New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

I think it would be wise to call time now rather than a couple of months down the line when you further involved.

The fact he didnt even clean the toilet and also not picking up dog poo in garden. Id be just as wary as the fact he is happy to have pets in those conditions, dogs can get worms/eye infections/skin infections etc

🤢🤢🤢

I feel for you OP!! My ex’s parents house was vile. Used to break out in hives when I stayed. It’s horrible staying in a gross house! You two are not compatible. When me and DH first moved in, he was a bit messy but he was used to living at home - so we worked it out. We almost split up over it though! He was by no means dirty, but even a small discrepancy in cleanliness can doom a relationship. If he really liked you, he would have hired a cleaner.

I’m scruffy and not the cleanest and this would still be a massive no. The dog hair everywhere and garden covered in dog shit would be a deal breaker.

Ewww yuck!

No. Just no.

He's not great. He's filthy and disgusting.

You can do better than this.

The description of his house
Has made me feel ah beastie.
Ne Scottish expression.

I don't have OCD and this would make my skin crawl. I couldn't cope with it, definitive deal breaker for me. It doesn't put him in a good light, if he can't be arsed to clean shit of the toilet the first time you visit how lazy will he be when you are more serious? How much of a burden would he be if you lived together?

You stayed in this mess? What was the bed like??
And I would never ever go back personally, plus I couldnt ever be with someone this unhygenic.

"If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs."
Or, he arranges for the dogs to be cared for.

"I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean."
But it's not clean, so you do mind. I would mind too; I would have boaked at his toilet and run out the front door screaming.

"I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl."
So don't do it!

"I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue."
Actions speak louder than words. It's oh so easy to say you're trying to do something, harder to actually do it. Also, ask yourself - why do you feel terrible? It's going to boil down to not wanting to hurt his feelings, isn't it? Why are his feelings more important than yours? His house is filthy, thinking about being there is making your skin crawl, that matters. It matters a damned sight more than Mr Filthy realising being filthy is off-putting to normal people.

"But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess."
There's a quote - 'When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time.' He's shown you who he is. He is a man who is content to sit in filth. Believe him.

"WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!"
Is it one issue? I see several separate, albeit related, issues.

1. His house is filthy. It didn't start filthy, he let it get that way.
2. The filth doesn't bother him, certainly not enough to clean it up.
3. He thinks it acceptable to have a toilet with "skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too". The dogs didn't make that mess, that's all his own work.
4. He keeps dogs in these filthy conditions, which I consider cruel. Particularly all the dogshit in the garden - it suggests they don't get walked properly, just let out into the garden. They'll be struggling to find a clear patch to shit in, which can be distressing for the dog. It's cruel.
5. This is a new relationship, at this point most people are trying to impress their new partner. If he thinks saying he's trying but demonstrating he's not is going to impress you, he doesn't think that much of you, does he?

"WTF do I do" - you wave him goodbye. This is as good as he's going to be, and it's stomach-turning. His house will always be stomach-turning. A relationship with him is purely for the masochists amongst us.

Just no, OP. No. You need to dump him. This is intolerable.

Anyone can clean a house, even if he never learnt there are u tube videos/books etc.
He choses to live like this, he is a unclean person.
You are not, unless you want to clean his house and clean up after him you need to end it.

Oh God, OP. I'm not the tidiest and I have a dog - but I couldn't deal with that, I just couldn't. I wouldn't be able to go near his house, or him for that matter, ever again.

The first time I stayed over at my now dh’s flat he bought a new bottle of ketchup because his current ketchup ‘looked a mess’😂 . Op, this man will never clean up his shithole, never. Most people , yes even men, in fact especially men, will actually tidy AND clean if they want to impress somebody. He didn’t want to impress you, he didn’t care enough to impress you by allowing you in fact SHOWING you no DISPLAYING to you his shit, his actual shit. That’s how much he feels he needs to impress you. He knows he’s hooked you so he doesn’t have to try, and he’s correct, because already you’re wondering how to put it right without hurting his feelings. He’s got eyes presumably? He mentioned it so he knows! You’re fucked if you stay with him. He’s just tested what you will accept and it’s apparently very little. You can do one of two things, you can tell him very bluntly and in as few words as possible that he is a filthy pig who is adulting poorly it’s not attractive and he needs to pay for a deep clean before you you will ever set foot in his house or allow him into yours again. Or you can just say “we want different things , I want an adult and you can’t be one “ and walk away . But do not continue to see somebody so disrespectful useless and fucking lazy . You can and will do better.

Just reading this has made me feel sick.

You’re a saint for even staying the night and agreeing to staying again next week! And for offering to help him…
Skidders in the loo though!? That’s just pure lazy and disgusting, there’s no excuse for that at all.

I have no advice other than if you
really
REALLY
r e a l l y
like the guy then you should be brutally honest and tell him about your feelings. It might give him a kick up the butt, or you’ll realise you can do better.

Best of luck, whatever you choose to do!

There will also be lots and lots of other men out there who are lovely and that you have lots in common with and hit it off with , that also live like normal people and are more aligned with your values and standards. Imagine having one of those!!

When I get together with a guy and want him to talk dirty, it doesn't mean that I want him and his home to be dirty.

Seriously OP, there's something very wrong with a man who can live in this level of squalor and filth. And not your job to fix it. He couldn't even summon up enough respect for you to clean the stinking toilet!

Fucking hell, the idea of shagging there and having breakfast the next day 🤮

Dump, because he is happy living that way.

Or, if you want to waste years of your life waiting for him to (never) sort himself out before inevitably feelong you've invested too much time to give up and move in and then spend you life cleaning up after him, you could just see less of eachother.

You'd be mad to go deeper (at all) but especially bonkers to do it while he's happy living in that mess. Don't you think he should spend more time cleaning up instead of seeing you? Even just for the sake of the dogs who get no say about living in squalor?

I don't have OCD and absolutely no way would I so much as sit down in such a filthy hole, much less spend the night.
Sounds absolutely disgusting.

I couldn’t handle this. It says so much to me about the person behind the mess. Lazy for a start, which I find deeply unattractive. I have pets and kids and my house isn’t perfect but I always try to keep on top of it.

I'm always amazed at the amount of people, mainly men in my experience but by no means exclusively, who live this way. I would be very wary about this - he may give the impression just now of trying to get it under control but he could also very well gradually start to rope you into it and it's really not your responsibility.

For your own health, you can't stay there. Untidy is one thing, unclean to this extent is another. I sadly know someone very well who lives this way, including dogs, and it's exhausting for the people around him.

You lost me at skid marks 🤢 he must know this is gross and you're bound to see it! It doesn't sound like he tried actually. I get things can get cluttered, dog hairs around etc but this just sounds nasty. Pure unhygienic and I would loose attraction over seeing him in this light.

No.

If you ever got a place together it would be you doing everything. He’s lazy.

I couldn't be dealing with that. I think if a person's home is dirty it extends to all aspects of their lives. Imagine sleeping over, he probably hasn't changed the sheets in months.

Digs are messy yes but plenty of people including myself can still maintain a clean and tidy house.

This is a mental health issue, and animal hoarding.
Just no, he's presenting you with a thin façade, his true self is expressed very clearly in his home.