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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone else is facing retirement without friends

113 replies

TheSolivagant · 17/08/2025 09:29

I'm 62 and not quite sure how I ended up here.

I had a very long period of quite serious depression in my 40s and two very longstanding friends abandoned me.

I rebuilt my life and in my 50s made 4 very good friends but ...

One never re-emerged from lockdown.
One distanced herself from me and when I tried to find out why, became hostile.
Another has re-married and is very busy (I'm happy for her because I have a great marriage).
One never really wants to meet up anymore

I've got a job which I enjoy but is now 90% wfh and I miss my lovely colleagues.

Anyone else in a similar position? I'm aware that I'm the common denominator, so I'm probably the problem and that has knocked my confidence in trying to make new friends.

OP posts:
SpikeGilesSandwich · 17/08/2025 09:40

I wouldn’t worry too much, when you actually retire, you can take up some hobbies or volunteering and make new friends that way. You need different people for different stages in your life anyway.

Probme · 17/08/2025 09:40

I’m almost a decade younger than you but expect this to be me. I used to have friends but after moving to follow H’s job and my marriage collapsing after he became abusive, I find myself with no friends. I’ve tried for nearly a decade but only make ‘situational’ friends that never survive the situation changing. After so much thwarted hope and so much picking myself up and trying again, I don’t really have the resilience to keep trying. So I expect this will be me.

Honestly I’m stunned by it. I’ve always made at least some friends whenever I have moved in life, but have completely failed here. I think the people who know me would be really surprised to find I have no actual friends, but I don’t.

Cephalaria · 17/08/2025 09:40

Yes. It's difficult.
I think there are different kinds of friends. The idea of a best friend isn't something everyone can find. There are those who you are close enough to meet for coffee, those you know from an activity but wouldn't meet outside and others you've known for years but never really done anything other than pass the time of day. When you work you can get to know people really well but IME that seldom translates to friendship outside of work.

I have never had a huge circle of friends and the ones I've had tend to be what I call "people collectors". They are the sort who have so many friends and such a busy life that they struggle to fit you in. Sometimes you don't realise they are like this at first.
In my 60s now and I have one friend who lives 200 miles away and see once a year. Another who lives down the road and would do anything if asked but is always busy so I seldom see her for a proper meet up, most often it's just for something practical like watering for each other on holiday. The only people I regularly meet up with are my sister and another friend who is nice enough but we are not close.

I accept that it must be me, I struggled as a child. I try to make connections even if they are casual. I know a few people through pilates and craft groups but not that I would call close friends.

KateMiskin · 17/08/2025 09:40

I likely will be as many of my friends have drifted away or actually moved away.
I think this is common these days. Might not be you.

I am trying to make some through hobby groups but it takes time.

Sharptonguedwoman · 17/08/2025 09:48

I think it's worth having a long think about how you want to spend your time when retired or in the preceding years, whether that's singing in a choir or volunteering or whatever. All I can say is persist with whatever activity. It takes ages to make new friends, sometimes years. Good luck.

KateMiskin · 17/08/2025 09:50

Re post above, I both sing in a choir and volunteer. Enjoy it but have found it hard to go beyond pleasantries in group settings.

Original poster
TheSolivagant · 17/08/2025 13:10

Thank you for your lovely replies.

I'm quite a low maintenance friend, just want to meet up for a coffee or dog walk, occasional cinema trip. I like my own company but get fed up of doing stuff on my own.

OP posts:
Cephalaria · 17/08/2025 13:22

I'm quite a low maintenance friend, just want to meet up for a coffee or dog walk, occasional cinema trip. I like my own company but get fed up of doing stuff on my own.
Same! I'm not going to want frequent messages or phone calls, would never go on holiday with friends. Just a few different people that I could meet up with once a week. I have two people who I can do coffee with but they are only about once every size weeks. It's always, always me who does the running.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 17/08/2025 13:24

Well on the bright side, retirement is a prime life stage to make friends (for women anyway). It sounds like you’d like some now though, are there hobbies etc you’d like to take up?

MaturingCheeseball · 17/08/2025 13:40

I do agree with the “collecting friends” comment. I suppose it’s because these people are outgoing and us shyer types are thrilled someone has made the first move.

I’m just reminded of a terrible “new friend” moment. I met a woman on a course and we got on very well, such that she suggested we meet a few weeks later for a coffee. So we meet up, chat away for an hour, and then she leans forward and says, “MaturingCheeseball, I have lots of friends, and I’m afraid I don’t have any room for new ones at the moment, but if things change I’ll let you know.” I don’t think my mouth could form any words. I was so embarrassed and had to slink off with my tail between my legs.

KateMiskin · 17/08/2025 13:42

TheSolivagant · 17/08/2025 13:10

Thank you for your lovely replies.

I'm quite a low maintenance friend, just want to meet up for a coffee or dog walk, occasional cinema trip. I like my own company but get fed up of doing stuff on my own.

Yes, that's all I want too. I have maybe one or two friends that can do this. The rest are ' too busy' and I have to constantly chase. I have given up now. I can get being too busy if you have small kids or ailing parents, but none of them are in that situation. Some don't even work full time.

I think as Mel Robbins says, making friends requires over a 100 hours spent together. So if you are not doing that at uni or work or at the school gates, it becomes much harder.

KateMiskin · 17/08/2025 13:44

WTF @MaturingCheeseball what an awful woman to suggest meeting and then drop you!
BTW I am very outgoing and not shy at all. I just think some people don't want friends. A lot of women seem very co-dependent with their husbands or partners, I find.

MaturingCheeseball · 17/08/2025 13:54

Yes, it would be nice to have not a friend of the bosom, but just a dog-walking or quick coffee friend. I like dh well enough, but he’s not a woman…

B0D · 17/08/2025 13:55

I’m single and virtually friendless so I can see myself there in 10 years time

For me it’s not a case of having enough time for hobbies and making friends that way when retired as I just can’t really make and sustain relationships outside of work and close family

I expect to be alone and hope my family still want to see me

JHound · 17/08/2025 13:57

Not me, but mom is retired and has no friends. I am trying to get her to join more social groups.

KnutsfordCityLimits · 17/08/2025 14:00

I feel the best way to make friends is through being involved in a common activity so you’re seeing each other frequently without having to arrange each time, and also if it’s part of a wider thing there’s other people keep the relationships going so it’s not so intense. Tennis has been the thing for me that has done this, but obviously, there are many other activities you can do, especially when retired.

wominzy · 17/08/2025 14:03

Retired here, live alone too. I realised after working that colleagues are just that, and when you're gone you're gone! I prepared myself for that though.

Now I have a very small circle of three female "friends". However it is at most twice a year that we each meet up as none of them know the others IYSWIM. That, quite frankly suits me perfectly, but I suppose it depends on the type of person you are. They are all married with kids and grandkids, whereas I'm not.

I think now, looking back that as we get older we have to develop an independent resilience and rely on our own company more and more. I am happy to say that I can cope quite well without everyday friends and just go off and do my own thing. I do have a younger sister, who is busy with her kids and grandkids but we go on hols for a week together every year and meet up a few times but that's it.

Everyone is busy within their own bubble. That's the reality, but casual acquaintances are nice to have also. I just don't make the mistake that Pauline in the book club will ever be my best mate. No she won't.

ByLemonFish · 17/08/2025 14:04

I'm in the same position

Retired at the end of March. Old friends seem busy with grandchildren or have just moved on

At the moment I'm enjoying being at home with my little dog and I'm married so not alone

Thought about joining groups but haven't got the mental energy to try and make new friends at the moment

KateMiskin · 17/08/2025 14:06

I went to the seaside by myself on Friday. DH was working. I do quite a few solo holidays as DH is often working plus I often need time on my own.
I enjoy solo travel and pleasing myself. I think travelling with friends would cramp my style. But as I said, I would like to meet for a casual coffee every two weeks or so.

Sidebeforeself · 17/08/2025 14:22

Oh can I join the No Friends group?! Well, I do have friends but not ones I can see easily. Ive joined a local interest group but it’s so, so hard to keep plastering a smile on and hoping to “click” with someone. Ive told myself I have to give it a year at least.

All I want - as a PP said - is someone to go for a coffee with, walk/lunch etc. No big commitments. I have DH who I love very much but its not good to spend all our time together.

Cephalaria · 17/08/2025 15:25

. Ive joined a local interest group but it’s so, so hard to keep plastering a smile on and hoping to “click” with someone. Ive told myself I have to give it a year at least.

I've done Pilates at a village hall for ten years. It was probably 5 years before I got as far as exchanging a phone number in case of cancellation.
I've tried a few craft groups and instantly hated them, nothing in common with anyone there and very cliquey. I finally found one which I like but it's only been two years so no busom pals yet🤣

FigurativelyDying · 17/08/2025 15:39

Can I suggest you get an allotment? I can’t set foot on our site without people coming over to chat. I’ve taken to sneaking in in the hope that my very friendly fellow plot holders don’t spot me. (I’m not as antisocial as that would suggest, I promise)

user9064385631 · 17/08/2025 15:43

Same here - everyone just seemed to disappear into their family bubbles during Covid and I’ve not seen them since!
It’s so hard to make friends over 40.
I’ve got too old to do the one hobby/sport that I’m good at, competitively anyway, and if you’re not competing its a solitary hobby.
Given up drinking/pubs as perimenopause didn’t agree with the wine, and eating out has got very expensive and often disappointing.
DH’s health isnt great, so he’s not the life and soul of the party anymore which i think stopped the dinner party invites.
And I’m only 50 - thank god my teenagers are reasonable company most of the time!

RaininSummer · 17/08/2025 15:50

I will need to create a friendship group when I retire as I only have a few individual old friends I see once in a blue moon as all I have time for at present is a work, family and one regular activity a week. I plan to join lots of things.

DBD1975 · 17/08/2025 15:51

OP I would start putting in the leg work now for when you transition to retirement.
Volunteer for a cause you are passionate about
Do you have a dog of your own, if you do frequent the same places on a regular basis, you will get to see the same people and build up relationships
If you don't have your own dog volunteer as a Cinnamon Trust Dog walker
Join a walking group
Join a book club
Volunteer at a local hospice
Be a 'good' neighbour and check in on those around you
Take up amateur dramatics (backstage if you don't want to be front of house)
You just need to find your 'tribe' once you do the friendships will follow.
Good luck OP, I wish you well.