To ask if anyone else is facing retirement without friends

[TheSolivagant]

I'm 62 and not quite sure how I ended up here.

I had a very long period of quite serious depression in my 40s and two very longstanding friends abandoned me.

I rebuilt my life and in my 50s made 4 very good friends but ...

One never re-emerged from lockdown.
One distanced herself from me and when I tried to find out why, became hostile.
Another has re-married and is very busy (I'm happy for her because I have a great marriage).
One never really wants to meet up anymore

I've got a job which I enjoy but is now 90% wfh and I miss my lovely colleagues.

Anyone else in a similar position? I'm aware that I'm the common denominator, so I'm probably the problem and that has knocked my confidence in trying to make new friends.

I've noticed as I get older that I tend to see lots of people occasionally, rather than having close friends I see often. I have some friends I see once every 1-2 months. Another local friend I see once a month for dog walks. Same with an ex-school-gate friend. Some work colleagues I only see once a year when our paths converge at work but we get on very well and try to do some social things together. Old friends from school or uni decades ago, who i see once a year. And it suits me so well.

Can you just spread the net very wide, so there is always someone to go to the cinema with or for a dog walk with but it's not necessarily the same person? So arrange to see ex-colleagues or the friends who have gone quiet since lockdown, even if it's only once a year. Make new friends through the usual channels - exercise classes and hobby groups, volunteering for charities, community events, local church or political parties or campaign groups. IME, making friends through activities tends to take about two years before it segues from just hi-and-bye at yoga to 'let's go for a coffee after class', so it has to be activities you genuinely enjoy, that get you out of the house and interacting with others, even if they are not (yet) your friends.

Today I was involved in a significant incident that left me feeling very vulnerable. I dealt with the situation well, and feel really proud just how far I have developed a resilience and resourcefulness. On the challenging side, there wasn’t anyone I could call for a ‘I’ve got your back’, drop everything to meet for a consolation coffee. This is the kind of friendship I miss. I have no problem doing things independently. Even I have my limits.

Beautifully put. I was that "ride or die" friend and thought I had a handful of women I could count on. Turns out I didn't.

This Spring, DH had a difficult life event and it was really helpful for him to have a group of mates to go to the pub with and some of them helped him in practical ways too.

Hope you're OK @Manyearthcolour

I would suggest getting a friendly dog! You’ll see the same people who walk at the same time and make friends before long. I’ve never known so many people in the area.

Friendships are best when you see each other naturally and as part of something else. Whether that’s rambling or volunteering etc.

Someone else said they just want to see people once a week for a coffee but that is quite a lot!

Just because you are the common denominator does not mean you are the cause. As you've described it, there were multiple reasons friends drifted away. It happens to the best of of us, because not all friendships stand the test of time, just like not all marriages do. I'm the same age as you and am finding a lot of common ground with women my age because I live in an area where there are a lot of retired people. When I was younger it was actually more difficult to find people I had things in common with. What about your neighbours? Surely there are some women around your age in the area.

This is an excellent suggestion. I have met many nice people (and cute dogs) while I'm dog walking.

I work in a library - there’s a group of retired women who are friends who come in and do cafe after. There’s also a book club, gardening club and a craft club.
i go to our council gym - there’s a huge network of retired people there who exercise and socialise together
in my villiage- there’s a women’s group, a Tuesday group, a knit and knatter and a walkers group.
I imagine retirement to be very social

I think this is so common now, it's very hard to move beyond surface level friendships and so many people are complaining about feeling socially isolated/lonely, even though they have acquaintances. Joining a running club or a dog group seem to be the best ways to meet people who socialize more regularly.

That is awful. I presume you are eagerly awaiting her call to tell you she has a small gap in her diary😁

I volunteered in a library project one summer and to my horror the knit and natter group was so incredibly toxic with Queen bee types basically bullying everyone else and just slagging people off the whole session. It was a real eye opener to me, old ladies knitting together sounded so wholesome!

Oh no! Our ladies are honestly lovely.

This is very valid .
im my area someone without friends started a social over 60’s group because she felt isolated and it now has over 1000 members . There are events every night of the week now and a lot of people have met their friends and formed sub groups .
all from an open Facebook post on the local page .
there are zillions of people wanting to make connections and you just need one person to step outside the box and do something .

Retiring through ill health is painfully lonely, miserable, the longest days ever known, watching the clock tick by wishing the days away, dread hearing the door open and close when my husband leaves at the crack of dawn for work...at least another 12 hours with no human contact. I wouldn't wish it on anyone....dreading waking up and wading your way through yet another day simply existing with those closest to you not having the first idea of how you feel. 🙁. RETIREMENT WITH A DISABILITY IN A NITSHELL.

Yup, this will be me: no friends plus living in poverty eith no secure housing . I’m hoping I have an early death

🩷
I hear you. If you need a pen pal to help pass the time feel free to PM me.

😢

This sounds more like depression than disability .

Don't worry OP, both of my parents made a ton of new friends in retirement, volunteering at various things!

But thats not everybody’s experience. I am really trying to join groups etc. Yes people are friendly enough to say hello but it never seems to go beyond that. I haven’t found anyone yet who appears on my wavelength , same sense of humour etc which is how friendships form

Yes its hit and miss. I met a nice girl through our kids sport. We do odd coffee. She said same people dont commit now. Sometimes you have push yourself its not easy. My sister has loads friends but they all make effort to keep it going.

Yes, join the NWR or the WI. There is something similar where I live and I've clicked with a couple of women there and see them for coffee occasionally.

Perhaps you need to get out more to enable you to meet new friends. Is there a meet up group or a wi?

How horrible. She is probably a narcissist who enjoys the power of hurting people. Big hugs xx

Where I live, there is a Facebook group call 'place name' Ladies, I would say 80% of the members are retirees, it is open to any woman who want to join. They meet in cafes/pubs/meals out/ daytrips some of them have even been on holiday together. Have a look of Facebook and see if there is anything near you that is similar. Otherwise the Ramblers or University of the 3rd Age might be worth looking into. Don't feel bad about yourself, I think alot of people have periods in their lives where they realise they don't have many/any friends, sometimes you just grow apart from people and it's time to cast your net wider. Good luck there are plenty of people out there that want to meet a friend too 😊 Just give yourself a push!

I picked up a book in a second hand shop last week by Elizabeth Day - it's called 'Friendaholic' and it covers a lot of the issues being discussed on this thread. It's a fascinating read.

I live in a cul-de-sac where everyone is in and out of each others houses for a cuppa,helping in the gardens, chatting on driveways etc. Lots are retired... including me now.
Do you have an "open door policy"? We always have. A knock at our door will always be answered, you will always be invited in etc.
Do you have neighbours? We have a WhatsApp group "anyone want a cuppa and cake?", "we've excess rhubarb, plums, apples, etc, etc.. just pop round to number 4 "
Not entirely sure where neighbour/acquaintance/friend boundaries are, (is it just time?) but life is nicer with them in it. So would suggest looking close to home as well.