To ask if anyone else is facing retirement without friends

[TheSolivagant]

I'm 62 and not quite sure how I ended up here.

I had a very long period of quite serious depression in my 40s and two very longstanding friends abandoned me.

I rebuilt my life and in my 50s made 4 very good friends but ...

One never re-emerged from lockdown.
One distanced herself from me and when I tried to find out why, became hostile.
Another has re-married and is very busy (I'm happy for her because I have a great marriage).
One never really wants to meet up anymore

I've got a job which I enjoy but is now 90% wfh and I miss my lovely colleagues.

Anyone else in a similar position? I'm aware that I'm the common denominator, so I'm probably the problem and that has knocked my confidence in trying to make new friends.

You’ll start afresh in retirement with some new hobbies and activities. Eg volunteering, joining the Ramblers/ a ladies wild swimming club/ a beginners bridge class/ whatever. You’ll meet people there are have time to get to know people. You can develop friendships from those connections eg organise a Christmas lunch for everyone to get together in December. Eg hold a summer bbw and get everyone to bring a dish for the bridge group for the end of term. Eg talk about some film you want to see at the Ramblers walk and if someone bites suggest you get tickets.

You’re going to have to make an effort initially, so you may find yourself a bit busier than you want to be, but this time is an investment in your future friendships. You can dial things down a bit later if you need to.

So we meet up, chat away for an hour, and then she leans forward and says, “MaturingCheeseball, I have lots of friends, and I’m afraid I don’t have any room for new ones at the moment, but if things change I’ll let you know.”

😮

My DD23 would heartily disagree! She has lots of friends and is always collecting new ones in the belief that you can't have too many.

I'm low on friends, in my 60s, but I'm quite ok with that. I realised that my need for friendship is pretty functional - someone to visit Kew Gardens with, that sort of thing. I am unable to do the close emotional stuff that people with good friends do.

Instead I walk the dogs and go to classes at the gym, where I have that level of connection you get at work- good acquaintances. But I don't imagine any of them will turn into friends.

Thing is, research into contented retirement and longevity shows that social connections are essential.

So whilst I love walking the dog alone, a quick chat with a passing dog walker won't suffice. I enjoy taking my Kindle to a cafe and having a latte but I also need friends to do that with.

I need deeper (not too deep!) connections but feel I've been knocked back too many times. Sorry if that sounds self pitying - it's more like frustration .

I think that is genuinely one of the rudest comments I have heard. Clearly not bad language, racist, homophobic etc, but just good old-fashioned rude. Ignore.

Not really the point of the post but I'm sitting here with OH ( I have about two friends tbh) thinking If all the people with few friends made friends with each other then the problem would be solved.

That would be lovely! I often read posts by people on MN and think “they sound nice” but one would sound like a complete stalkery loon if one suggested progressing an online acquaintance.

I often yearn to live in a village, but know that it would be just my luck to land in the world’s most cliquey and unfriendly place!

I’m 62. Divorced 9 years. No close family.

I have actively tried to broaden my friendship group through work, volunteer work, hobbies.

My friendship has shrunk with people moving away, naturally dropping away, or withdrawing further into their own bubble.

I have intentionally embraced the reality of the situation. I am pragmatic about it. There’s nothing drastically wrong with me. It just is.

I also had a situation where over a coffee someone told me they didn’t have room in their life for more friends.

I am now looking to move, a fresh start somewhere fabulous. I have decided I can take advantage of the situation and go anywhere.

I also have learnt I’m probably in the situation because I have a low tolerance to chatting shit for hours. I embrace it! What can I say. 🌈

OP, I am in London, so have plenty of clubs. I have joined a movie club for company. They are not my friends exactly, but good acquaintances to see a movie with. Anything like this near you?

There are so many options out there for meeting people

Local churches (you don’t need to be religious)
Community centres
Library groups
Walking groups
Volunteering at charity shops, animal shelters etc.

Theres so much out there for you!

If you use the internet check out local facebook community pages and ask for advice on groups, contact your local council offices and they may have info too.

Have you thought about joining NWR?
I moved to a completely new county by myself when I retired and knew nobody ( moved for financial reasons. )
I joined the local NWR group and I was very nervous about meeting up.
Really glad I went- we go out for coffees and occasional lunches, go to the cinema, visit National Trust etc.
You can dip in and out of activities, it's entirely up to you.
Worth looking up!

@DaisyChain505 there are plenty of ways to meet people but as many have said on this thread it's very hard to extend that meeting to friendship, even very casual friendship.

That would be lovely! I often read posts by people on MN and think “they sound nice” but one would sound like a complete stalkery loon if one suggested progressing an online acquaintance.

I've actually done this with online friends who I have a very specific thing in common with. Years ago I met up with a MNer, DC were convinced I was meeting a mad axe murderer. It was fun but we live a long way away.
I also progressed some online friends from breast cancer groups.

Perhaps it’s worth clarifying what a close friend represents.

Today I was involved in a significant incident that left me feeling very vulnerable. I dealt with the situation well, and feel really proud just how far I have developed a resilience and resourcefulness.

On the challenging side, there wasn’t anyone I could call for a ‘I’ve got your back’, drop everything to meet for a consolation coffee.

This is the kind of friendship I miss.

I have no problem doing things independently. Even I have my limits.

I probably wouldn’t worry too much about I think most friendships are transitional (of course not all), meaning at different stages in your life you have different friends and those friendships fade out and the next transition brings new ones.

So school friends lose touch after adulthood starts, work friends largely come and go with different jobs, mum friends fade away as children grow, etc. I think retirement friendships will be the same. But they with retirement friends is that they’ll be activity or location based so there will be onus to get out and stay involved with life in social situations.

I’m saying this as a person who has let friendships slide as work and life commitments took over. Honestly I would have been a bad friend if I tried to keep them up.

I'd really recommend looking to see if there is a local u3a group when you retire - there are over 1000 in the country so there'll almost certainly be one close by. As they're all run independently by their members what groups they offer will vary but they'll almost certainly be some that interest you - ours includes several walking groups, including one with dogs, exercise and dance groups, music and singing, arts and crafts and one for general socialising where people go out together for meals or cinema trips.

We relocated to a completely new part of the country when we retired and left all our work friends and acquaintances behind, but joining the local u3a has really helped us build new friendships.
u3a - Find your local u3a

Hi, it's much much easier to make friends in your 60s. People our age are more open.
Just concentrate on joining groups, exercise groups, hobby groups, church or volunteering. You will make friends in no time. I can't wait to retire in 4 years and do a lot more than I do now.

Agree, on the whole. Finding your tribe can be tricky.

Look out for any church social groups, you don't need to go to the church. You could pop into a library and ask about any book groups. If you decide you would like to volunteer you will no doubt make some friends Join U3A they are bound to be running a group involving something you like. Find out if the Salvation army run a weekly lunch club. Hopefully by joining some groups you will get to meet people. Do you like the people you are working with.? As they retire you could all go for lunch together.

Ah I forgot to mention I used to be in Rock choir and it was a massive group and after a gig some used to meet up for drinks or a meal. They were friendly.

64 here. My very best friend died last year, my second best friend after 10 years a single mum has a new partner, another has moved 100 miles away - so am concentrating my efforts on increasing my circles of friends in anticipation of retirement.

I would say definitely get a hobby if you can. I struggled for ages to go to a in life person craft group as I had younger children but as soon as the youngest was in year 6, I was off. I also attended an online knitting group and we have regular in person meet ups too which is really lovely.

I have some close friends and acquaintances but I do really like my friends I met at my craft nights. It’s lovely not having to bore my family with things that others are happy to discuss. It’s great there’s a real mix of backgrounds and everyone is very welcoming and friendly.

When you are retired or semi retired have a look at the U3a organisation for groups nearby .

They offer lots of different activities, totally affordable as the joining fee is something like £15 annually.

I agree with PP, do look for a U3A. Lots of different interest groups to join, our does days out and holidays too.

Not easy. Im 50s find I have make big efforts and if they dont.. a hobby is good. It does knock your confidence though. My friend is lovely but the grandkids took over. Find she doesnt really go out now..

OP I was in your position too when I left work. My work colleagues were just that and we didn’t really have anything in common.

But….
I’ve joined the WI, a local craft group that meets fortnightly in the pub and a local weekly walking group. I also go to yoga class and often stay on for a coffee and a chat afterwards. I’ve also volunteered to help with reading at a local primary school from September.

i walk a lot locally and know lots of other regular walkers and neighbours to chat and pass the time of day with. I read a lot too and visit the library and attend lectures, quizzes and summer and Christmas meetings ups organised by the library. Add to this family and a few longstanding friends and I’m out and about every day. Good luck.