New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

Run
Skid marks?? Really
Run 🏃‍♀️ Run 🏃‍♀️

He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time.

No no no no.

He is totally happy living like this. He is used to it. He can have lazy, relaxed days in that space. He thinks it is on the grimy end of normal.

If he hated it, there are ways to clear that shit out in a matter of days - there are various youtube channels dedicated to this. The fact he hasn't done this shows you it doesn't bother him all that much.

He let it get that way (regardless of other people/animals' input) and he is letting it stay that way while he takes his time to "improve it".

Honestly, I say this as a messy person. If you don't want this to be your home, you can never move in with him.

im fairly lazy when it comes to cleaning but I can never understand how a toilet bowl becomes so gross to that extent (and I see many of them - I work in social housing)

Your OCD is not the problem but his complete lack of even the most basic hygiene is. I could feel myself grimacing while reading your post. I would imagine that he is a hoarder, too. You say he shows some self awareness but he really does not. He probably fondly imagines that a quick wipe round is enough and it will be immaculate but it sounds as if his whole house needs a deep clean and decontamination. Someone like this man do not improve, however nice they are, and his house will only get worse as he gets older. He has shown you who he really is and you are worth far more than this. As others have said - run for the hills.

I've met one person who lived in squalor by choice. A mutual friend dropped hints that the woman in question had an improper relationship with her own brother.

I feel itchy just reading this😂

I’m surprised you still really like him op

he is who he is and that is a slob, he might be nice and kind but he is still dirty

don’t waste your time or make him a project to fix

Grim. Did you sleep at all in that filth. I dread to think what the bed was like.

I'm curious about a few things - did his last girlfriend live there??
Are the dogs well? I’m surprised he cares for them well.
Sorry OP but there’s likely to be mice if not rats etc.
He’s bone lazy. How did he think it was ok to ask you with your lovely clean house to stay in a (what sounds like) vermin ridden shithole?

Run as fast as you can. Why would you think this was ok at all?? He’s lazy and dirty. Grim.

I’d have left immediately. This is a massive issue and I don’t see how it can possibly work. It would have taken five minutes to wipe the toilet seat but he just doesn’t care.

@merrygoroundsssdid you get much sleep in the dogs usual place amongst the hairs and the dog smell?

I am lazy and I should dust more but my toilets are CLEANED all the time and I do have a better clean sound if I’m expecting someone!

Eww did you use any plates/ cups? 🤢

By carrying on with him you are setting your expectations to him and if you don’t say anything about the state of his home you will have to put up with it. Even if you do say something and he gets it cleaned - it won’t last as he does not know how a house is ‘presentable’ and if he can’t even sort the basics like the bathroom or hoovering the floor??

What was the bath/ shower/ sink like? 🤢

See your feeling ah beastie.👍

That he didn’t have it in him to just clean his toilet before you arrived says it all!!

When people don't realise that you have to clean a toilet regularly, limescale builds up below the water line and then can't be removed just with normal toilet duck stuff and a scrub, it needs a pumice stone or a strong acid to dissolve it. This turns brown over time because, well, because of the stuff that goes down a toilet. If it's dark brown, it's probably from leaving the toilet unflushed.

Horrible. I can’t imagine his personal hygiene would be great either.

I wouldn’t waste time trying to fix

Also, how did you bring yourself to have a cup of tea, sleep there and - worst of all - use that disgusting toilet? I would imagine that you would want to take several hot baths with disinfectant in after that experience.

. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue.

• *@merrygoroundsss Sorry but you are quite wrong here. He is in denial and ignoring the issue. Clearly he is not clearing up the mess made by his dogs and himself, so saying that he's 'trying to sort it' means nothing in practice. And he's ignoring the fact that his home is disgusting. Only someone with similar standards would find it tolerable. Your OCD is irrelevant here. Rooms reeking of dog urine with black floors are unacceptable to most people. You could give him one more chance by telling him that you are not willing to visit his house again until it is decently clean and he has some plan in place for stopping the mess coming back. If he doesn't get it cleared and cleaned in say a month, you need to work away. Shame as he is so nice in other ways.

A dirty toilet is simply unforgiveable.

Also, if it was in the bathroom, why on earth are you assuming the smell was dog urine on the floor? That would be more likely to be in the kitchen or at least by a door surely? If it is in the bathroom I'm betting that was the scent of your new boyfriend missing the bowl. A lot. 😬

Congratulations.

I couldn’t do it, that’s a massive turn off, if it’s that dirty I wouldn’t want to stay there

Please take it from me do not get involved. I tried to ignore this because he was such a nice guy and used to clean whenever I went over and made a big effort.. for him the beginning. Now I am repulsed by him. I am still friendly with him as he has been supportive through something tough but I have to to make it clear no relationship. He came to my house last week and slept on sofa. It stank when he left. Once he got comfortable i don’t even think he showers more than once a week. I cannot even go
to his house, no way I am drinking from his cups now i realise how unclean he is. Urghh this level of uncleanliness i just can’t.

Could this be sorted by him hiring a cleaner? ( and maybe one deep clean service to start)

Oh dear.

i was going to say that having had 9 dogs there until his Ex moved out I wouldn't be surprised if it was in a bad way with scratched doors & stuff, but I wouldn't judge too harshly if the toilet/bathroom ' lichen were clean. Even if it wasn't hoovered or was messy. Having a full time job, 2 fogs and dating doesn't leave much time for housework BUT he doesn't even keep the toilet clean!

Since i had my stroke earlier in the year, I've lost most of the use of my dominant hand (& leg etc) I'm not tolerating the medication at all well (so feel sick & faint mist of the time) the medication has changed my ability to cope with any heat as well, so I'm basically finding the coolest places to sit, and not much else.

I live alone & no one is offering to help, so things aren't great here right now, BUT you could eat off the toilet seat & rim & wash your hands in the basin if you really needed to without it being a health hazard. There's usually a few dishes need doing, but the sink is empty & clean. The floor definitely needs a Hoover, but my white socks are still white at the end if the day.

The others are right, I doubt this is going to work long term because he's find living like this. He might be saying the right things, but he's not doing the the right thing.

i don't want someone cleaning my place, but if it gets to the stage where I can't keep the toilet clean I would (though to be honest I could probably not clean mine forever & it wouldn't get in that state!!) or change the sheets (have to confess my lovely neighbour often puts my duvet cover on for me as it takes her about a minute & me about an hour, but that's the only thing I get help with).

could he afford to have had a cleaner?

unless you want to be cleaning up after him & his dogs forever more I think this is where you need to save your sanity & end it with him.

(if you don't end it you need to step back, tell him you're happy to see him at yours or out, but you're not going back until it's clean & you won't be doing it!!).

aldi find out why they had 8 dogs and draw your line in the sand about the number you're prepared to live with.

How long have you been seeing him?

I'd have serious worries re his dog ownership too as I doubt he's been bringing them
in dates or to yours IRL getting a dog sutter m, so has he just been leaving them home alone all time?? He'd have failed on that score too.

No. Just no.

Nice try at blaming the woman but she's been gone since the beginning of the year. That filth is his and his alone.

Why does the bathroom smell of dog urine ?!!!

surely he isn't allowing them to wee in there

unless he shuts them in there when at work ?

but dogs do not poo in the toilet, so he cannot blame the dogs for everything...

Absolutely this.

"he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess."

Whatever he may have said, he is in denial, and there's no way his house should be in the state you describe. He should pay for a professional deep clean before you go there again (but of course he won't).
Do you really want to spend your whole time cleaning his house? I suspect the charm would soon wear off .....