New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

She has a family of mice behind her fridge (theyve been living there as long as ive known her,appox 10 years) and has done nothing about them (bar buy herself a kitten who is useless)

Shes never cleaned her dogs bowl out (if I have a dog to stay,the bowls get cleaned as soon as they are finished) but she just dumps the new food on top of the dirty

I once saw her,on a really hot day (could have been the heatwave of 2022) open and then dump a tin of wet dog food on top of what he hadn't eaten with the meal before (this was pre kitten)

I don't know how long it had been sat there,but it was crawling with maggots

She thought this was funny

I did contact the rspca but they didn't want to know

Shes the only person I know,that while the beast from the east was going on her house was crawling with flies

I cant go round as her house anymore as it makes me heave-I met her at work with is food retail and she now works as a cleaner

And believe me,I'm far from houseproud

Oh man, if you want to give this a chance, you're going to have to tell him you need it to be a LOT cleaner before you're willing to go round there again. Just explain it triggers your OCD and you have had to become very protective of your wellbeing to keep the wheels on the bus. Say to him you don't want it to be a deal breaker but also you don't want to get more attached to each other if this issue can't be addressed. If he seems clueless, give him a list of minimum standards. Clean loo, clean bedding, hoovered floors (even just the bedroom would be a start) clean prep surfaces etc. For context, my house is chaos, but this is the minimum I'd do for guests. He may find it harder than most of he's ADHD or neurodiverse in some other way.

Whoa whoa that's rspca (edit. oh they didn't help ) social services time

Nobody who'd made an effort would leave the toilet so dirty!! I don't think this relationship is sustainable.

If this was true, and you actually had OCD and cleanliness was a trigger, you wouldn't have been able to sleep in that house. Drink or no drink. You wouldn't have been able to do it.

Yes it does. I struggle with executive function. My hygiene with my self and home was mentioned in my own diagnostic report.

People who suffer from poor executive functioning have to try harder, use lists, prioritise small tasks.

I don't have any natural organisational skills, I'm so clumsy, I'm distracted easily, however I trained myself with tricks, my cleaning for an entire song, putting away 5 items before i stop, I make lists.

My mother had poor executive functioning skills, our home wasn't clean, searching for a matching sock every morning, untidy uniform.

My children deserve clean clothing and a clean home with space.

Bins empty, clean dirty dishes, put on one wash is a minimum daily requirement for me.

It is just me here though. No kids. I would not be able to take care of them if I had them anyway. I know that.

I have tried every planner and list and everything under the sun.

Can you apply for any home support?
Sounds really difficult. 🥰

I have support from my mum and boyfriend anyway. I would prefer that to help from a stranger.

I wouldn’t have to scrub my skin until I bleed after I leave a house this filthy 🤮

So what you’re saying is I’m a liar, I haven’t been diagnosed and I don’t have OCD? Ok.

Don’t get derailed OP. There are lots of other posts on here giving you advice. You haven’t responded to any of those.

I don't have OCD and I wouldn't have stayed.

What have you decided? Are you going to keep seeing someone who likes living in squalor?

What are you going to do OP? You probably feel mean if you dump him but it won't be easy to continue with him and this terrible house despite his 'loveliness'. In your place I think I'd end it, saying that 'this doesn't work for me, good luck for the future, etc' and say goodbye.

He has a deep-seated problem and he has to admit it and want to do something about it and then take action. He has to do this himself. You will end up being his cleaner and his therapist and I'm sure you deserve better.

My partner's house is clean and generally tidy. Even so, I'm reluctant to go because his sofa is uncomfortable! I don't know how you could even contemplate carrying on the relationship if it means visiting (or cleaning up) a dirt and dog infested house.

This.

It might be worth you looking into funded carers. Get yourself a package you are happy with, with the support of mum and bf. I imagine your mum is getting older, at some point her own health will inevitably mean she can’t care for you. Likewise bf can’t be relied on as a sole carer. Better to take that ownership for your own care now in gradual stages with support of mum and bf

Mumsnet algorithms points out a link to this earlier AIBU to a poster who ends up co opted to tidying her boyfriends flat every time she goes round

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5318599-to-ask-my-boyfriend-to-clean-his-apartment-before-i-come-round?page=12

"...now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night."...

This.
It is right that "He has a deep-seated problem and he has to admit it and want to do something about it and then take action."
If he cares about op and wants her to visit, one might think this would encourage him to do something about his house - but this seems difficult for him and he appears to need professional help. It's no good being in denial about this.

This sounds utterly horrendous op. I would not be able to sit down there let alone get naked in his bed! It would be a deal breaker for me. He was testing you, getting you round with skids in the toilet, you stayed and even agreed to go back another time! 🚩 jesus, id have had to shower myself down and burn my clothing when i got home. Yuck