Was my DH being mean to DS or am I soft?

[PinkBird89]

DS struggles with his emotions. He was diagnosed with autism a couple of years back. He is 5.

Today we all went to the park and DS was saying "I can do the monkey bars all the way" but when we got there he was sweaty and covered in sun cream and he kept slipping. He can usually do them easily. For some reason Dh said "ive got a fiver in my pocket and ill give it to you if you get all the way across"

We were there for 45 mins. DS wiping his hands on rocks, leaves, jeans. At one point he took his socks off and put them over his hands

He never did it. He cried. He shouted. Of course DH stood his ground. You vsnt do it you dont get the fiver. I had to take DS off by himself to calm down. He went up my top and was there for ages. DH saying to me "hes got to learn to handle disappointment. He didn't do it today. He'll do it another day"

I just feel like a nice afternoon was ruined. DS pulled it together in the end and they hugged and now everyone is all happy again

I do have sympathy with DH view that young ppl sometimes dont have much resilience. I have 20 year old in my office who cry if anyone dares to be critical
DH is trying to be good dad and teach son how to handle disappointment snd try again another time. But I felt so bad for DS unable to do something and he was so upset and it all felt unnecessary

What do people think?

He's 5! Poor boy. :-(

Your DH is such a dick. Holy shit, what a terrible thing to do to a child, and to watch him try so hard. Absolutely wicked.

I think your dh should have said “hey let’s take the £5 and go and get an ice cream” and chilled the fuck out.

A child with autism who is having a meltdown can’t be reasoned with. He was upset and needed comforting.

Dad's have to teach their sons the way of men. It's their job.

Now, you can bake your son cookies and tell him you're proud of him for trying so hard and you just know he'll succeed if he keeps trying.

Everyone on the same side, everyone with the same goal.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

What in the name have I just read?!?!?

wtf have I just read. “The way of men” 🙄🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

I think you both have a point. It was a crap thing for your dh to do, offering him £5 when he must have known he was sweaty etc. setting your ds up for disappointment like that is mean.
However I also agree it’s important to learn resilience - he can try again tomorrow. So although tour dh was an idiot to start with I’d encourage him to try again - basically I’m on the fence.

Genuinely wish I could un-read this. How awful that people treat their children this way. That poor little lad, it’s heartbreaking. My DH is more of the disciplinarian in our house, ‘tough love’ etc, but he’d find this dreadful. So needlessly cruel.

Hive mind over here!!!

Yeah, believe it or not, men have their ways and women have theirs. Crazy concept.

Also, this feels the perfect response!

This particular man’s way is being an absolute dick.

Not really. Even the OP admits that resilience is lacking in youth. Making things easy for kids doesn't do them favours. They grow up with false expectations of the world. The dad was 100% correct to not give in and give the kid something to work towards and feel proud for achieving in the future.

Hi JD.

How resilient do you want a five year old to be?

He tried for FORTY FIVE MINUTES. How long would you try monkey bars for, for a fiver?

I'd have told him "Well done for trying, the bars were slippery today, weren't they?" after a few goes and taken him off to get an ice cream. Like a normal person, not Competitive Dad from a Fast Show sketch.

Wtf 😂😂😂
'The way of men', as you call it, should have "don't be an absolute arsehole" as rule #1, as seems to be the case with this numpty of a father.
Poor kid! 🤯

@FluffyWabbit I think we’re taking greater issue with your misogyny, in fairness.

Children need resilience yes of course. But you can surely realise how blunt this approach was, and that there are far more emotionally intelligent ways of building resilience in children than goading them into a meltdown?! It’s basic understanding of how humans work!!

I also have to spell it out. Not all men are cruel (or at best, just bloody stupid) dickheads who use crude methods of parenting into order to attain their own ends and pre conceived notions of what they think their children should be like? And, bizarre I KNOW, not all woman bake cookies and are the picture perfect soft maternal types offering love and comfort after the big strong man has been in a delivered a life lesson. Please tell me you know that???

I personally never want to see, read or hear the word "resilience" again applied to children. It's such nasty bollocks, and often used as an excuse for a failing education system. An adult wouldn't persist with something they can't do for that long, never mind a five year old.

Why couldn’t he have just said “Well although you didn’t manage it today, you have made a really good effort so I’ll give you £2.50 and next time, when you’ll probably manage it, l will give you the £5.

Toxic masculinity.

I think what your husband did was horrific, and I thought that before I realised (skipped over it first time) that you son has autism.

Why would you deliberately wind a child up in that way? Cause an upset when there was absolutely no need for one?

I don’t think I’d be able to look at my DH in the same way after that.

So men are just supposed to watch people struggle and not help and then criticise their efforts without sympathy?

That's how you'd like your daughter to be treated by her boyfriend?

Yes, they do. But that's not "men be awful, and women make it all better".

Your poor little boy.

This reminds me of my dad. Telling me that if I didn't bite my nails between Christmas and my birthday in may I'd get some money.
The same thing between may and Christmas.
I never got any money.
When he died in my 41st year I stopped biting my nails.

Please stand up for your son.

Boyfriend and girlfriend isn't father and son. The relationship dynamic isn't comparable.