To think we should cancel our holiday

[LoftyLilacDeer]

There’s a lot to get into here, and I am going to try and keep it brief but clear.

Hubby is appalling with money. Spends a lot and also makes really silly mistakes (once booked a non-refundable £2000 hotel for the wrong dates and only realised a month after the check-in date, often doesn’t pay the credit card bill but then thinks he has loads of money for that month and spends it)

We’ve argued a lot about money over the years, mainly due to his dippiness with it. I wouldn’t mind if he was just profligate and spent a lot, but it’s the endless mistakes that bother me as it’s waste. Two years ago we came into £180,000 from a relative.

We spent £30,000 on “nice” things - bought some nice furniture, couple of nice holidays, and kept £150,000 back for the future. I’ve been nagging him to book a financial advisor and he’s never got round to it.

We keep our day-to-day finances separate, in part because I don’t trust him around money, and recently we booked a biggish trip to America. It was very last minute because he didn’t notice we had an airmiles voucher that was expiring (see aforementioned dizziness). We’re now trying to plan it and I’m starting to realise how expensive the trip is.

We can currently cancel and will lose nothing but the voucher. I think, given that we’re supposed to be saving for a house and we’ve already had two VERY nice/expensive holidays with that money, we should be sensible and knuckle down. He thinks “well we’ve got the money so why not”

But I just think that with that attitude, we’ll fritter it all away. The pot is already a lot lower than I was expecting as he’s spent some more of it this year, and he’s not managed to save any money from his actual job.

We had a huge row this evening because I’m sick and tired of checking our bank accounts and finding less than I’m expecting. His stance is basically “we have £150k so what’s the big deal” and mine is “that is not the attitude we want to have if we want to keep or grow it”.

i just don’t think technically being able to afford something means you should do it - not when you have other financial goals. AIBU?

Make an appointment with your accountant.
You are both losing out if you do not own a home and you do not have all your savings invested very wisely.

Who these days can afford an expensive holiday before buying a house?

You should both do the Rebel Finance school course on YouTube (free) and learn about ISA's, future planning, emergency cash funds etc.

This. We've locked up money at our bank for 12 months. Much better interest rate. So simple to do you just go in, they move the money in your presence and it's safe.

Was coming on to say exactly this! This is how we manage our finances, a joint current account for bills with a fixed amount going into it each month, a fixed amount of spending money going into individual accounts and the rest goes into savings.

The 150K as LoztWorld says get put into an account asap that can’t be touched without notice or if he won’t do that, get your £75K into a separate account ASAP (anything he has spent so far is without your agreement and comes out of his half). You then agree the deposit amount and get looking for a house ASAP. If he doesn’t have his half of the deposit at exchange then that would be a deal breaker for me and I’d take my £75K and go buy alone.

You are going to have to take control of the finances and really quickly as the one who is better at managing finances.

What age is he? Has he any learning difficulties?

This would drive me insane. I don’t think I could stand to tie myself to it long term. Sorry, OP.

What kind of account is the money sitting in !! How is it not earning interest??

you both sound clueless about money tbh

@LoftyLilacDeer keep in mind if the £150k is with one bank you are only covered for £85k if something happens and the bank goes under.

Saving for a house? £150k is a huge deposit. You’re pissing rent money up the wall. You’re not being very wise with money either

edit duplicate post

Ignoring the tribe of elephants in the room and attempting to answer the question you asked: you have the trip booked, and if you cancel you only lose the cost of the flights, which were comped anyway, right? There's an argument to rationalise cancelling, then, and you certainly CAN cancel in good conscience. But what about the interests that drove you to book the trip in the first place - at least some desire to visit the USA, and a feeling that the savings from the free flight vouchers made this a particularly advantageous time to visit? I guess I don't really see anything in your posts that tells me why that's no longer the case, that it's no longer desirable to go to the USA even with the savings? I'm not saying that nothing has changed; you'll factor any changes in desire to travel to your original destination in to your final decision, but if you want to go to the USA it's not going to get any cheaper and you may not have a chance at free flights again. If you do take this trip or any trip, budget in detail and stick to the budget. The USA is expensive, but it's also a place where you can very often get a very desirable bargain OR get massively ripped off on the same purchase.

That 150k will be gone if you leave him with access to it. And no, do not go on the holiday. Irresponsibility with money is how people end up failing to pay off their mortgage. This is really serious. You need financial counselling, now.

At the risk of sounding like the kind of person
people hate, and as a rule I agree with them that internet diagnosis of any kind is annoying: the way you describe his way of dealing with money and general ditziness with forgetting stuff and making silly Mistakes reminds me so much of myself before I was medicated for adhd I didn’t even realise I had.
its just a thought, if it doesnt apply to him (there will be other symptoms if it is ADHD) then feel free to ignore me.

It sounds like the savings are in his name, and you have to ask to see it periodically to check how much is there?
Why is this? And can you change it?

It doesn't seem sensible to hold it in his account given he's financially irresponsible. Does he agree with your opinion on how he is with money?

@LoftyLilacDeer Sounds like you are financially incompatible which is a huge red flag.

Are you on the same page about owning a house? I think the vast majority of people who get given £180k who don't have a house and want one would put it towards that goal (seeing that you have already spent £30k on 'luxuries').

I honestly don't know how you move forward. He is a spendthrift (love that word). My gran told me to avoid these types of people at all costs.

Do you ever think you will be working towards the same financial goals? Does he recognize he is shit with money? Is he willing to change? What are his parents like with money? Do they fritter it away as well?Finances is one the most common reasons for getting a divorce.

Also wondering what type of wedding did you have? I do think people who spend a lot on their weddings relative to their income often have fucked up finances - all about the 'show' not about the marriage.

He is consistently showing you who he is. Only you and he will know if he has the capacity to change, and if he doesn't, whether you can put up with it.

@LoftyLilacDeer do you have DC with your DH?

If not, please try to sort financial goals beforehand. If you do, then he is being reckless with their future, particularly as you don't have a house.

Do you currently own a house? As if not I don't understand why you didn't use the inheritance for that initially.
I think the fact you mention buying nice things for the house suggests you do already own somewhere. To me this means that as well as differences in managing money you have different outlooks - you want the money to go to a bigger home, DH isn't fussed and wants to spend.
I don't think either of you are necessarily unreasonable and as many others have asked, who was the inheritance specifically left to?

There is no part of the country where £150k isn’t enough for a deposit on a house (and I am writing from inner London) - what’s the hold-up here? What are you waiting for?

I think the US trip is a bit of a red herring. In the long run it doesn’t matter if you go or don’t, but the inheritance money must be put in a suitable account and used for the (shared?) goal of buying a house, and there needs to be a better approach to shared finances generally. Especially if you have / are planning children, where planning and expense management can quickly breed resentment in couples.

Why is the £150k accessible? Is it just in a current account???

Surely you'd lock that away somewhere where you need both of you to approve if money is wanted out of it.

That money will be gone by Xmas if you don't. And you know he's shit with it so you need to take over all financial stuff. Why wait for him to book an ifa? It's never going to happen.

Whose inheritance was it, they don't generally go to two people

I have a friend who divorced her ex for similar attitudes to.money. she ended up having to give him an allowance like a child which he'd blow through and then ask for.more.
He's still terrible with money, being evicted a couple of times, has CCJ s etc. People with an easy come easy go attitude to money are highly unlikely to change

By lower do you mean it hasn’t grown as much as you hoped (you’ve saved less) or it is lower than it was last time you looked? The first is pretty much how everyone feels when saving, the second would suggest being irresponsible around money (it shouldn’t be lower if you are actively saving).
That is a red flag and would need an agreement that the irresponsible person agrees to do something about it.

Is it his inheritance? If so then it is his to fritter, however infuriating and foolish that is.

i could not be with someone who has such a different attitude to money as I ido. It would make me both hugely anxious and also angry. That’s no basis for a healthy relationship and a financial mismatch is really problematic- it’s up there with the big issues in a marriage tbh.

I think this would be crunch time for me. Sit him down and spell out how you feel. If he feels differently and/or says he will be more in line with your approach but isn’t, then I’d have to get out however much I love him.

These are the kinds of people that snowball into debt over years. It’s all well and good frittering away money that’s sat there (mad imho but fair enough if that’s how you want to spend it) but what about if he loses his job? costs go up unexpectedly, one of you gets ill etc etc. If he hasn’t got a sound handle on saving and planning then he could be in trouble.

Again some people will suit this way of living and some won’t. If you aren’t on the same page I think it spells enormous trouble. And I don’t think you can change him.

If it is his inheritance there is not much you can do, if it is yours, why is he anywhere near it.

Does DH earn lots, big salary is he young? He sounds like a young banker type who thinks he’s invincible.

id take all of the advice, go on the trip you may as well enjoy, book a FA and get a joint account set up.

Just plonk him down and tell him you are financially incompetent and need some help before you blow everything, get some pensions set up get some savings and investments sorted and get a home.

Please, please put that money into an ISA or something so you’re OH can’t keep dipping into it, it’ll just cause distress and resentment in the long run if he ends up spending large sums on nothing without your agreement! It must be incredibly frustrating for you OP.