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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man’s house is filthy

605 replies

merrygoroundsss · 17/08/2025 22:53

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

OP posts:
TwoTuesday · 18/08/2025 21:21

I am not diagnosed with OCD and I would find this disgusting. Unless he can clean up and keep it clean, I would not be going back. Help him if you want to, but he could backslide even if you do get it to a tolerable state. I would tell him how I feel. It's not just a bit messy.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 18/08/2025 21:22

Nope. End it now. You'll just be wasting your time to carry on seeing him - it will soon become a deal breaker.

Gremlins101 · 18/08/2025 21:28

I can deal with, and can even sometimes be guilty of, my fair share of grubbiness, but your description of his house made me feel quite unwell.

I used to be much messier than now and be completely unable to keep my house properly presentable but id still never have a date over to a dirty toilet... and the black feet after walking on the floors... I couldn't share a bed with him after seeing them 🤢

Lickedthespoon · 18/08/2025 21:30

What a shame as he sounds perfect. It would unfortunately put me off instantly 😔

Gremlins101 · 18/08/2025 21:31

To add a constructive suggestion, if you reeeeaaaally like him, id be 100% honest with him. Do not offer to help, just tell him you can't abide the state of his house, he either stays at yours, or he sorts it out on his own fast. Explain its a deal breaker for you.

JHound · 18/08/2025 21:38

Alexa51 · 18/08/2025 20:28

I'm going to offer a different perspective here. My Dad was a bit like this - his house was absolutely gross - dog hairs everywhere/ everywhere very unclean even though he had always spent some time cleaning before I went round. He wasn't a lazy person in the slightest - in fact the complete opposite - extremely hardworking in his job/ DIY projects around the house. He just really really struggled with his organisation and didn't have the first clue when it came to cleaning..I think sometimes, when people have a lot of dogs they just stop noticing all the hair etc. I think he just needs a bit of help from you to clean up his act a bit..I can see it's off-putting but give him a chance and try and help him to get organised.

Jesus Christ women are not there to train useless men!

IsItWickedNotToCare · 18/08/2025 21:42

Absolutely not!!! Just couldn't put up with they level of grim.

Emma6cat · 18/08/2025 21:44

I dated a man whose house was gross. Cat litter tray stench everywhere even on him. Vile beyond words. Had to get rid of him. Current husband lived in a shit tip, moved in with me, now follows my rules. I am very house proud and cant abide mess and muck, I have him well trained. It can work

Reignonyourparade · 18/08/2025 21:46

I think that because you have OCD, you might be minimising your reaction, you know you can get triggered and this is problematic, but here, no, your reaction is standard. He’s a dirty pig.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/08/2025 22:00

Alexa51 · 18/08/2025 20:28

I'm going to offer a different perspective here. My Dad was a bit like this - his house was absolutely gross - dog hairs everywhere/ everywhere very unclean even though he had always spent some time cleaning before I went round. He wasn't a lazy person in the slightest - in fact the complete opposite - extremely hardworking in his job/ DIY projects around the house. He just really really struggled with his organisation and didn't have the first clue when it came to cleaning..I think sometimes, when people have a lot of dogs they just stop noticing all the hair etc. I think he just needs a bit of help from you to clean up his act a bit..I can see it's off-putting but give him a chance and try and help him to get organised.

He doesn’t need a bit of help from the OP! Why on earth is it her job?

He needs to make an effort for her, not put his problems on her shoulders.

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/08/2025 22:02

Unless you want your life to be constantly cleaning up after this man then you need to end things.

RogueFemale · 18/08/2025 22:04

@merrygoroundsss I've read all your posts, I've not read most of the replies, just the first few. It sounds like the new man has a lot of positive qualities. Also, a fair number of men (including good men) have near to zero idea about cleaning and cleanliness, sometimes also personal hygiene. You don't say how old you are - in my experience, the dirtiest men with filthy toilets were always young.

It's up to you what you decide to do. I doubt you can change him to female standards but it sounds like he understands the problem but just is being Useless Man and not taking it all that seriously. That's the most annoying thing about it. So I think you need to make it really really clear and read the riot act, that he has to clean up and if he doesn't it's goodbye.

Charlize43 · 18/08/2025 22:05

Just break it to him gently why you are not compatible by buying an aerosol and spraying a big black cross on his house/flat front door along with the words 'Unclean'.

Vile. I can't believe you slept there! The doggy smell and dog piss smell would have had me gagging... 🤑

Letitgoooletitgooo · 18/08/2025 22:06

This is beyond a bit messy / disorganised. This is a mental health and poor hygiene issue plus laziness/ sloth. One of the 7 deadly sins 🤢 He’s disgusting. Don’t subject yourself to his filth and squalor. He has shown you who he is (filthy squalid sloth). Believe him. He’s an insult to poor sloths 🦥

Lotsnlotsoflove · 18/08/2025 22:16

I mean...he is testing boundaries now, maybe not consciously, but he is showing you who he is: someone who allows his dogs to piss in his home, and doesn't clean it up before it soaks into the floorboards!!! Someone who doesn't clean his own shit off the toilet before a guest who he wants to impress visits his home. Unless he is 25 years old, I would say this behaviour is not going to improve with time, and is not 'one small thing' — it is loads of disgusting living habits that if you progress the relationship, will consume your life in one way or another. If I were you, I'd probably cool things now because, as you said, he has a day off work with a house that disgusting and his priority is not 'sorting it', but allowing it to get worse. Honestly, sticky surfaces accumulate over years, so this is ingrained filth. And dogs are no excuse, I have lived with dogs all my life, and while you have to accept certian things (your house will smell somewhat of dog, whatever you do), you can also be clean and hygienic with dogs in the home.

RogueFemale · 18/08/2025 22:16

Moonlightfrog · 18/08/2025 21:19

If he can’t put the effort in to tidy his house it’s likely he won’t put much effort into a relationship either. I can cope with untidy but not dirty……leaving the toilet in that state when your new girlfriend is coming over just shows that he doesn’t really give a f#ck.

In my late 20s, I met the love of my life, also late 20s. He was clean in his person, had a good job, lived in a flat share with another bloke. The bathroom at the flat was horrendous. Toilet brown on the inside, the bath caked with grime. I'm sorry to say that I cleaned it. That was young me. However, the man in question wasn't a horror filth merchant, just young, just never had to do housework, and when we eventually lived together he wasn't a slattern.

Amazingstoke · 18/08/2025 22:17

merrygoroundsss · 18/08/2025 00:57

Thanks for all your comments. I'm still working my way through them.

I actually managed to stay after having quite a lot to drink! We went to the pub and by the time we got back home, I was pretty tipsy which definitely made it easier. I left early this morning.

I'm not sure who asked this, but I’m guessing the urine smell in the bathroom is from the dogs. I don’t think it’s from him. The landing between the bathroom and bedrooms also has the same smell and I doubt he’s pissing in the hallway (you never know though I suppose). The dogs have free reign and go wherever they want.

I actually managed to stay after having quite a lot to drink!

Google “alcoholic squalor”

JHound · 18/08/2025 22:20

Emma6cat · 18/08/2025 21:44

I dated a man whose house was gross. Cat litter tray stench everywhere even on him. Vile beyond words. Had to get rid of him. Current husband lived in a shit tip, moved in with me, now follows my rules. I am very house proud and cant abide mess and muck, I have him well trained. It can work

Why did you not train the first one?

Rosesanddaffs · 18/08/2025 22:20

@merrygoroundsss sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me.

Black feet and wading in dried dog piss is just gross.

Sounds like he’s just making excuses, it doesn’t take long to clean, he could easily tackle one room at a time but I think he has no intention to xx

JHound · 18/08/2025 22:23

RogueFemale · 18/08/2025 22:16

In my late 20s, I met the love of my life, also late 20s. He was clean in his person, had a good job, lived in a flat share with another bloke. The bathroom at the flat was horrendous. Toilet brown on the inside, the bath caked with grime. I'm sorry to say that I cleaned it. That was young me. However, the man in question wasn't a horror filth merchant, just young, just never had to do housework, and when we eventually lived together he wasn't a slattern.

Show quote history

Parents are really failing of somebody in their 20s has never had to do housework. How come
you knew what to do he he did not.

Whatshesaid96 · 18/08/2025 22:26

I heard something on the radio the other day, not entirely sure to how true it is just to add. However apparently 30% of single men do not change their bedsheets less than every 4 weeks. I would imagine with your guy he is probably part of that 30%. I dread to think when things like that were done if even the basics of scrubbing a toilet aren't done.

Run for the hills

gamerchick · 18/08/2025 22:26

Crystal ball into your living together future this OP. Have fun

Imbusytodaysorry · 18/08/2025 22:27

@merrygoroundsss 1000% it would be the end .
come on op he’s sorting it ? By having a lazy day!
the basics would have been hoover , mop . Clean toilet and dog poo lifted .

There is no future here .
You shouldn’t be cleaning his place but he should . Can you imagine this getting serious and living with him ?

layingwoody · 18/08/2025 22:28

Skid marks in the toilet????? But he knew you were coming? Why did he not have the decency to clean his skid marks beforehand? 🤢 😮 don’t offer to help clean either, it will be a slippery slope of him not respecting you and seeing you as his skivvy. It will become expected of you to clean after him.

MyDadWasAnArse · 18/08/2025 22:30

Whatshesaid96 · 18/08/2025 22:26

I heard something on the radio the other day, not entirely sure to how true it is just to add. However apparently 30% of single men do not change their bedsheets less than every 4 weeks. I would imagine with your guy he is probably part of that 30%. I dread to think when things like that were done if even the basics of scrubbing a toilet aren't done.

Run for the hills

Edited

I'd bet this guy has had the same bedsheets on since Christmas.