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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man’s house is filthy

605 replies

merrygoroundsss · 17/08/2025 22:53

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 17/08/2025 23:15

No. No. No.

Clutter here and there, dust on the skirting board and the breakfast stuff in the sink- no probs.

That loo though… just grim.

Throw him back.

Newname25 · 17/08/2025 23:15

Its a no from me too. He didn't make any effort to make the place nice for you

MuckFusk · 17/08/2025 23:16

merrygoroundsss · 17/08/2025 22:55

Just to add, I did offer to help and gave him some gentle suggestions, but he insisted on sorting it by himself.

OMG! Don't offer to clean his filthy, shit stained hovel! You'd be forever cleaning it for him afterwards. It might be clever misdirection on his part to refuse and insist on doing it himself. He could be figuring that the next time you come over you will see that it is still abominably filthy and conclude he just can't do it, then insist on cleaning it yourself.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2025 23:17

This is disgusting.
don’t ever go there again until it’s clean. Then it’s on him to decide if he wants to sort his life out or not but don’t hold your breath. The dogs aren’t your problem.
it’s not just ‘one issue’ it’s a major thing that will ruin your quality of life. The ONLY way this would work is if you hose him down in shower on arrival and make him strip into clean clothes whenever he visits you, bag his up to be taken away, and then never go to his house ever. If you’re happy to never live with him that could maybe work.
otherwise absolutely not. I’m not sure how you can have sex with him without feeling really dirty.

Icantremembermyusername · 17/08/2025 23:18

I love my DP very much. Together more than 5 years, but we keep our own houses. He, himself and clothing, is very clean, but his house is revolting! I never stay and I do none of his housework!
When he stays at mine 3 - 4 times a week he makes the bed, cooks or washes up, tidies up after himself (or I put his shit in a bag beside the door).
If he is going to enjoy my nice, clean, tidy space he has to help maintain it or go back to his hovel.
Not what you asked, but how I manage it!

Lavender14 · 17/08/2025 23:18

He may have valid reasons for it being the way it is - I'm guessing he's maybe a bit depressed or prone to getting overwhelmed. But a few key things for me - first if his dogs are peeing inside to the point it's soaking until floorboards then he's not looking after them properly. Second, the fact he knew you were coming and still didn't get on top of so much as cleaning skids off the toilet says that being with you is not motivation enough.

He's not in a place for a relationship. He needs to be single and work on himself and you need to consider why you'd want to take this on. You want a teammate and an equal partner, someone who can step up for you. It's one thing to struggle a bit but be tackling it head on and using available support, but it doesn't sound like he's actually doing that. I don't think he's as invested in the relationship as you are.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2025 23:19

Ps can he afford around 2-400 for a cleaning team to do a deep clean? If so then he should do this immediately but it shouldn’t be on you to suggest

Mumtobabyhavoc · 17/08/2025 23:19

Wait. You actually stayed? 🤮
Were you that desperate for a shag?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2025 23:20

Lavender14 · 17/08/2025 23:18

He may have valid reasons for it being the way it is - I'm guessing he's maybe a bit depressed or prone to getting overwhelmed. But a few key things for me - first if his dogs are peeing inside to the point it's soaking until floorboards then he's not looking after them properly. Second, the fact he knew you were coming and still didn't get on top of so much as cleaning skids off the toilet says that being with you is not motivation enough.

He's not in a place for a relationship. He needs to be single and work on himself and you need to consider why you'd want to take this on. You want a teammate and an equal partner, someone who can step up for you. It's one thing to struggle a bit but be tackling it head on and using available support, but it doesn't sound like he's actually doing that. I don't think he's as invested in the relationship as you are.

Or he’s hoping to find a wife slave to sort this mess out for him, and all other messes in his life, for free, forever. No thank you!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2025 23:21

EVHead · 17/08/2025 22:56

Gross.

You're not compatible. He’s not a project for you to fix. This is who he is.

Dump him.

I agree, I did date someone with a home like this without the animals and I believed all his excuses about why it was temporary circumstances to blame… you can all guess what happened when he moved into my home

tara66 · 17/08/2025 23:21

He clearly has no idea of what a 'clean house' is or what 'clean' means. Might show that his home was like that as a child. Black feet you said? Do you really ned to ask?

AlpacaMittens · 17/08/2025 23:22

Nope. Skid marks in toilet?! Not hoovering at all?! Nothing to do with the dogs.

It would have been an absolutely instant no from me, but if you're saying that this guy is so great then in your shoes I guess I'd say to him that either this situation changes as a matter of urgency or the relationship is over.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/08/2025 23:22

Honestly, if someone is coming round to my house, I make sure the bathroom is clean. Even when they’re unlikely to use it. If this guy doesn’t put in that much effort for you at the start of a relationship, he never will.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/08/2025 23:23

Skid marks on the loo are rank

what were the bed sheets like ?

Did they smell nice or were crusty

blondes heaves 🤮🤮

and did you DTD there @merrygoroundsss

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/08/2025 23:24

Oh no, how disappointing, it would be a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't live like that, or be interested in teaching him how to stop being a disgusting slob.
His bedsheets are probably crawling.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 17/08/2025 23:24

This is him on his best behaviour, having made an effort to 'clean' because you were coming around and he wanted you to think well of him.

Just imagine how much worse it will be when he has got used to you and goes back to his everyday habits that made it look like that.

If he's been there alone for months and he wanted to live in a cleaner home, he'd have at least made some progress by now.

He chooses for it to be like that.

SpecialMilkMonitor · 17/08/2025 23:24

You’ve visited once and have already offered to help him with cleaning the place up.

He saw you coming …

I wonder if he keeps the dogs so he can insist women he’s in a relationship with spend a lot of time at his home. Possibly too convoluted, but look how you’ve been sucked in …

If you really want to continue having sex with this probably germ-laden individual, you can make some demands too. Like never ever visiting his house again. Ever.

That includes never, ever dog sitting for him. Which will be the next thing …

🤢

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 17/08/2025 23:26

I think when a person’s been living with a mess for a while they stop seeing it. He may genuinely not notice the state of the toilet. If you want to give the relationship a go tell him you need his house to be properly clean before you visit again. Does he have the money to pay for a cleaner to come in and blitz it? He could do it himself from there, but getting some help to get it clean so that he then just has to maintain it could work. Though maybe he’ll be more inclined to maintain it if he’s done the work to clean it himself. Either way, you’ve got to put your foot down very firmly on this one if you want the relationship to have a chance of working, you’ll just end up massively resenting him if you don’t.

TheOpalReader · 17/08/2025 23:26

If he couldn't be bothered shoving a bit of bleach down the toilet and having a quick hover round I'd never be going back. If you stayed with this guy long term you'd have to live in that, either his place or your place once he's moved in and made himself nice at home, poo stains and all.

Daughterofthesea · 17/08/2025 23:27

Red flags all over. It’s a non-starter.
I’m sorry OP.

boredwithfoodprob · 17/08/2025 23:28

This sounds so awful. I’m a bit of a clean freak too and am willing to accept people with lower standards - a bit of dog hair, not particularly tidy, a few dirty dishes etc BUT actual grime and dirt especially in the bathroom is absolutely off putting and it’s symbolic for other areas of his personality. It’s also about respect - if I have guests, even just a play date for my child I make sure that the loo is clean, I’ve hoovered and tidied a bit and made the house look welcoming because it’s a normal thing to do before having people into your home.

you’re not compatible!

valentinka31 · 17/08/2025 23:28

no way
terrible

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/08/2025 23:28

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!
This one issue is a huge issue.
Disgusting skids. 🤢
You have very low standards convincing yourself he's great.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/08/2025 23:31

No way.

KOALABEAR12 · 17/08/2025 23:31

PartingGift · 17/08/2025 22:58

You stayed the night in his house with dog hair everywhere and shit stains on the loo? You shared a bed with his filthy feet? Did he shower before bed? What were his sheets like?

i don’t have OCD, but there’s no way I could sleep somewhere like that.

This