To think we should cancel our holiday

[LoftyLilacDeer]

There’s a lot to get into here, and I am going to try and keep it brief but clear.

Hubby is appalling with money. Spends a lot and also makes really silly mistakes (once booked a non-refundable £2000 hotel for the wrong dates and only realised a month after the check-in date, often doesn’t pay the credit card bill but then thinks he has loads of money for that month and spends it)

We’ve argued a lot about money over the years, mainly due to his dippiness with it. I wouldn’t mind if he was just profligate and spent a lot, but it’s the endless mistakes that bother me as it’s waste. Two years ago we came into £180,000 from a relative.

We spent £30,000 on “nice” things - bought some nice furniture, couple of nice holidays, and kept £150,000 back for the future. I’ve been nagging him to book a financial advisor and he’s never got round to it.

We keep our day-to-day finances separate, in part because I don’t trust him around money, and recently we booked a biggish trip to America. It was very last minute because he didn’t notice we had an airmiles voucher that was expiring (see aforementioned dizziness). We’re now trying to plan it and I’m starting to realise how expensive the trip is.

We can currently cancel and will lose nothing but the voucher. I think, given that we’re supposed to be saving for a house and we’ve already had two VERY nice/expensive holidays with that money, we should be sensible and knuckle down. He thinks “well we’ve got the money so why not”

But I just think that with that attitude, we’ll fritter it all away. The pot is already a lot lower than I was expecting as he’s spent some more of it this year, and he’s not managed to save any money from his actual job.

We had a huge row this evening because I’m sick and tired of checking our bank accounts and finding less than I’m expecting. His stance is basically “we have £150k so what’s the big deal” and mine is “that is not the attitude we want to have if we want to keep or grow it”.

i just don’t think technically being able to afford something means you should do it - not when you have other financial goals. AIBU?

Why are you saving for a house if you have £150k sat there? Surely that’s the deposit for a house?

This.

"Two years ago we came into £180,000 from a relative."

His relative? Your relative?

"We’re supposed to be saving for a house."

So that means whoever didn't inherit is going to match the amount?

Im confused, you are saving for a house, got given the money two years ago yet still havnt bought a house but still havnt bought a house? Whats the reason behind this because I feel like the reason will help inform responses tbh, is it just wanting the right house in the right area to come up, is it work related where you have to hold off for a while, has he been putting it off etc?

If your finances are separate are you sure the 150k is still there? Either way sounds like you’re not on the same page when it comes to money at all.

This. And also, you don't need to save for a house. You have £150k which is a massive deposit.

Although I'm guessing like others have said, it's actually your DH who has inherited the money and wants to keep it to access it but using the excuse of "saving for a house".

Maybe the person that got the inheritance doesn't want to spend it on a house deposit.

Set the savings account up so you both have to sign to withdraw money and dont have cards for the account.

He is never going to change, so I see only three options here.

1. Keep your finances entirely separate. Don't even look at his. Have a household account that only you have access to, that the bills get paid from. The downside of this is that if your husband takes out loans, you're on the hook for them too.
2. Take over the family finances and give him an allowance in an account that can't be in the red. If the money is gone, he can't spend anymore. He could probably still take out a loan and you'd still be screwed.
3. Divorce him before he ruins your finances along with his own.

Personally, I could not handle the stress of his financial ineptitude and would probably have divorced him by now. But that's just me.

I would like clarification on whether you own a house or not already. You have said that you spent a lot of money on household furniture but this seems a little odd if you don't own the house and that you have more than enough for a deposit for your own.

This makes me think it's more about differences in attitude to money/spending. You would rather see a return from it whereas your husband wants experiences.

Why do you need a financial advisor for £150k? They will fleece you for thousands.

You say you don’t have joint finances but that “we” inherited £180k.

Inheritance is family money and is the one source of capital (in my opinion) that there is good justification in treating separately. Some legal systems treat it as non-matrimonial property in a divorce for this reason.

So, I guess my question is, whose inheritance is it? If it came from your husband’s family, it’s his choice how it’s spent (although you can obviously input if he’s willing to listen).

If it’s from your family, this is your money and I’d just make clear that it is not his to dip into.

So when you say ‘we’ got inheritance from a relative, but HE hasn’t booked a financial advisor yet, do you mean it was his inheritance?

Although I think I you’re being very sensible wanting to keep the money for a house / make sure it’s working well for your family ultimately if it’s not your inheritance it’s not up to you.

If there are other issues in your marriage then he’s doing the right thing for him to not put the money into anything joint as it keeps it separate and easier to determine as “just his” in a divorce.

If he wants to fritter it all away ultimately it’s his decision and yours as to whether to stay with someone with such different financial outlook to you.

Money is one of the number one reasons for divorce apparently so I wonder if it's worth seeing a marriage counsellor together to help you get on the same page. This is going to be a long term issue.

In the meantime, can you suggest locking the 150k into an account for 6 months that you can't touch? I'm not super up to speed but I know some ISA accounts for example won't let you withdraw for certain periods. Then use that time to see a financial adviser, agree what it'll be used for, and start the marriage counselling.

You can't have separated finances and then claim that any inheritance is 'joint', it doesn't work like that.

That should have gone straight into a house deposit.

It doesn't sound as though you are financially suited at all.

This is a good illustration of why having separate finances is NOT a solution to different spending attitudes. All it does is hide the problem until one day the saving-minded partner realises how much the spending partner has frittered and gets furious.

You need jointly agreed spending rules, having done a budget and agreed financial goals. It’s boring but needs to happen.

I don’t agree by the way that if it was his inheritance it’s more up to him what to do with the money. You’re married, the money is joint. All that I have I share with you and all that.

Reading between the lines, you have a joint savings pot with the remainder of the inheritance in. This makes it a marital asset. You have to jointly decide how you approach it. You don’t necessarily need a financial advisor for £150k. You may be able to clue yourself up. Though if you can’t, it would be safer. You need to know whether you have exceeded any tax threshholds for interest yet, how to beat inflation, and how to meet your goals. This can be hard work.
One simple idea: divide it between cash ISAs, Premium Bonds and National Savings. This would remove the whole £150 from tax, with boring safe interest returns. This will not keep up with inflation, so use it for a house deposit ASAP if that’s the intention.
You may decide the holiday is still worth it, to keep the Airmiles saving.
You are where you are, until the sensible one takes charge.

Deleted duplicate reply. Why did that post twice?

You can only put 20k per year into an ISA.

Have seperste banks if want but open joint Monzo or starling and have essential pots in there for bills ,money jointly transferred each month then holidays and so on

Plan the money so each month your salary is basically nil.

Because X from both has gone to fun money ,holidays ,Xmas , weekend money , bills ,long term savings and short term savings.

I'm not a fan of premium bonds but whilst your waiting what to do each could have 50 grand in there and you may win something also keeping it out his way

Was the £180k from his relative or your relative? I know you’re married but it makes a difference in my mind. If it’s your relative then hell no he shouldn’t be dipping into it!! If it’s his, well it does explain it a little.

It depends where you want to buy and how much your salaries will allow you to borrow. Our deposit was £250k (some was husbands from previous house some came from his fam) on a small 4 bed in London. 150k is an excellent start but if you add on moving costs, stamp duty etc they will probably need to save a bit.

Agree. This sort of stress isn't worth it. Also why are you saving for a house when you have the £100+? Buy the house before all the money is gone.