Would you take your ex in, if the only other option was being homeless

[Donotpanicoknowpanic]

If you have an ex that left you but they then fell on hard times and literally the only option was to sleep at yours or they sleep in their car (realistically this would be reasonably long term)

Would you let them sleep at yours until they are back on their feet

(The council were contacted and no realistic opinions were provided)

The ex was really nasty during the divorce, saying lies all over social media, argued with all of your family and has also been quite nasty since the divorce

Though if nothing is expected of them (such as helping to tidy up), will be quite and enjoys spending time with the kids

No. Definitely not.

It’s very simple. Why would you invite a deadbeat ‘parent’ with form for being nasty into your children’s safe space?

Focus on your children, not her and not you saving her.

She is manipulating you.

Help by all means but make her live somewhere else. She sounds toxic and not someone you need in your home.

This 👆

If the council think she has somewhere to go, then they won't help her.

The kindest thing that you could do here is say NO. She has no incentive to sort herself out if she keeps being bailed out. Advise her and guide her if you must, but from a distance.

She's shown you who she really is with all the nastiness. Don't let her back in, you won't be able to get her out again.

Even more no now i know your ex is female.

Safety issues mean that councils ensure they offer homeless women accommodation.

You are not the only option and don't let her tell you that you are. It's interesting that she's come to you and not other friends/ family. Either she knows you are a soft touch or she's burned her bridges with everyone else.

HMOs offered by the council won't be the nicest places, but it's a roof over her head and perhaps she can start to rebuild her life.

You rescuing her isn't a solution. She moves in you will never get her out.

No. It will a way of continuing the abuse.

I would still like to know more about this conversation about the HMO.
Something smells off about this whole thing and I think you are being disingenuous.
Very rare for a mother to never have had had any custody of children (you said you have always had full custody)
She was offered accommodation but by your own (admittedly limited) explanation you deemed it not safe but had no alternative to advise?
I’m not buying this narrative you are pedalling.
I think something is off. Very off.

Now l know your ex is a woman , the answer is still No.

But it doesn’t need to be you, she’s a grown woman who can fill her own forms out. I’m sorry but she’s made her life

she’s walked away from you and her children, ok she’s made bad decisions but she made them as an adult. We’ve all made mistakes but she walked away, and she doesn’t want you or her children back she wants you to sort things out for her so she can carry on as before.

dont let her use you like this, have a little respect in yourself and your children. If you must speak to her about it, point her in the direction of the people who can help and shut the door. Tbh that’s more than I would do.

i can just see a few months from now, she’s living in your home, disrespecting and disrupting your life upsetting you and the children, eating your food, running up your bills, expecting to be able to treat the place as her home how would you feel if she bought a friend home for the night ? All her attempts to get somewhere else will fall apart - she will tell you it’s your fault if you filled the forms out, she will say you owe her, she will try harder, she will miss the children. She will have her feet under your table and see no reason to leave, it will be winter and as far as anyone is concerned she has a roof over her head and someone to support her.

I could go on and on

but never ever will you convince me that helping her is a good idea. Tell her your sorry she’s hit hard times , advice her to seek help if she needs it, then firmly close the door, don’t even ask her in for a cup of tea

The ex was offered accommodation - HMO but the OP says he didn’t feel it was safe. He hasn’t elaborated further than that.
I think he wants her to be literally homeless 🤷🏽‍♀️

Nopey no nope.

Not in your circumstances no

If it was an ex I still had an amicable relationship with then yes I would short term but anyone who had treated me badly previously - no way.

I actually do have my ex sleeping in my kids play room.
He was a massive dick to me, but has been full of remorse and I think maybe the difference between your ex and mine is I realise that something isn't wired correctly with him. He seems to lack the ability to survive.
He's stopped here for short periods on and off but it's clear that his options become sleeping at work (building sites) or he sleeps in his car in laybys, or has the odd night in a hotel.
The council won't help him, he can't get a privately rented place, and hasn't had much luck renting rooms in HMOs- as he keeps losing his jobs and never has a financial buffer so he has to leave.

I'm just about to upgrade the sofa bed to something more comfortable, so he can be here comfortably but he HAS to work on improving his options, and he has to explore what the fuck is wrong with him and get help. He can use it as a stepping stone into proper adulthood, and he can give me a hand with the kids when he's here.

But he generally has no attitude. He's at the point where he recognises that he needs help, and that most of why he can't figure out much in the way of longer term accommodation is his own doing.

But your ex sounds like he wasn't a very nice person. I wouldn't want disharmony in my house.

How old are your kids?

This is a bad idea, but context matters.

Why did you get divorced?
Why do you have full custody?
How old are the children?
Why did she fall on hard times?

Primary concern all round should be what is best for the kids.
I have a suspicion, depending on some of the context, that it might not be in her interests either to move in with you.

Nope, she can sleep on a park bench.

He's the father of her Children which is a huge factor. If the alternative is having them see their father sleeping rough, it's not straightforward.

Set some VERY clear ground rules, OP e.g he must do all housework/childcare and visibly work on his situation.

Man comes onto notoriously feminist website to slate ex and state ex was offered accommodation in a HMO but he deemed it unsafe for her, doesn’t want her staying with him (understandable) but has (not here at least) suggested any alternative and is also stating the council application is down to him to sort for her. In this scenario there are charities/council/gp etc who could help her with any application (how was the HMO offered to her? Was it private or via council?) and would be better than the ex doing it. Hmm.

Absolutely not

are you under pressure to take him in?

Stop filling in forms etc “for her”.

let her sort it herself.

it’s not for you to decide that an hmo is unsafe for her. That’s not your decision to make.

Definitely not!

Don’t get involved. You shouldn’t have said anything about the HMO, I hope she has the opportunity to accept it now she turned it down on your advice (not sure how these things work).

No it would ruin mine and my children’s lives.
My ex always says that he’ll have to give up his house one day as he can’t afford the rent and he doesn’t want to move in with his parents. He’s hinting at me to say come and live with us.

Do you have kids?

No. He asked, I said no

Nope. You will not be able to get rid of him. It wilL be confusing for the children. You’ll end up paying for him to live and eat. You’ll be washing his pants and picking up his socks. Why doesn’t he move in with a sibling or parent?

Nope.