To seriously judge this man?

[Canyoucreateoneplease]

A colleague of mine’s BIL has had an affair, got his affair partner pregnant, and is now moving to China to be with her. He’s divorcing his wife and leaving behind his three sons, who are 17, 11 and 5.

How can anyone do this? I know affairs happen and lots of people leave their partners, but how can he leave his kids? Colleague is backing him and following her DH’s line that he’s been unhappy for years and his wife is awful, which I completely believe, but leaving behind your kids? I can’t fathom how anyone could do it.

Is he intending to support his kids financially or will he take advantage of the fact that the UK doesn't have any reciprocal enforcement of maintenance arrangements with China to avoid paying child maintenance?

Why does he think that his older boys will come to live with him in China when they reach the age of 18 if they have stopped speaking to him?

It's breathtakingly selfish to put your sexual desires above your children's need for a present parent. Whatever his issues with his wife, he chose to have three kids with her, and now he's happily moving far away, where he can't reasonably expect to be a meaningful part of their lives. The younger two especially will be damaged by this choice to abandon them.

He could at least have chosen someone who lives in the same country so he wouldn't be moving halfway around the world. It's a shitty thing to do, and no amount of excuse-making can change that.

He's deluded if he thinks young teens, who presumably don't speak Chinese & have been abandoned by their Dad are going to go & live in China.

can he afford to pay for them to visit him frequently?

they're MUCH more likely to say 'fuck you' than to go live there.

He's deluded if he thinks young teens, who presumably don't speak Chinese & have been abandoned by their Dad are going to go & live in China.

can he afford to pay for them to visit him frequently?

they're MUCH more likely to say 'fuck you' than to go live there.

He's quit his job so I’m not sure what money he has to give.

I think he’s trying to ease his own guilt.

I agree. I think it’s likely the relationships never recover.

I disagree. I think we should be more vocally disapproving of shitty behaviour. being intensely insular and disinterested in others behaviour does not a good society make. It allows it to continue. It validates and condones it.

When I met my now exdh he told me that any kids we had would be coming with him if we split up as his first ex wife had taken his kids away from him. Fast Forward 17 years and he is having an affair and I find out and tell him to leave, that was the Monday, on the Tuesday he did come and take the boys who were 7,10 and 13 out for a few hours, he might have taken them for dinner. I was ready for the fight and went to see a lawyer on the Wednesday, heard nothing from him from that Tuesday to the following Tuesday when again he took the boys for a few hours. This carried on for a wee while till I reminded him of the no woman will take my children again talk he had had with me. I had to tell him when he was seeing the boys cause at the time the boys were desperate to see their dad. Now 11 yrs on the now 24 yr old has his own place but does think the sun shines out his dad's butt. The 21 yr old can't be bothered with him and hasn't stayed over with him since he was about 15 and our now 18 yr old still sees him but has to ask permission from his dad's girlfriend if he wants to stay at his dad's at the weekend. He only wants to stay as it means he can get rid work easier.

I do think if I had kept the boys away from him he wouldn't have fought for them but would be telling the world that I was stopping him from seeing them

To China?

Sorry, that's on him

I was talking in general, not about this specific example. But sure, China, it’s possible.

‘I do think if I had kept the boys away from him he wouldn’t have fought for them’

But why would you want to do that?

And he shouldn’t have to fight for them in any case. They’re just as much his children as they are yours.

I wouldn't have kept his children from him but I had to remind him that his children needed him more than a few hours on a Tuesday.

He had said to me he would never have another woman keep him from his children. I now realise that he was never kept from his children, he just never bothered with them and his first wife wasn't that bothered about him having a relationship with his kids

No, it’s not. No one can make you leave your kids to live in China.

Of course it’s possible that someone can make your life a living hell and you decide to move away - whether that’s China or somewhere else.

sure, but then you have left your kids, severed that parenting relationship and cannot expect to be thought well of. Especially if then you are telling anyone who will listen what a psycho your ex is - but not so pyscho that she can't be trusted with the kids?

I agree - they know people will think poorly of them and that the relationship with the children will change, but that’s obviously the price they’re willing to pay.

@MidnightMeltdown

I think the OP meant that he has (or had) a good relationship with his sons, not a good relationship with his wife.

It's not so much leaving his wife that the OP is disgusted by, it's the fact that he's planning to move so far away from his children.