New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

I am a woman and am filthy. I am autistic and don't see the dirt I am living in. My house all works and is functional so I dont care about the rest. I am getting help with it though.

So please dont think it is just men that are like this. It is women too.

I’d run a mile. Can’t bear filth. You said his feet were black - is he clean ‘bodily’ otherwise?

He's looking for a woman to tidy up for him. Leave him to his cesspit, op. Life is too short to clean a lazy bastard's dirty toilet.

It was nothing to do with parenting. My mother taught me nothing. His mother died when he was ten.

OP you are a better woman than me for not walking straight back out the door. He is probably so used to the grimy filthy home that he just doesn't see it.
I'm currently on the 'brush & vac every day to get the dog fur off the floor' - they've started their autumn moult(!) and I'm sure that it would be easier to vacuum the dogs and cut out the middleman. Other than water bowls and the dogs themselves, there's no evidence of them because we clean after them and they know to toilet outside.
This man needs to wake up to the state he and the dogs are living in. As a minimum he needs to get a cleaner in to do a Very Deep Clean. Get the place to an acceptable minimum standard of cleanliness and then he might stand a chance of keeping it that way. I guarantee though, if you progress with this relationship, it will be you doing the cleaning.
I think the state of the home reflects wider issues of chaos and hygiene. You've probably not seen this side of things yet. It'll come.

Mothers aren’t the only parents.

I also don’t get why being in your 20s means never having had to do housework.

Yuk - deal breaker for me I’m afraid!

Ugh makes me feel ick

Exactly this. Also its 2025 plenty of You Tube videos on how to scrub your toilet or best ways of getting rid of pet hair. There really isn't an excuse of I didn't get taught.

My god i couldnt have stayed there the night
Id have to spell it out for him, you like him and would like to continue a relationship BUT until he sorts his house out and gets it up to a bare minimum clean standard AT LEAST you cant go there and wont be staying there
The whole place sounds bloody disgusting.i hate shitty toilets and those who dont clean them
You dont even need to scrub with a brush a quick wipe round and a good squirt of bleach round the inside everyday and leave it to soak in
Next flush it will be right as rain
Cant u understand why people cant do this simple task
Hoovering too why do men mop without hoovering first and dont get me started on hanging out washing
Are they really all incapable or do they just not care and want to be scruffy bastards
Arghhhhhh!!!!!

Dealbreaker for me.

This is not just one small thing. A clean environment is so much better for your mental health. Failing to clean before you arrived shows a lack of respect for you.

Looking to the future, I would never want to go to his house again and certainly would never move in with him. So why bother continuing?

that's disgusting. No amount of love could make me love his filth.

Yuck OP. Don't you have any standards?

If someone shows you who they are, believe them.

This is his true nature and his 'set point'.

He may make an effort to tidy up for you but everything he does will be from this 'set point' and it'll feel like an effort to him to get it to anything like an acceptable level.

Another man child.

There really are rick pickings of these types of men up and down the land, dare i say it, the globe.

Mothers and fathers really need to do better and teach their sons to clean from a young age. Yes, the fucking toilet bowl.

I dont know, ,......when we first got together my other half mistook the wardrobe opposite my bed for the bathroom after a few to many drinks and i caught him pissing into it
He never did it again
And we are still together 12 years on...

I think @Amazingstoke is on to something here. This reminded me i was with someone who was an alcoholic going by the amount he consumed. In 1 year we were ‘together’ he never invited me to his place as it was dirty. He never had time to clean up. Despite not having a job or anything that would consume his time otherwise.

That would explain a lot.

Yuk. Just say your not interested unless he cleans up his act. Hes a new man, so why stay? You cant be that invested. Sounds disgusting.

Well as my name might suggest, this would be a no for me.

There is no way I could relax in a place like this or fancy someone who can.

It sounds absolutely disgusting. My in-laws have nine dogs and you would be hard pressed to find a hair on the floor and your feet definitely wouldn’t turn black walking around.

Let’s call this out for what it is. This man is deeply unhygienic and deeply unconcerned with cleanliness.

Your move….

This woman has not cleaned her loo or wiped down a surface in over 35 years???????? WTAF?????

Some women get home cooked meals and foot rubs in their prospective partners homes, in the early days, when the bloke is eager to impress. You've been left wondering which piss smells are human and which are animal, all the which with the vague expectation that you should somehow be grateful because he's tried 😂Oh dear OP. If he really is perfect in every other way, just be brutally honest. If he gives his head a wobble and realises how far his standards have slipped, then gets off his arse to get it clean (and keep it clean), I might consider carrying on dating him. If he is grudging or "bewildered" or only gives it half a go, I'd end it sooner rather than later. It's not even like you can keep it casual long term, and not move in together, because you'll be there with the dogs anyway...

You are not compatible. Flee before you waste more time investing in non starter. This person is not "adulting" successfully yet. You deserve so much more than a project

Not sure if this has been said, but I wouldn’t take him at his word that he’s going to sort it out. Now that you’ve gone back again you’ve sort of told him you’re ok with it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t bother.

When I moved in to my house, my next door neighbour’s garden was a bit of a state. I didn’t really think much of it. When I met the neighbour the first thing he said to me was that he was going to sort it out and hadn’t got round to it since his wife left him. I then realised it was quite bad (I hadn’t really paid any attention until he drew my attention). Then found out from my other neighbour his wife had left years ago. I’ve been here 4 years and my neighbour’s house and garden have only got worse. He doesn’t open the door to anyone ever because he’s so ashamed of it. But it still keeps getting worse.

Maybe see if he’d consider paying a cleaner to do some deep cleans to get the house back to where it should be?

I am sorry OP but I can’t believe you’re even acknowledging him as your “new man” after reading what can only be described as putrescence of the highest order.