Was my DH being mean to DS or am I soft?

[PinkBird89]

DS struggles with his emotions. He was diagnosed with autism a couple of years back. He is 5.

Today we all went to the park and DS was saying "I can do the monkey bars all the way" but when we got there he was sweaty and covered in sun cream and he kept slipping. He can usually do them easily. For some reason Dh said "ive got a fiver in my pocket and ill give it to you if you get all the way across"

We were there for 45 mins. DS wiping his hands on rocks, leaves, jeans. At one point he took his socks off and put them over his hands

He never did it. He cried. He shouted. Of course DH stood his ground. You vsnt do it you dont get the fiver. I had to take DS off by himself to calm down. He went up my top and was there for ages. DH saying to me "hes got to learn to handle disappointment. He didn't do it today. He'll do it another day"

I just feel like a nice afternoon was ruined. DS pulled it together in the end and they hugged and now everyone is all happy again

I do have sympathy with DH view that young ppl sometimes dont have much resilience. I have 20 year old in my office who cry if anyone dares to be critical
DH is trying to be good dad and teach son how to handle disappointment snd try again another time. But I felt so bad for DS unable to do something and he was so upset and it all felt unnecessary

What do people think?

He's 5 and ND.

Your husband is a bully.

Everyone on MN is always so sure in their parenting styles and choices. I know it felt bad in my gut today with the whole monkey bar fiasco but then H was so persuasive that im way too soft and im actually failing DS by always trying to avoid upsets. I was comforting him and H was shaking his head. Problem is I don't say exactly what I think I just take DS away but I've been told off a lot for undermining his parenting

And this is why your DS is probably much closer to you than his dad. You’re his safe place, and his dad makes him upset. I truly wonder why some men can’t protect their children like mums can.

Hes such a prat. He just came home from the gym. I tried to talk to him about it and he shut me down and then said "whatever. the kid has got mummy issues. He never acts like taht when you're not there." Grrrrrrrr

Did you miss the part where the ds can usually do the monkey bars no problem and literally told his dad that?

It wasn't an unachievable challenge at all and he almost definitely would be able to do them next time when he wasn't sweaty and covered in sun cream. It's not like the dad was challenging him to abseil down a cliff ffs.

Dad wasn't unreasonable to believe his dc could do something he a) told him he could and b) knows he has done multiple times before. Putting money on it was a bit silly but hardly terrible parenting.

He and OP were both at fault for letting it carry on for so ridiculously long rather than distracting him when he couldn't do them this time. There were lots of ways they could have compromised, easiest would have been "don't worry we will try the monkey bars again on the weekend when it's not as hot, but tell you what, double or nothing, if you can race me to the end of the field (or other achievable fun activity) I'll give you the fiver and we can have an icecream!"

He’s not got mummy issues, he’s 5. You however have a husband issue. I couldn’t be with someone like this and I say that as a parent to an autistic child.

What utter dimwitted sexist bullshit. What century are you living in?! Oh and it's dads. No apostrophe.

Has your 'd'h always been such a dick, OP?

He's a nasty bully.
That's what he is teaching your poor son.
Bullys his son, shuts you down.

He's a nasty piece of work.
Shit husband, shit father.
I suggest you think about the childhood you want for your son.
Life is hard enough for him.

While I agree that kids need to learn resilience - that's exactly what your son showed, by trying and trying for 45 minutes. I think that degree of effort should be rewarded - rather than him ultimately feeling he has failed. (From the sounds of it the task was pretty impossible, and he kish couldn't have done it however hard he had tried).

We want our kids to learn to work hard at things and not give up - that's exactly what the little boy did!

Personally I would have given him the £5 as a reward for his efforts. (If I had been daft enough to offer it in the first place). I would have explained it was a reward for trying hard and keeping going.

And in future, maybe suggest to your husband to only set challenges for your son that he CAN meet if he focuses and tries hard. (I accept he doesn't have a crystal ball, and maybe didn't realise how hard it would be).

For the love of God.

Same user referred to periods as 'ladies days' on an earlier thread.

Scary that they walk amongst us.

Also H is really different with younger DC. Praises a lot, acts all cutsey. Just pushes and pushes our eldest and has no patience. But then can be loving. But I see it. I see the eye rolls and the tone. I do think about leaving actually as I find him v dismissive of me and I havwnt fancied him for years but I can't because of oldest DS.

I agree with you OP. I do think teaching children to be resilient is important, but fgs it needs to be age appropriate. He's only 5!

And he showed incredible resilience in trying for so long. Point out to your DP that the resilience is in trying, not succeeding.

Your husband is a prick and so are you for standing by and letting this happen.

100% correct not to give the £5 but wrong to let it go on for 45 minutes

Ugh. What a dickhead.

I wondered if the DH is also autistic. He was very rigid about this and didn’t adapt his “challenge” based on what was actually happening and the DS’s efforts.

Male troll alert! 😦