Was my DH being mean to DS or am I soft?

[PinkBird89]

DS struggles with his emotions. He was diagnosed with autism a couple of years back. He is 5.

Today we all went to the park and DS was saying "I can do the monkey bars all the way" but when we got there he was sweaty and covered in sun cream and he kept slipping. He can usually do them easily. For some reason Dh said "ive got a fiver in my pocket and ill give it to you if you get all the way across"

We were there for 45 mins. DS wiping his hands on rocks, leaves, jeans. At one point he took his socks off and put them over his hands

He never did it. He cried. He shouted. Of course DH stood his ground. You vsnt do it you dont get the fiver. I had to take DS off by himself to calm down. He went up my top and was there for ages. DH saying to me "hes got to learn to handle disappointment. He didn't do it today. He'll do it another day"

I just feel like a nice afternoon was ruined. DS pulled it together in the end and they hugged and now everyone is all happy again

I do have sympathy with DH view that young ppl sometimes dont have much resilience. I have 20 year old in my office who cry if anyone dares to be critical
DH is trying to be good dad and teach son how to handle disappointment snd try again another time. But I felt so bad for DS unable to do something and he was so upset and it all felt unnecessary

What do people think?

This 100% plus your ds is Autistic!
Both of you should be embarrassed, I can't believe your admitting to treating your ds like this.

5 is a perfectly reasonable age to learn in safe environment with his parents.

arguably it could’ve been ended sooner but if he was determined to keep going…

I think most children autistic or not would’ve had a meltdown if they failed. That’s ok and frankly the socks on his hands as problem solving is pretty smart!

That is awful. The thought of someone doing that to my ND nephew makes me want to cry.

My son is 5 with an ASD profile.
This is not cool for NT 5 YO never mind ASD. Shocking. Poor little one. Dick move husband.

This wasn't a lesson in resilience. This was a lesson in - you tried really, really hard but you still weren't good enough no matter how hard you tried. And that is a shitty, shitty lesson to teach a 5 year old autistic child.

There was no need for a £5 'prize' to be introduced on a nice day out at a park either. Another poor lesson - when you go to the park you're there to try to get money. Not there just for innocent childhood fun, nope, now it's about doing stuff good enough to get yourself money. His dad could have played a lovely game with him, had some fun, been silly. But no he had to teach him a lesson.

People seem to really not understand how resilience is learned. Resilience is learnt when you feel secure, when you feel secure you can go out and face challenges. When you feel secure you have the confidence to know it'll be ok if your challenges don't work out. If you want a child to be resilient then make them feel secure. Don't set up fake events that they fail at and that leave them miserable at 5 years old to 'teach them a lesson'. Remember also that resilience is partly genetic, some people will naturally be more or less resilient.

Your husband clearly knows fuck all about raising kids. Is he autistic too? Is that why he's so lacking in empathy and so keen to teach lessons? Because you're sons autism will have come from somewhere. It's not an excuse but at least it might be a reason.

Yes, there's "you'll get the prize when you do the thing".
But this wasn't it...
there's OP husband who is setting him up to fail (slippery hands etc)... 45 minutes if sheer frustration trying to do an impossible task.

The resilience lesson would have been just as effective had, once Dad realised the boy couldn't accomplish the tasks due to external factors, he should have called an end to it and said "ok buddy, I think the sunscreen is making it slippery... Let's try again tomorrow, see if we can't get the £5, we can think about what to do next time.".

That's a much better example and reached the same thing without a frustrated, exhausted and overwhelmed little boy.

He should have said “you didn’t do it, BUT you kept trying so you can have the money because not giving up is a just as important as succeeding”

DH is a bellend on this one.

The way of men is to try to bribe a 5 year old to do something he struggling with . To the point he got really upset ...yeah thats definitely how to teach children how to be resilient.
Its not just a grown man being a bit of a bully .
Dont get me started on why a 5 year old is already swayed so much by money.
Mine didnt have a clue about money or care at the age of 5 .
Sounds like a really fun day at the park .

A few comments here are pointing to a lack of resilience amongst the youth of today, with this showing up in workplace etc.

I guess this is hard to measure objectively, but it isn't my experience where I work or in life in general. We have people from university graduate age to near retirement and the resilience/lack of resilience variation amongst people seems to be the same across all ages.

There are plenty of older people who were raised the old fashioned way who I would consider as lacking resilience, putting more energy into moaning a lot about work stuff than finding a way to adapt to non-perfect realities, or not being to accept someone parking on a public road outside their house or shouting at doctors receptionists or shop staff etc.

Plenty of people I know were raised by harsh dads just ended having short tempers and inability to stay calm under stress rather than being resilient to anything life throws at them.

Jeez. He’s five. And he was evidently not going to do it with sticky sweaty hands. Your DH should have stopped it after a couple tries and said as suggested above ‘that’s ok mate let’s go spend it in ice cream for all three of us - I know you can do it next time’.

He’s 5 FFS 🙄

To everyone saying "DH should have said better luck next time lets go get ice cream" - he did say that. But with a dose of "no fiver this time" with a bit of a power trip. But my H wasnt making DS try for 45 mins. We tried to get him to stop and move on about 10/15 but he is determined and also ND so he becomes obsessed and difficult to move onto something new. And then DH got v annoyed when DS started crying. But to me it was obviously gonna end like that from the beginning but I can't get DH to listen

Ppl saying what 5 year old knows about money...I mean he knows money exists but he thinks of it as treasure. Kids get money in birthday cards, under pillows for teeth - i dont think its some sign of a messed up kid that he finds the concept of a fiver exciting

To everyone saying "DH should have said better luck next time lets go get ice cream" - he did say that. But with a dose of "no fiver this time" with a bit of a power trip. But my H wasnt making DS try for 45 mins. We tried to get him to stop and move on about 10/15 but he is determined and also ND so he becomes obsessed and difficult to move onto something new. And then DH got v annoyed when DS started crying. But to me it was obviously gonna end like that from the beginning but I can't get DH to listen

Ppl saying what 5 year old knows about money...I mean he knows money exists but he thinks of it as treasure. Kids get money in birthday cards, under pillows for teeth - i dont think its some sign of a messed up kid that he finds the concept of a fiver exciting

Very poor on your dh and glad you called him out. It's everything wrong with behaviourist approaches with children in a nutshell, incentives only help to encourage behaviour we can manage, when they're not reachable it causes distress, shame, withdrawal and giving up. The opposite of teaching resilience. Have him read some stuff on growth mindset and parenting as his current approach is crap.

Yes I think 45 minutes was too long before either of them intervened.

but DS figured out a solve for his slippery hands which was smart. And DH said he will try again tomorrow.

he still got ice cream and play time and by all account is and was fine.

someone should’ve steep in before he got to meltdown stage but offering an incentive to do something tricky is not mean or horrible to a child.

Nobody said it was mean...

But do we really think that the Dad would approach this in exactly the same way next time?

Yeah probably not the greatest move by your DH but what does ‘He went up my top and was there for ages’ mean?

Your dh is a dick. The child is 5 not 15 and kept going for all that time, he should be rewarded for that alone

@pilates when hes overwhelmed and upset he doesnt want to look at his dad or anyone really. And he puts his head up my tshirt and just kind of sits there. I stroke his back and he calms. He is trying to self regulate.

What are "the ways of men"??? To be controlling, abusive arseholes?

Whaaat did I just read???! Wtf are ”the ways of men”? How to be a bullying wanker? Thank God my dh never thought our ds needed to learn that!

There was a little railroad train with loads and loads of toys
All starting out to find a home with little girls and boys

And as that little railroad train began to chug along
The little engine up in front was heard to sing this song

Choo choo, choo choo, choo choo, choo choo, I feel so good today
Oh, clear the track, oh clickety clack, I'll go my merry way

The little train went roaring on, so fast, it seemed to fly
Until it reached a mountain rising almost to the sky

The little engine moaned and groaned and huffed and puffed away
But halfway to the top it just gave up and seemed to say

I can't go on, I can't go on, I'm weary as can be
I can't go on, I can't go on, this job is not for me

The toys got out to push but all in vain alas, alack
And then a great big engine came a whistling down the track

They asked if it would kindly pull them up the mountain side
But with a high and mighty sneer it scornfully replied

Don't bother me, don't bother me to pull the likes of you
Don't bother me, don't bother me, I've better things to do

The toys all started crying 'cause that engine was so mean
And then there came another one, the smallest ever seen

But though it seemed that she could hardly pull herself along
She hitched on to the train and as she pulled she sang this song

I think I can, I think I can, I think I have a plan
And I can do 'most anything if I only think I can

Then up that great big mountain with the cars all full of toys
And soon they reached the waiting arms of happy girls and boy

And though that ends the story it will do you lots of good
To take a lesson from the little engine that could

Just think you can, just think you can, just have that understood
And very soon you'll start to say, I always knew I could

I knew I could, I knew I could, I knew I could I knew I could, I knew I could, I knew I could, I knew I could

Fuck me it gets worse....poor kid is ND!

Same.

Obviously it was a silly thing to offer in the first place. But I actually agree with him that once the bet had been made then giving him the fiver for not doing it would be completely pointless.

Tbh letting him try to do it for 45 mins was completely ridiculous, no wonder he got worked up. I would have said after a few attempts- you're too sweaty today, we will come back and have another go when it's cooler. You could have met him halfway by saying "you had a really good go so lets get an icecream (or whatever) now and we will try again tomorrow." Or cheered him up by you and dh trying and failing to do them too. Or cheated by holding him up while he moves his arms. Or did another bet instead, something he could win.

i absolutely agree! What is he a drill sergeant ? That almost sounds like something out of Squid Games.

"hes got to learn to handle disappointment. He didn't do it today. He'll do it another day"

He's learnt that his Dad thinks its OK to set up an unachievable challenge and make him feel really bad about it.

The crap about he'll do it another day.. is that smug horrible man promising he's going to keep putting his poor boy through these pointless challenges.