Was my DH being mean to DS or am I soft?

[PinkBird89]

DS struggles with his emotions. He was diagnosed with autism a couple of years back. He is 5.

Today we all went to the park and DS was saying "I can do the monkey bars all the way" but when we got there he was sweaty and covered in sun cream and he kept slipping. He can usually do them easily. For some reason Dh said "ive got a fiver in my pocket and ill give it to you if you get all the way across"

We were there for 45 mins. DS wiping his hands on rocks, leaves, jeans. At one point he took his socks off and put them over his hands

He never did it. He cried. He shouted. Of course DH stood his ground. You vsnt do it you dont get the fiver. I had to take DS off by himself to calm down. He went up my top and was there for ages. DH saying to me "hes got to learn to handle disappointment. He didn't do it today. He'll do it another day"

I just feel like a nice afternoon was ruined. DS pulled it together in the end and they hugged and now everyone is all happy again

I do have sympathy with DH view that young ppl sometimes dont have much resilience. I have 20 year old in my office who cry if anyone dares to be critical
DH is trying to be good dad and teach son how to handle disappointment snd try again another time. But I felt so bad for DS unable to do something and he was so upset and it all felt unnecessary

What do people think?

I’d probably have given my child the fiver myself for trying so hard and taken the wind out of STBXH’s bullying sails.

I can’t abide a bully or displays of power.

Odd. At that age my DC didn't have the concept of what a fiver Was!

I'm very against babying children and believe they need to learn life lessons from a young age, but I am 100% against your DH on this. When he realised DS wasn't going to make it he should have said maybe today is too hot we'll try again another day and maybe given him 50p for trying or something. I agree he couldn't handover the fiver without undermining himself but to watch DS get increasingly frustrated was unfair and cruel. My SIL did something similar offering a treat with my DS at that age, same diagnosis. He didn't even try he just had a meltdown because he knew he couldn't do it. Dh felt bad so got him the same treat anyhow, which wasn't ideal, but she launched into a speech about learning about consequences and disappointment etc. That was over 10 years ago and it still annoys me to think of it.

I would've put him on my shoulders let him 'do' the monkey bars and given him the fiver

It's a hard one because what's it teaching him if he gives him a fiver even though he said it was only if he met the goal. He could have said £5 for effort after maybe. If he was visibly upset I wouldn't have had him do it so many times in the heat, sweat and circumstances and asked to try it on a better day.

your dh was being a dick to your son and he’s being a dick to you now too.

I find that when parents are cruel to their children it’s often because someone was cruel to them when they were young. It’s not an excuse, but talking about it might offer a way to help your husband figure out how to get a grip. The way he has doubled down on you suggests he’s got some deep thinking to do.

Wtaf?

My adult sons don’t know “the way of men” then because DH never, ever treated them like that. He wouldn’t have said he’d give them a fiver in the first place tbf, he’d have praised their effort and bought them an ice cream.

Poor little DGS (19mths) has no hope of learning “the way of men” either. He’s normally so placid and cheerful but he was upset the night before last because he was tired and hot. It made DH all weepy because he’s so soft.

Are you a housewife from the 1950s?

Ok, so? Your kids aren't OP kids and your DH isn't her DH and your situation isn't theirs, so how is this relevant?

The fact is, the deal was struck, it wasn't fulfilled so the DH has to stand by the offer and teach the kid about effort/reward. Simple.

The DH isn't a bad person for not giving the reward. Nothing wrong with encouraging the child to keep trying. Effort pays off. I mean, it's basic parenting.

At what age should resilience be taught?

At the moment those coming into the workplace have none of it and it's a pretty miserable existence working with them day in day out

This is very tiger mum style parenting. Some people get very successful kids out of it. I just couldn't though. I would have given half the money or given an ice cream for trying. Seeing my kid that upset I would have melted.

At the moment those coming into the workplace have none of it and it's a pretty miserable existence working with them day in day out

Ah, another sweeping statement about 'the young people of today'. Your experience is very different from mine. That's the thing about anecdotes - they're meaningless.

Effort pays off? Only it didn’t for the OP’s little boy did it? He tried and tried and tried but it was impossible so he got upset. His father shouldn’t have dangled the carrot in the first place but as he did he should have praised his effort and bought him an ice cream or something.

I honestly don’t know how people can defend such shitty parenting

Yeah, he was taught that you try and try, you fail, you try some more. You fail. You try again. You fail but, at some point, you'll succeed because you tried and failed.

Kids get upset when they don't have instant gratification. Parents then teach them self control, discipline and emotional regulation. That's our job.

We console them with the fact that failure isn't permanent and trying is not the actual reward but part of the process towards success.

Maybe some children and adults would benefit from reading the book, 'The Little Engine that Could'.

I'm team dad 100%

He is FIVE and tried for 45 mins. That’s adult level resilience.

It’s ok that he couldn’t do it today and that he was frustrated but your husband was a dick for this bit Of course DH stood his ground. You vsnt do it you dont get the fiver. That’s like goading and teasing him rather than a healthier “maybe next time” attitude which would have got his point across without escalating things.

I’ve not even mentioned the autism because five year olds find big emotions like frustration difficult to handle.

💯

that was a shitty thing to do to a 5 year old

Sorry OP but I think that's a bloody awful way to treat a 5 year old! He was obviously going to struggle on such a hot day with sweaty hands and suncream and your DH should have praised and rewarded his effort instead of making him feel like a failure. I would not have allowed this to happen and would probably have given him the fiver myself for trying so hard. Your DH has a lot to learn about parenting!

This reminded me of that child on the treadmill with the abusive Dad. I'd be very careful about this sort of domineering behaviour toward a very young child

Yep, as soon as I see a post about children being or not being resilient I ignore them as it shows they don’t know anything about child development.

So
Dad says I'll give you a fiver if you can do x.
Kid cannot do x despite trying. Gets upset and frustrated at not meeting the challenge.
According to many suggestions, dad then gives fiver to kid anyway.
And according to some, if he does not do this then he is abusive.
🤔

Wtf is wrong with people????

Not the point I know but the "covered in suncream" bit really got to me! I hate that feeling, for an Autistic child that could well have been very unpleasant.

I know he needs sun protection but no young child would enjoy being slathered to the point of it inhibiting what they do or making them hot and sweaty.

My preference now are the very light aerosol sprays, high factor, quick to apply and not at all heavy feeling or sticky. Just a thought.

Just to clarify that DS did get an ice cream and DH was never mad. DS chose to keep trying for that length of time.

Im not defending it just clarifying. I do not think the fiver should have been offered in 1st place and I could see a power hit and it was gross.

Change some of the wording in this and it does make sense.
As OP said resilience is important, it's good that DC was challenged. It's fair that he didn't get the reward when he didn't complete the challenge.
It went too far allowing him to try for 45 minutes, it would have been best if mum stepped in after 20 minutes and said this is really tough in this heat, let's go and get an ice cream and try again another day.
Position held on the reward, DC appropriately challenged, DC shown some compassion, encouragement and empathy and his parents have taken control before he reaches the point of meltdown and end the day out on a positive.

This.

it’s ok that you didn’t get it. But people parent and teach resilience differently.

when he accomplishes it and gets his £5 it will mean more rather than just giving to him because he was upset.

you don’t always win or win the first time. That’s ok.

it’s also ok for him to be upset and flustered. But next time he will be less upset. If he plays games with others at school he will be less upset if he loses because he lost and he was ok.

Poor kid tried so hard , id have given it him anyway for the effort. That's amazing for 5 years old. Your husbands a dick for ruining the day.