To ask if anyone else is facing retirement without friends

[TheSolivagant]

I'm 62 and not quite sure how I ended up here.

I had a very long period of quite serious depression in my 40s and two very longstanding friends abandoned me.

I rebuilt my life and in my 50s made 4 very good friends but ...

One never re-emerged from lockdown.
One distanced herself from me and when I tried to find out why, became hostile.
Another has re-married and is very busy (I'm happy for her because I have a great marriage).
One never really wants to meet up anymore

I've got a job which I enjoy but is now 90% wfh and I miss my lovely colleagues.

Anyone else in a similar position? I'm aware that I'm the common denominator, so I'm probably the problem and that has knocked my confidence in trying to make new friends.

12 years ago I thought I had friends for life, but with my separation & divorce I guess it was easier for them to be around my cheating ex and his girlfriend in their happy new relationship than around me, sad, blindsided, humiliated ...

I joined a terrific Meetup group in London - we went places, did stuff, had a lot of fun - but the organiser had set up the group to meet men and got horribly upset when the occasional man joined and dated other women in the group, and it folded. Still got some good friends from that time although we are now scattered around the UK.

I've moved out of London now, to South Lincolnshire, knowing no-one here. First 2 years I was still working full time so that kept me busy and had lots of contact with colleagues, although weekends I'd rarely speak to another person. Last Summer I joined the local Womens Institute which has changed my life dramatically. It's marvelous. It's - from what I've been told - not like the standard WI; there's a book group + craft group + supper club + brunch club + quiz group + afternoon tea group + cinema group and more. Some day events, some evening events. We have different speakers every month. There's a couple of women in their 40's, a few in their 50's, mostly in 60's and 70's, some in their 80's. They carry a range of life experiences - nursing, teaching, catering, running business or running families. Walking in that first night was daunting but they have someone "on" each meeting to look after new prospective members. It's not for everyone but I'm loving it. The U3a is good too, apparently, but I'm getting what I need from the WI for now.

I've started volunteering locally too (Arts Centre) but (3 sessions in) finding the other volunteers bitching about each other depressing. I'm rising above it but may knock it on the head and find something else. Can't be doing with that nonsense.

Oh gawd poor you! Worst cringe nightmare xxx

Not sure if you’ve heard of U3A, good way to join groups and make connections

I'm not into crafts, or sport, and would love to be able to just sit in a pub or cafe for a couple of hours nattering. My only real interests are books and politics

I also dont have hobbies just interests. So I'm not going to join stitch'n'bitch or craftycrafters or walking netball but I'd love to have people to chat to about stuff that interests me.

I remember you posting when your DP died @LakieLady and hope the bereavement group brings you comfort.

You say that since WFH you miss your ‘lovely colleagues’. Are you no longer in touch with them ?

I see some of them during our office day once a week. It's not the same as seeing them, say, three times a week. WFH has many benefits but can be isolating.

I’m in my 60s. Meetup rejuvenated my social life when I retired

I've just had a quick look and there's a coffee and cinema group in a nearby city that I like the look of - thanks @SoManyTshirts

Not suggesting anyone here doesn't but let friendships develop naturally and slowly. I was one of only two people who turned up for a usually busy club activity recently. The two of us had a coffee and chat after which is normal group 'procedure' but the other person then proceeded to multiple message me late that night, send those 'motivational spiritual' quotes, invite me to dinner. All that same day and it was the first time I'd met her. I get she was lonely but it was too much, too intense, too pressured and really off-putting. Who knows if a friendship would have developed without this intensity and pressure but it won't now.

Plenty of people must be in this boat, as it's common for people to relocate in retirement.

I anticipate not having many friends. I only have a couple now and I'm in my early 40s.

For one thing, I want to work 3 days a week for as long as I can, and by that point I hope to be doing that in my local community - I can do a minimum wage job once the mortgage is paid off (not commuting to a nearby city).

I'll occupy myself at the gym - I'm a member of a council-run leisure centre and there are retired people who do 3 classes back-to-back!

I'll join a walking group - the only thing that puts me off joining now is I'd be 2 decades too young, so by the time I'm retired, that will be perfect!

I'll wander into town for a coffee and a bit of people watching.

And I'll be able to get a new dog! Our lovely older girl is 11 and we can't go through the puppy stage again with the work that DH and I now do.

I try not to think of my lovely DH when I plan for the future, as I'd rather have a whole life for myself alone, and then if he's still with me that's a fantastic added bonus!

@SlimeSuspect - this happened to me too! A school mum invited me for coffee. I tripped along and found it was a flippin’ Pampered Chef thing. I did get a really good garlic press though

I went on a course 15 years ago and another woman and I hit it off in the most astonishing way - i have never experienced this before or since with another friend and now that I have had that experience (not sexual attraction at all btw), I can't help but look for it in new friendships and I just find a load of perfectly pleasant women (or not so pleasant) but no one i can imagine being "friends" with.

I do think that some people make friends more easily than others, or are prepared to hang out with people who they don't particularly get on with. I just don't do either.

I have a dog and like bumping into fellow dog walkers and passing the time of day but I have never found someone to be a friend through the dogs.

"Loneliness is a crowded room" as Bryan Ferry sings on " Dance Away" and that's my motto. I don't want to surround myself with people I don't feel a pull to. I have left two book clubs because I felt nothing.

I so echo your sentiments with drifting friends . I am retired now and had to care for my disabled husband for 10 years until 2019 so I joined a Meetup group . Initially I had to work hard at trying to fit in and it worked for a while . My husband died 6 years ago and a few people seemed to be supportive but it wore off quickly and during Covid, I started to see the not so nice side of so many of them & began to feel uncomfortable with some of the people there . I would prefer my own company that pander to some of these woman just to fit in after listening to them. I still get the announcements of when there are events but having tried a couple again, I feel quite unhappy when there now and rather sick at the thought of going to any more . Yet I would love to meet new people and make new friends with others but where to do this? I hope not every group of people is like this . I enjoy one to one conversations and having a good joke and a laugh so but I agree that as we get older , it seems harder to get people to go for a coffee if you do meet someone pleasant,.

I am a terrible friend so I deserve my loneliness but you sound great

No one deserves loneliness @DollytheShape - bet you're fab too!

Last Summer I joined the local Womens Institute which has changed my life dramatically. It's marvelous. It's - from what I've been told - not like the standard WI; there's a book group + craft group + supper club + brunch club + quiz group + afternoon tea group + cinema group and more

Now that's the kind of WI I could get into! @BippidyBoppety