New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

We are always told 'there is someone out there for everyone', I don't believe that's true. I don't think some people are fit for the dating pool, everyone deserves love, but not necessarily in the way our society has led us to understand romantic relationships.
He has shit he needs to sort out first. I am neurodivergent and struggle with cleaning and tidying so I have genuine empathy for this guy, but I wouldn't expect others to tolerate that.
Certain things could make this work, but you regularly staying at his house is not one of them. it could work if it was

• a 'part time hours' relationship, he stays at yours one night a week so his dogs aren't neglected
• He accepts he can't do this on his own, if he has the means pays a professional, and allows others that care about him to help him, refusing help is a big issue
• He finds someone equally as blind to the filth as him
• In addition, if he can't adequately care for animals and himself he shouldn't have animals

If he has genuine issues he needs to identify what they are, psychological, executive functioning, etc. and then go on to work on those issues. Till he does this, he really should stay out of the dating pool.

Might be a starting point if he wants help

https://www.apdo.co.uk/find-an-organiser.html

Oh gosh, I’m fairly unfussy about mess but that sounds gross.

I would be direct with him and tell him you’re ending it due to his low hygiene standards.

🤮🤮🤮🤮

I can just imagine he’s got wafer-thin, yellowed pillows too. Raise the bar, OP, this man is foul!

Is his house tidy?

the only reason I ask is my DH is an absolutely fantastic guy, extremely tidy, lived on his own for a while and well versed in domestic life, he does more cleaning, cooking and laundry etc than any guy I know, the house is very much shared responsibility, I never have to ask him to do things let alone have to nag, and there is nothing he won't get involved in.. but his standards of 'clean' are quite frankly terrible, for instance I don't think he's ever cleaned a skirting board in his life, he's 100% a 'surface' cleaner, wipes around things instead of moving them etc.. 10 years on and we make an extremely good team, except I have to do the "proper" cleaning or it wouldn't get done, the house was thick in dust in places and it's like he doesn't even 'see' it or care that it is like that.

I accept that it is just the difference in standards and have never set out to change him, I don't have show home standards and am way more messy than he is, but if he wasn't as good domestically as he is I would not tolerate being the only one doing the proper cleaning, it's only fine because our distribution of chores is even.

In some ways it's a good thing you've seen it, he is showing you exactly who he is, it's up to you if you can tolerate it. The thing that would be concerned me most is the dog shit, we've got dogs and it's just disrespectful to leave all that lying around, stinking out the place, unless it was a couple of fresh piles it is grim to leave it lying around for neighbours to smell, guests to look at etc and dogs to trample in and potentially trample indoors.

And the fact that he didn't even clean the toilet of shit stains means he may be too far gone for things to work out, just remember, he will never change, it's you that has to accept it or not.

He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time.

Cobblers! He could have made it much better in a couple of hours but he didn't. You weren't worth two hours of his time. So don't give him any more of yours.

That’s nothing to do with ocd. That’s completely gross and I wouldn’t be staying there or continuing in that relationship.

The man lives in squalor. It’s probably why his ex left.

He knew you were coming to his house and didn’t even clean the toilet bowl.

That’s nasty.

I used to have two dogs and a cat and the floor was immaculate because we used to run the Roomba many times during the day. It was the best for getting up fur.

There are minimum things you do when you live in a house/flat. It takes zero effort to run bleach in the toilet.

If you run out of bleach you can use a kitchen spray.

He doesn’t clean poop off his toilet. He poops and leaves it. That’s a massive mental health issue.

You can’t be with this guy. Imagine if you have children?? He can’t even look after himself!

Honestly it’s made me feel a bit sick just reading all of that, I could not have stayed or even gotten intimate. Skid marks, wtf? He is making light remarks to change, it will never happen

A house this bad might speak to mental-health issues, such as depression. I think you should talk to him about that. What he says might surprise you.

He might have hoarder tendencies. Nine dogs would indicate so.

I'm sorry OP, but I think this is a deal-breaker, if he doesn't get some serious help. Your life will be made insanely hard if you take this issue on. And even without the cleanliness issue, this is someone who is OK living with 9 dogs. I would NOT be OK with that many dogs. He might have 2 now, but is that number going to explode?

And even if he had a clean house and only ever 1 dog, he's the kind of person that lets their dogs sleep in their bed! I would hate a partner who does this; I think it's foul and also invites the dog to think that the human is part of the pack and that they need guarding. Dog psychology is that they need to know they are in the pack and that the owner is the leader of the pack. That's why dogs should only ever get on the sofa at the invitation of the owner and should not sleep in the bed. They should not be treated as equivalent to humans, because that way lies trouble, such as the dog growling at a partner.

YMMV OP, but I would throw this one back.

Imagine the bed sheets 😱

Yep. Desperate for a shag.
OP, you are worth more than this.
No, he's not a great guy.

I would be wary to be too enthusiastic about how wonderful he is. I would tread carefully and see if he gets his act together.

He may want to stay at your place more which to me is a red flag at the start of a relationship (starts off one-sided). He will be eating more from your fridge, using your facilities and enjoying more of a clean environment (no doubt nice meals and snacks provided by yourself). He doesn’t have to lift a finger. Ugh.

It is fair at the start that you both enjoy visiting each other’s places and can be comfortable in both environments.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. No way could I be intimate with someone who lived in filth, even if I never had to go to his house!

I read your title alone and thought “walk away”. I then read your post. I still say “walk away”.
he’s not a project you can fix.

If his house is that dirty he’s that dirty and his clothes are that dirty. As in DIRTY.

Nope, nope, nope. He’s ‘trying to sort it’, but the problem is that he let it get into that state in the first place.
And actually, expecting you to use the toilet in its current state is massively disrespectful. Not to mention disgusting, obviously.
Doesn’t he smell?

Just to add a bit of humour...

@merrygoroundsssOP this is a serious health hazard. You are putting your health at serious risk by staying with this man. However lovely you feel he is.