New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

Neighbour has a bit of self awareness.

How overgrown is it. Are there abandoned cars in there like they Keep finding in Bangers and Csh

I wonder if she actually sat on the black toilet😱

Dumped the pig already?

Yes

When I met her,she seemed 'normal' enough (sorry if that offends anyone)

She invited me back and I was nearly sick-you could smell her house from down the street

I've never seen anything so filthy in my life,the dirt was inches thick,the windows where so thick with dirt,you couldn't see in or out and the dust made me gag

I was bursting to use the loo (when I have to go,I really have to go,I can't hold it and for the first time in my life,i hovered)

I'm not snob (i swear) and can be a bit lax with my own housework (I've never cleaned my skirting boards,my windowsills need another dust and behind my TV needs a mop) but this was another level

I could smell her house on me after two showers and a change of pyjamas

Best bit?

Shes a cleaner...!

There is no such thing as being "OCDish". It is a serious mental illness

What utter rubbish. I have OCD "tendencies". I keep it under control. I'm 55 now and my mother (if she was still alive) would tell you about the weird OCD things I have been doing since toddler hood. Repetitive things that I had to do, or everyone would die. I still do them now. No one would ever know, because I keep it a secret. I say OCD tendencies because I don't let it ruin my life. For me it's not about cleanliness though, it's about rituals. I could list the things I do, but I'd sound utterly batshit, so I'll spare the details.

Noooooooo!!!! Gosh that is awful how can anyone live like that

If it would have 'taken a bit of time' he could have done it before he met you. He might improve it temporarily, but this is who he is.

Perhaps the wife was the one who did the garden (along with the rest of the house). She probably left because he was a lazy scruff.

So it's " utter rubbish" that OCD is a serious mental illness?

So serious a mental illness that it is ranked 10th in the leading causes of disability by the WHO???

Insistence on reducing it to "tendencies"?

I'm not arguing here to be pedantic.
There is massive misinformation and misunderstanding about this disorder. Millions literally suffer for years without diagnosis or help because they do not look for help in the right places as they do not recognise what they have as OCD .... because it is still continually portrayed on SM as a "quirk" "tendencies" almost a personality trait.

If you have "controlled" OCD without years of trying different SSRIs till you find the right one, years of the wrong therapy (precisely because it's so misunderstood, so many therapists still don't have enough knowledge) without passing through psychiatrists and psychologists, then good for you.

But reducing it to " tendencies" and being utterly dismissive of a post describing the reality of sufferers then you show yourself as utterly lacking in empathy for OCD sufferers

It has piles of rubbish that attract rats. We have seen dead rats just lying in the open that just get left there. When we moved in, I thought he needn’t make excuses to me - his garden wasn’t affecting me. But after a while it did start to affect us. Anyway, my point was that actions speak louder than words.

Surely the poor dogs are being neglected - they are living in filth.

He can choose to live in squalor - they don't get a choice.

Please report this to the RSPCA

This is a no from me too. I can’t get past that he thinks a filthy loo is acceptable. I could just about accept that he is used to the smell of the dog urine but the dirt and hair everywhere says he standards are completely different to yours. Even if he only ever came to you you will spend your time cleaning up after him. You deserve better!

Main themes of this thread so far

1. posters (including me) prefacing every post with "I'm messy and disorganised but ...".
   I wonder if it would ever be men who would tend to preface a post with that. It i guess never becomes such an overwhelming character fault to be a messy male than a messy woman. I'm generally #proTat #ProClutter

2. freelance OCD diagnosis truthing

There's at least one episode of a cleaner 🪥 🫧 being featured on How Clean Is Your House.

I think it's one where they find the mouse skeleton

posters (including me) prefacing every post with "I'm messy and disorganised but ..."

I wonder if this is because cleaning threads tend to go vv weird on MN with people declaring "Omg if you don't change your sheets three times a day you are literally disgusting and your house must be crawling with germs!"

They're trying to add perspective and show they have a fairly normal or on the messy side starting point.

Your house will be like his if you move in with him. It’s a big no.

Saying 'OCD tendencies' isn't reducing the severity of OCD. There isn't a distinct dividing line between OCD and not OCD. Saying 'tendencies' helps us to understand how the OP feels- she likes to keep things clean and tidy and can be a bit obsessive about it.

There actually is a diagnostic criteria.

And your last sentence is a clear example of everything I've said so far.
I like to keep things clean and tidy. I can be obsessive about it. I can be obsessive about loads of things. I don't have OCD though. Because being a bit obsessive about liking things clean is not OCD.

It is a mental illness where there is a cycle of extremely distressing intrusive thoughts which lead to compulsions, mental or physical that seriously affect the sufferers life.

Some of the most common types are Harm OCD, False Memory OCD, Sensory motor OCD. Then there is POCD.

Nothing like being a neat freak who needs things clean.

We can have tendencies towards all sorts of things - violence, greed, selflessness, depression... Saying it's a 'tendency towards' isn't diminishing the extreme examples or those who've been diagnosed. You don't seem to understand what 'tendency' means.

Sounds pretty severe. I think if he took it seriously he'd have got in a crew to do it.

I do understand perfectly what a tendency towards a personality trait or a certain behaviour is. I have a tendency towards stubbornness. (You may have noticed it)

However I would not expect to see people describe themselves as having a " tendency towards Schizophrenia" because you have a wild imagination and some paranoia in social situations. There's a massive difference between the two.

Or say " I'm a little bit ADHD" because I'm disorganised. Like it's a cute quirk. It's obviously not .

Or " I'm Bi Polar ish" because my mood changes rapidly. These are just examples of things we would never say because a severe mental illness is not having a few personality traits.

Language and education around mental illness, particularly OCD , is important.

I see what you mean. Would it be ok for me to say I have a tendency towards depression? I have been diagnosed more than once in the past. I'm fine now but I recognise the warning signs and have to act to avoid sliding down again (and yes, I know that's not always possible).

But you would still have the fact that he was prepared to live like this and even invite OP in. Someone whose personal standards were so disgusting is not going to change into a person with better ones.

Your boyfriend has effectively forced you to look at his shit. That is not a normal way to treat someone for whom you have romantic feelings, or even basic respect.

I am dating a similar man and I feel your pain! Mine has severe ADHD (yes, diagnosed and medicated, in case they’re coming for me 😂) and this plays a large part in the state of his flat. He hasn’t got dogs thankfully!

With him it is not laziness (although my neurotypical mind finds it hard to process) and he is quite embarrassed about the state of it. The embarrassment then leads to avoiding to deal with the issue, so it gets worse, he gets more embarrassed and a bit of a vicious spiral occurs.

I have no idea how to help him really. I don’t want to nag him, but equally I sometimes need to point out that certain things are a red line for me, and, to be fair, he then makes an effort to change things. (He texted me earlier that he’s booked a deep clean 😂). I helped him once to clean his kitchen but then I decided that I am not his mum and not his cleaner. He’s a grown up and needs to sort his own shit. He knows that if he values this relationship he needs to do certain things. And on the flip side I know I will not change him.
Having said of all of that, I’ve made a shift in my head that my idea of a successful relationship doesn’t necessarily have to include living together and that takes the pressure of, he can be a feral pig in his sty, and I can be in my lovely house. It helps of course that I don’t NEED to stay at his. I occasionally do though and he does make an effort then which is quite sweet.