To seriously judge this man?

[Canyoucreateoneplease]

A colleague of mine’s BIL has had an affair, got his affair partner pregnant, and is now moving to China to be with her. He’s divorcing his wife and leaving behind his three sons, who are 17, 11 and 5.

How can anyone do this? I know affairs happen and lots of people leave their partners, but how can he leave his kids? Colleague is backing him and following her DH’s line that he’s been unhappy for years and his wife is awful, which I completely believe, but leaving behind your kids? I can’t fathom how anyone could do it.

to the outside world my friend did this went to work in Saudi
the reality was his then partner was a complete narcissist
told him he’d have to fight her in court for access and she’d make sure it bankrupted him with court cost and he was regularly threatened by her family
no great back story she wanted the house ( they weren’t married and he had it before they met she’d contributed nothing) signing over to her and it all spiralled from there
pushed him to the verge of a breakdown but tells anyone who would listens including there daughter he’d abandoned them

Never surprised by people leaving their children for an affair partner. I even know a women who left her 3 kids, one was less than a year old to go off with the man she was having another child with. She never saw two of the 3 children again. Claimed husband was violent and abusive but left her baby there anyway.

What will never fail to confuse me is why people in such unhappy relationships have multiple children together when it was never a happy relationship.

He is moving to mainland China? Some of my relatives in HK and friends really don’t like living under Chinese rule. Does he know much about Asian culture because he is in for a massive and I mean a huge shock.

thanks for that, adds a lot to the discussion.

True though. How to discuss something no one knows the facts about?

That sounds a bit suspect. Some women intentionally get pregnant to try to keep a man. That sort deserve to be cheated on. Never the fault of the children of course.

How is it a good relationship? You said that you’re not sure that he ever loved her. Would you want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship with someone you don’t love? I certainly wouldn’t.

So he should have stayed and fought. You can self rep in family court and get the police involved if he's being threatened. Deciding it's too hard and leaving his kids with someone who is so unstable and dangerous HE ran away from her is not covering himself in glory.

Should have stayed and fought despite the fact she told him she’d bankrupt him, her family threatened him and he almost had a breakdown? Nope, fuck that. There’s only so far you can push someone, everyone has a breaking point. You can’t blame the guy for walking away and deciding to make contact with the kids when they’re older and out of the control of this toxic woman.

Sorry I wanted to complete your user name and add the “bog down in the Valley O!

Maybe you haven’t a clue what I’m on about though. 😂😂

I knew a guy who left his wife while she was on maternity leave with a newborn (their second child) to move in with his girlfriend, a single parent with a young child, who he’d been cheating with for a few months and had got pregnant. A few weeks after his girlfriend gave birth he left her for another woman (not the wife). I mean that’s some Jeremy Kyle shit. My involvement - I was an acquaintance of the girlfriend. Did I judge? Yes, yes I did.

He’s a cunt - and why are you so quick to believe she is awful? Cheating men have form for slagging off their ex-wives to try to justify their behaviour. Even so, you don’t cheat on the mother of your children multiple times regardless of what she’s like. If she’s awful, then leave her. Disrespecting her like that is disrespecting the children too.

Then again, this arsehole clearly couldn’t care less about his children. He’s awful and I cannot think of any credible contact that would make this any better.

They could both be awful, who knows? Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Your colleague and her BIL are both trash.

I feel sorry for his children.

That absolutely true, but as far as we know she hasn’t chosen to cheat on him using his awfulness as an excuse.

It's actually awful that it's unsurprising, men tend to associate kids with the woman they are with, if that love dies then he's not arsed about the kids, I've seen it hundreds of times.

It’s amazing how often I have seen this. To the extent I have seen amazing step-fathers who are terrible and absent father to their biological kids.

As far as we know, she might have known he was playing away and turned a blind eye to all these affairs. Some people do. She might not have thought he’d actually fall for someone. Who knows…

He did abandon his daughter.

She might have but we don’t know. We don’t know anything about her. My point is that men who cheat always claim they weren’t happy and that their wife is awful, whether it’s true or not, so OP shouldn’t assume that it is true.

Holy internalised misogyny Batman.

How can a woman “intentionally get pregnant”? The man plays a part in conception and can avoid impregnating a woman if he really wants to.

An unplanned pregnancy can simply be an accident or carelessness.

Too long to list but threats ,car vandalised, false claims to SS , Parental alienation calls to work police useless

as for self rep in court when they go to court and the other person doesn’t follow the court orders then you go in a massive loop back to court it’s endless .

Of course you should judge him.
What I don't understand is why you would completely believe anything a proven liar says. They always say their wives are horrible and they were unhappy, but most of the time it is the cheater who is the horrible one.

Yes he should have.

Imagine trying to sound the victim when you abandoned your child without even trying to gain access.

His children likely will want nothing to do with him and they would be right not to.

My friend went through that with her husband. (He was the one making threats and false accusations to social services).

It never once occurred to her to just abandon her kids though.

How can you know about unfollowed
court orders when he did not even bother taking her to court?

Ah well, we can agree to disagree then.

Some women, unfortunately, do this. Expect a man to put up with endless misery and mistreatment and they cry victim when he eventually gives up.

But the children know what their mothers are doing, and grow up to hate them for it. So it’s a massive own goal in the end.