To seriously judge this man?

[Canyoucreateoneplease]

A colleague of mine’s BIL has had an affair, got his affair partner pregnant, and is now moving to China to be with her. He’s divorcing his wife and leaving behind his three sons, who are 17, 11 and 5.

How can anyone do this? I know affairs happen and lots of people leave their partners, but how can he leave his kids? Colleague is backing him and following her DH’s line that he’s been unhappy for years and his wife is awful, which I completely believe, but leaving behind your kids? I can’t fathom how anyone could do it.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

🙄

Yanbu and I'm now also judging him 🥰

I would not only judge the man but also his colleagues, too.

Poor man, in an unhappy marriage with 3 dc, he clearly had no option but to fall into another woman's vagina, its not like he could have discussed things with his wife or went to couples counselling or worked on his marriage.

It's actually awful that it's unsurprising, men tend to associate kids with the woman they are with, if that love dies then he's not arsed about the kids, I've seen it hundreds of times.

You have no right to judge when you don't know all the details. Simple.

YANBU! I judge him for leaving his 3 kids behind, but it's not even slightly unsurprising. I hope the new relationship works, so no more children are left in the dust ☹️.

I’m not sure he ever really loved his wife wife. He stuck by her when she found out she was pregnant, but has had plenty of affairs over the years. I just can’t wrap my head around leaving the kids. I can’t imagine how they must be feeling.

Of course I can judge.

He's clearly a selfish arse of the highest order. I'm not sure why this is controversial?

It doesn't work that way, does it? Or we'd have to not judge drink drivers and muggers and racists until we were sure we knew every detail of their stories. Sonetimes the one thing we do know about a person is so bad, no detail would prevent us thinking the person was a wrong 'un.

Well, it all sounds like a total longterm mess, if they only stayed together in the first place because of an accidental pregnancy, but then for some reason had two more children, while he was chronically unfaithful. It doesn't sound at all like any kind of happy, stable environment in which to bring up children. Which doesn't make him departing for the other side of the world in any way OK, but suggests a remarkably fucked-up general situation where the base level was him shagging around and only semi-committed to the family, anyway.

I can’t fathom how anyone could do it. You sound genuinely surprised, as if this is the first time you've ever heard of such a thing happening!

Presumably you can understand how he has done it, even though you yourself wouldn't do it.

I lived and worked in China for several years (English, F). The number of guys that would come on a business trip and be unfaithful was unreal. During my 6 years there, with around 20 business trips from male colleagues, I'd believe 16 were unfaithful to their wives. I get your point about leaving his kids - but they do say that many foreigners who move in China are running from something (usually a wife and the hum-drum of home life in the UK or US) or looking for something. Regarding his current kids, it's probably out of sight out of mind for the large part. Obviously bad for the kids thought as they must feel very rejected for his new life and family.

Horrible selfish man. Hopefully karma will bite him on the backside and his wife and children have the last laugh. More fool the ow for thinking that this idiot is a keeper.

It is the first time I’ve heard of a man with a good relationship with three children he’s raised and loved upping sticks to move to the other side of the world without them, yes.

The two older boys aren’t speaking to him and want nothing to do with him. He believes they’ll both move to China when they’re 18.

it is awful and you are right to be shocked. heartbreaking for the boys, especially the younger 2. The mum must be so stressed having to raise them totally solo and now with possible abandonment trauma too.

Why are you so surprised then? He didn’t love her, but stuck by her for the sake of the child. Maybe she was happy to turn a blind eye to his dalliances. He’s now fallen in love with someone and wants to take the chance. It can’t have come as a shock to her, if she knew the score. I can see why he’s done it. Not that I approve, but it’s understandable.

You can’t understand why I’m surprised that he’s leaving his three children to live on the other side of the world?

Why is it they always say the wife who they have been with for years/decades and had multiple children with is sooooo awful... and yet so often they leave her sole responsibility of their children while they swan off to start over.

Not based on what you’ve said, no. It’s not surprising. I think he’s a low-life for leaving his children, but based on what you’ve said about his marriage it’s never been good right from the start. His wife’s probably less shocked than you claim to be.

What details could possibly justify moving to the other side of the world? No matter how miserable the marriage may or may not be, he can leave, stay local and continue to parent his existing children.

He’s clearly checked out of the whole situation, his boys are not important to him.
very sad, especially the 5 year old.

I can’t imagine being this shocked or interested in a colleague’s BIL’s marriage. Why bother speculating on perfect strangers? It’s a waste of mental energy when you know practically nothing about them or their relationship.