To ask if anyone else is facing retirement without friends

[TheSolivagant]

I'm 62 and not quite sure how I ended up here.

I had a very long period of quite serious depression in my 40s and two very longstanding friends abandoned me.

I rebuilt my life and in my 50s made 4 very good friends but ...

One never re-emerged from lockdown.
One distanced herself from me and when I tried to find out why, became hostile.
Another has re-married and is very busy (I'm happy for her because I have a great marriage).
One never really wants to meet up anymore

I've got a job which I enjoy but is now 90% wfh and I miss my lovely colleagues.

Anyone else in a similar position? I'm aware that I'm the common denominator, so I'm probably the problem and that has knocked my confidence in trying to make new friends.

Thanks for all your lovely replies.

What is the NWR?

NWR is the National Women's Register. I've been reading the thread as am in the same boat, having moved counties and countries several times, i have friends, but not in the same neighbourhood, to go for a coffee or the cinema with occasionally etc.

Lots of people suggesting it's a piece of cake to join lots of groups and make friends. Perhaps those posters are the sort who already have lots of friends because it comes easily to them?

It doesn't to me. I've joined lots of groups and some were AWFUL.

to my horror the knit and natter group was so incredibly toxic with Queen bee types basically bullying everyone else and just slagging people off the whole session

I found the same at a knit and natter. It took so much courage to turn up and join a table of about 10 women who already knew each other, only to be ignored for an hour.

U3A doesn't exist near me, it sounds like a great idea.
Location is a factor. I'm sure in cities there's plenty of choice but I live in a village in agricultural Lincolnshire.

I have had bad luck with groups; maybe it’s me! I tried the book group at the library. When I sat down, I was told crisply that it was Barbara’s seat, so I moved and then I was told (not asked) to move along as some women wanted to sit together. At the interval not one person spoke to me and when I went up for a coffee, humbly joining the back of the line, the dispenser snapped that it had run out. I know it was silly but I was starting to get tearful as people weren’t merely unfriendly, but a bit hostile as in what are you doing here?

A friend of dh’s joined a rock choir. He’s a man so you’d’ve thought a deep voice would have been welcome. He said he stood in three places and each time he was in Sue’s, Jane’s or Sally’s spot. He gave up and went home.

Horrible. I go to an aqua class at the gym. Lucky I'm not looking to make friends - I've been going 4 days a week for about 6 months and still the main clique don't even make eye contact. I am now on speaking terms with several other lone women but it's going to be a huge jump to being friends.

Wow. How unfriendly.
The groups I have joined in London have been friendly and welcoming. However they have all been close friends for ages, so it's hard being accepted in that circle immediately. Nevertheless I am ok to be on the edge of the circle, as long as people are polite, which they are.

I’ve never found it particularly easy to make friends and now find myself retired with pretty much none. I have a disabled adult daughter living with me which makes things even harder, I find it hard to commit to a regular hobby or whatever. I’m fairly ok on my own but deep down if I think about it I would like friends. It’s hard.

I've never found groups of women to be a warm, welcoming sisterhood. I always had one on one friends. So I guess I'll join groups to get some social interaction but I'm not looking to find my tribe.

My mum was 64 when she made lots of new friends at a local slimming club. She’s nearly 70
now and has a fabulous social life. She goes on holiday, theatre, days out etc .

I'm 50 and in a similar boat.

I'm friendly and people seem to like me. I know a lot of people but I don't have any actual friends.

I've had friends but have been unlucky and I'm now the age I am and veer from thinking that I need to try again and not really being in the frame of mind to deal with the rejection or the unreciprocated effort again.

My world feels very small at times.

If you like dogs I wonder recommended one.everyone chats and stops and a little group at the park are friendly.Any volunteering or perhaps church activities. I think when you retire though you wonder how you had time to go to work! You slow down and have different activities. I go for a coffee sometimes alone.felt brave but no one notices. Have friends and SIL as well .Good luck .also can u stay in touch with old workmates at all

No not easy. I met a few nice girls through our buses (school bus) and they good re coffees/meetups. My other friend blows hot and cold. Im 50s. Found group things clicky. Def hard. Could see why people dont have friends

I'm 70, working part-time but retiring at the end of next month. I'm dreading it.

I've outlived a lot of my friends, lost touch with a couple, my vile ex poisoned a few against me during our (very acrimonious) divorce, one has moved to France (and I hate travelling), two are busy caring for partners who are very unwell, and one has long spells of depression where she doesn't want to see anyone for months on end.

I'm not much of a joiner of things, and arthritis prevents me from dog walks and exercise classes. I'm not into crafts, or sport, and would love to be able to just sit in a pub or cafe for a couple of hours nattering. My only real interests are books and politics. I tried a book group, but it felt very cliquey and I gave it up after 2 sessions. I'm a member of a political party, but they all seem dreadfully earnest and dull, and mostly go straight home after meetings.

I seem to have lost the knack of socialising, plus I'm autistic, so can put people off unintentionally. I'm going to go to a bereavment group in October (partner died 5 years ago, and I'm still grieving), so maybe will meet some like-minded people there.

It's beyond grim.

I guess I'll join groups to get some social interaction but I'm not looking to find my tribe.

I don't even think I've got a tribe to find, @TheSolivagant ! 😁

@TheSolivagant
You say that since WFH you miss your ‘lovely colleagues’. Are you no longer in touch with them ? When I moved to WFH in 2020, my colleagues set up a WhatsApp group and we still chat a couple of times a week. Not best friends but meet up still every couple of months. I also meet up with colleagues from previous workplaces so find that including particular ex colleagues I also meet individually, I have something to look forward to every few weeks. I do still have a best friend, but in terms of getting out of the house and meeting people, I wouldn’t want to be without those less-close friends I met through work.

There are plenty of suggestions on here as to local groups to look for, but it’s worth actually looking at Facebook for sites specifically for meeting new friends.

What area do you live in?

I'm not your age but the in-laws have had similar. They are in their late 70's and more active than many 50 somethings I know for reference. They used to be part of a large circle of friends. Every other year they would organise a large get together somewhere around the country and had done so for decades. For the last ten years everyone has flaked out. The in laws have been happy to organise it somewhere local if they were struggling with driving or book somewhere pet friendly and so on. They basically bent over backwards to accommodate everyones interests, difficulties and insecurities if you like. Their friends have basically become emeshed with their partners, don't want to be away from home or away from their daily routine. It's quite sad actually to see how gutted they are that their friends of decades (talking 40/50 years) have become so old in their ways that they won't make an effort. Instead they've kind of had to step away and carry on with their interests of which they have plenty.

My parents retired and now have more friends than the whole of their adult life. They joined groups and met other retired people. They are 83 and 81 now and have more friends than DH and me.

Depending on your financial circs
During my mat leaves i found both the government " better gyms"(v affordable) and David lloyd clubs (quite fancy) had thriving retired ladies communities...lots of fitness and social events and seemed to be big groups... I'd just had a baby so was in a lot of the gentle yoga aqua aerobics type stuff

Loved this book!!!

@MaturingCheeseball I raise you one…
Met a new friend for coffee and she suddenly produces a range of eco water bottles etc.

Turns out my new buddy didn’t actually like me and just wanted to recruit me to whatever pyramid/SLS she was in to.

I’m in my 60s. https://www.meetup.com/. Meetup rejuvenated my social life when I retired. If there isn’t a group in your area that you like the look of, start a coffee and chat circle. People will always show up for a cafe break.
I’ve done lots of different things and met heaps of people - most remain acquaintances, some are good friends, some personalities clash. Being an open organisation means no obligation and no resentment if life gets in the way of attendance for a few weeks.

Look for your local U3A group, go along and join something that appeals to you. If you start now, by the time you retire you may have met several new friends.

I honestly think it’s an age thing too. It does become increasingly difficult as you get older to make new friends. A lot of people have accumulated as many friends as the can accommodate by the time they’re 40+, so aren’t really interested in making new friends. I have four close friends, but they’re ones I made years ago. But when you’re married and have grandchildren, I guess you’re already stretched with time.

I was going to mention the dog thing. I work, but take my dog out before work (WFH), and honestly, I struggle to get round the park without bumping into other dog workers. Some of them I class as friends as we have long fun chats, but I don’t always know their names! I feel if I didn’t work, the friendships would probably develop into deeper friendship connections.

OP, you sound so normal.

There was an article in the Times today about the collapse of social connections and friendship.

Basically, since Covid we have all got fewer friends.

I am a terrible friend so I deserve my loneliness but you sound great. Coffees and walks and low-key stuff. That all sounds good.