoftyLilacDeer I think a few daily arguments about spending is in the long run going to be less damaging to your relationship than the argument you have when you realise that you only have a few k left out of the £150 k because he is dipping into it constantly . At least , if you aren’t ready to buy the house yet , put the rest of that money into an account where he can’t touch it .

StartupRepair · 18/08/2025 01:25

Put the 150k into a term deposit for 12 months.

Willquery123 · 18/08/2025 01:36

Who was the money actually left to? Was it him?

If so I think you'll have to accept he's going to spend some, as he is ignoring all your very sensible (but I'm guessing in his mind, very boring) suggestions.

pollyglot · 18/08/2025 01:58

I came on to ask the question posed by @Willquery123 . If the money was left to him, then you can suggest and guide the sensible use thereof, but ultimately, he has the say. Inherited money is not joint unless the inheritor chooses to make it so. Of course, if it's yours, then go for it. Insist on buying a house. You've had your fun spends, now you need to be sensible.

DarklingIlisten · 18/08/2025 01:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

Forthisonde · 18/08/2025 02:04

Willquery123 · 18/08/2025 01:36

Who was the money actually left to? Was it him?

If so I think you'll have to accept he's going to spend some, as he is ignoring all your very sensible (but I'm guessing in his mind, very boring) suggestions.

This is my question as well: is the inheritance your DH's?

Garmin1746 · 18/08/2025 02:04

If you had got the financial advisor your pot wouldn’t be 150k, your pot would be over 200k. Therefor the holidays your mentioning would have been free

Meadowfinch · 18/08/2025 02:05

I'd cancel the holiday and spend the time finding and buying a house. That requires a bit of time and commitment. Get it done. Make sure you buy as tenants in common so he cannot fritter your half away when he gets into debt.

And I have to say, I could not live with a man who can't be trusted to manage money sensibly. No-one wants to spend their life waiting for the rug to be pulled from beneath their feet. .

Freshstartyear25 · 18/08/2025 02:18

I think it’s a sensible question to ask who the money was left to because that’ll change what I think a bit. Anyway, I don’t understand why you need an extravagant financial advisor when that can just be your huge mortgage deposit, you spend the money getting yourself on the housing ladder and there won’t be anything left to fritter away and you can see that you’ve achieved something with it.

Metoo22222 · 18/08/2025 02:58

I would use the money to get him assessed for adhd

Monty27 · 18/08/2025 03:16

If the lump sum was bequeathed the lump sum and wants to spunk it rather than invest in the future for you both I'd be concerned.
Was it a close relative? There just might be grief playing a part here somewhere.

Monty27 · 18/08/2025 03:17

Sorry if dh was bequeathed it solely I meant.

ParmaVioletTea · 18/08/2025 03:18

The problem is we have VERY VERY different priorities (have you noticed!!!) and having our own accounts saves a lot of arguments on day-to-day spend. And then I say “hey can we check the big savings pots” and it’s always just… a little bit lower. And he gets quite defensive when I ask where it is

I could not be doing with this.

I would be taking CONTROL - I don't want STD - sexually transmitted debt! Whatever you say about separate finances, at some point one of you will be dependent on the other. And what about if you have children?

He's terrible with money - I'd be running the household finances, and agreeing with him a weekly allowance for us both. I couldn't live with that carelessness over money.

Who's inheritance was it?

But whichever one of you lost a parent/close relative and inherited, most people don't see lump sums like that and it's important you don't treat it as income - it's capital, to be invested, not spent (unless you're earning twice that in a year, of course).

ParmaVioletTea · 18/08/2025 03:19

I'm with @Meadowfinch - I couldn't live with this kind of profligacy.

DarklingIlisten · 18/08/2025 03:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

Nextweektoo · 18/08/2025 03:31

Why can't you take over finances?

Shedmistress · 18/08/2025 03:32

That £150k is going to disappear anyway so you might as well get a holiday out of it,